Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

Played a decent round of golf today, was just good to get out there to get my mind off of things for a change. Although about 45 minutes before my round ended W sent a picture msg of s4 at a petting zoo. Broke my heart that I couldn't be there with him as a family. I really hate that this is happening, I accept it, but I hate it with a burning passion.

Tomorrow I have to go to a family BBQ where no one knows what's going on with us. It will be awkward to act "family", but we've agreed not to tell anyone but our closest friends.

Monday we have an all day event planned with W, S4, and myself for a day trip to the aquarium, so that should be fun. I'm going to try and remain upbeat for the day tomorrow and Monday.

My W tonight told me that she doesn't know "which John" she's going to get any given day. That I'm unpredictable and that's scary. She said just pick one, loving John or cold John, but stop being on this rollercoaster. This is probably attributed to the mediation meeting we had last week where I was stone cold, asked no questions, and only asked "How much is this going to cost?".

I knew this was going to be tough staying detached and still remain loving John before Retrouvialle. Otherwise I'd just go completely dark on her and that would be much easier. I keep telling myself - just 7 more days. Just keep it together for 7 more days.