Is the man I used to know re-emerging?

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks to everyone for letting me vent here. I was in a bad place yesterday evening. ...........Got up this morning and took myself down to the corner patisserie to buy a nice big cappuccino and fresh-baked scone (don't normally do that, so it was a TREAT!), got my car washed (driving GF to theater tomorrow), bought my precious kitty some treats (she loves me no matter what), downloaded "Wicked" album on my iPod, and came here. Feeling human again, so thank you, thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart for being so kind and encouraging. ........Yesterday was cold and October-like (30 degree temp drop within a few days) with gray clouds that look like it could snow any minute. All day I was aware that I was moving into the 3rd fall/winter without H/XH. In these parts when the temps are very cold in winter, it takes a lot more effort to socialize. I miss hibernating with H......I guess the weather reminder combined with XH's email put me over the edge.

In the light of day I see that I am jumping to conclusions a bit re: what type of R XH and his BMF may be re-establishing. I will go dim and let XH reveal info about what is happening in his R with BMF. One little trick I've learned from Daniel Amen's CDs that seems to work with XH (because XH has problems with rigid/controlling thought patterns because of the chaos in his childhood) is to say something nice about BMF (e.g. "I would imagine that BMF would be happy to visit your mom when you go out of town on business" or "I'm sure BMF would list your mother's home for sale at a discounted commission because you've been friends for so long"). When I make generous comments about BMF to XH, XH tends to tell me what he really thinks. In the past I've thought that if the words come out HIS own mouth he is more likely to internalize their meaning.

it's not overreacting....but I think that you started to have expectations and as you know that's a big no no in MLC land. For whatever reason he is back in his cave....could be due to his reconnecting with his BMF or could be just part of MLC....

Mila, you are right. Thank you for this reminder. It is possible that XH may see BMF with new eyes after 3.5 months apart. Don't know. Time will tell. I wasn't fond of BMF before but BMF's X-GF has told me even more things about him that make me distrust him (e.g. in the past he has posted on websites looking for married women to have sex with, he likes to listen outside the bedroom door when his sons have $ex with their GFs). I realize there is bad blood between BMF and X-GF and she may be exaggerating.... .....however, at one point last year BMF viewed and saved an anonymous online profile I had in which I was looking for folks to bicycle with. I figured out it was him (photo) and googled the internet using his online name (he didn't know it was me). Up popped postings of his from at least 6 different websites, including one where he was advertising to get and give massages to total strangers. BLECHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

On the subject of your H's BMF....I don't see him as a 3rd party in the middle. He is just his friend, he may be a bad influence....but he still just a guy friend. The relationship with you is of a different nature, I don't think a guy friend could replace you.

I will think about ways in which I am different. This will be a good exercise not just for my R with XH, but to help me work through this issue before any future Rs. In the past I always thought it was a sign that a man was mentally healthy if he had male friends, but this experience has made me wary. I will take a much closer look next time. BMF has a lot of attributes that XH's alcoholic mother has/had. I am not a psychologist but I think that BMF is a proxy for XH's mother so that XH can continue trying to 'fix' a problem he was not able to 'fix' in childhood.

If your XH's BMF could truly influence the Rs your XH has with you or anyone else, would you really want him back right now? Your R would always be at risk with the BMF around..... It sounds like your XH needs to figure out what the BMF's motives are on his own.

Seeking, this is exactly what I have been thinking. You are so level-headed and wise, it helps me to know that I am reasonable in questioning these things.

If your XH ever makes another comment about an upside down pic that you took. tell him to turn his phone upside down and the pic will be right side up.

SA, I LIKE this!

How about this 180? Go visit your former MIL, take her pic for yourself and keep it. Don't even bother telling your XH you visited. Make him wonder and ask YOU about it.

This is what I used to do when I went dim after the D. I agree that it is time to do this again.....Thanks for the suggestion.

I know you don't like your xH's BMF but I know that if your xH feels that it bothers you that won't be good...just keep venting about it to us!

CW, my biggest frustration with this whole thing is that I had hoped XH was maturing and beginning to see BMF for who he is. .........but I will try not to rush to judgement on this.

Cas, I responded on your thread. Thanks for your encouragement!

.........and thanks again to everyone for letting me vent here.

GAG