Why was I controlling? Fear of screwing things up - fear of not doing the "right" things to have a "great" life. Fear that I would end up like my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility. Why the esteem issues - to be honest through IC I think that I have found that the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything. I know this is f'd up thinking but it's where the root of my problems are. From that point, I have worked my a$$ off trying to be "worthy" of love, affection, attention. Never wanted to be a burden. Just recently learning that this has manifested itself in controlling behavior. It was one of the issues I had been working through with MC. I thought that I had gotten better over the last couple of years - but that's me and my stuff - not him and his stuff.
I want to let it go and I want to be strong enough - or have enough courage to stand for my M. I want to improve many things about myself - take better care of myself, be more confident, be more faithful. It is who I want to be.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
