We are all where we're supposed to be. Learning what is needed. In however it's needed. No judgment. Just odd bits of sharing, support, perspective and challenges.
I've wondered what wisdom.. or what to share with the kids about what is the most important aspect of a marriage.. a long term relationship. Because after all, it's not the affair, etc., or the "I love you but am not in love with you" which ends a marriage.
It's the crap that was never dealt with. It starts when fear or anxiety kicks in, when it's easier cower in silence, lie by omission.. to stop trying. Not realizing how it creates its own Pandora's box.
When my spouse of 25 years dropped the bomb, I was floored. "I just can't live like this anymore." was his beginning. As he continued the cold mass over my heart feathered outward. When he was done, I knew and said that I wanted the family, the marriage, him. And...
And.. I thanked him for getting it out. That as bad as it seemed, now that 'it' was out on the table, it could be dealt with.
Ya see.. that's where I was wrong. Because by then he was done.
So.. for me it's being willing able to deal directly with things.. to pay attention to those red flags, to live a life of integrity, do my best.
Because I was married to a great guy. And I was pretty incredible too. But not being able deal with problems head on.. work things out together lead to a break that wouldn't be fixed. And no matter how much worse things could have gotten (why didn't I realize how disconnected 'we' were??), I never would have left the marriage. Never would have broken the family. In retrospect it was living life in a straitjacket.
My heart goes out to you for what you're dealing and struggling with. And it is heartbreaking, incomprehensible and just damn perplexing that someone you vowed to spend your days with unilaterally changes their mind and inexorably impacts you and those you love most.
To be honest.. I didn't really understand your post, but that doesn't matter. For me.. and only for me.. learning to speak from the core, from what I've learned, good, bad and/or in spite of my obstinacy is what works for me.
