Just observing the changes

[dolphin_05]

GAG, thanks. I did quite a bit of reading of Upside's thread. it reflects my fears exactly! I guess the big thing I learned is that supreme patience is required. H has been gone 3 years now. It's been a long, hard road but there is peace atm. In the coming months I have marked two events to use as a gauge...his birthday and Christmas. Last year I only sent him a text for his birthday and we had no contact for Christmas. Let's see what this year will bring...

Hi Punkin, thanks for stopping by. I need to pop by and read your update.

[goodattitudegirl]

Isn't being patient a B2tch? Especially if you are an action oriented, get-in-there and fix it kind of person?

Punkin, Amen sistuh!!!!!!!!!!! I imagine that you are VERY self-sufficient having kept the home fires burning all these years. I too am quite self-sufficient. I made the conscious decision in my 20s to be that way when I had to D my 1st H because he was physically violent to me (supported him through med school). Hence my M.O. to distance in Rs. Keeping in touch with XH and his family has been a big 180 for me for that reason, but I also think I need to set a boundary with him at this point since I have been putting the lion's share of the work on our current R.

but still, when I opened up my Email, I did it with one eye open.

That's how I watch horror movies!*%$ Emails from H/XH.....horror movies......they're kinda the same at times.

H has been gone 3 years now. It's been a long, hard road but there is peace atm.

Cas, sorry for highjacking above. Didn't realize you'd been at this for 3 years. You seem to have some peace at the moment. What's your secret?

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Isn't being patient a B2tch? Especially if you are an action oriented, get-in-there and fix it kind of person?

And that's exactly what I am punkin! "Here, give it to me. I'll fix it!"

Didn't realize you'd been at this for 3 years. You seem to have some peace at the moment. What's your secret?

GAG, although I have trouble with impatience I have detached quite a lot. There's peace between us now for the first time in three years. It shows H that it's not necessary for our R to be strained. We both recognise that we still enjoy each others company. That's a better place to be. However, every now and then my doubts start to resurface......

[dolphin_05]

A positive start to a new day....... Sept 2009 and Sept 2010-the changes.

-No invitation to H's houses (had 3) since he left-now have visited there, had dinner with D there twice
-Business emails very much to the point- now emails that start Hi Cas and finish thanks, H. Occasional humorous emails
-Texts only in response to mine and very brief- some text initiation and more detailed responses
-Not on each others skype- now have skype contact
-Temper tantrums, impatience -no tantrums, greater patience
-Blame, always my fault-trying to consider my side and to defuse before minor issues become arguments
- No contact except dinner for kid's birthdays-weekly dinner at my place
-Secrets about where he's going and with whom-greater transparency. If he can't do something he'll say why. Also more inclined to share info on job offers, family etc
-No conversation initiated and limited word responses-more detailed responses and some initiation of conversations
-No outward concern re my health issues-rang to check after my last consult, listened and offered opinion
-No commitment; I'll see what I'm doing, I'll try to-now more def yes or no and why
-No willingness to help-Greater willingness to help and some offers...taking me to the airport. Even ok taking my friend as well
-No physical contact-occasional hugs (both of us are unsure what to do when he leaves here after dinner...still very awkward)
-No phone calls-will call at times, even when text will suffice
-Now greater humour and texts/skypes can be general fun banter

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

My H had me served with D papers today at 2:30pm by a process server.

Guess he's serious this time.

Nothing left to say.....

Just need to tell you,



Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hey Sanderika,

Sorry to hear this news. (((((Sanderika)))))

The positive I can see is that this draws a line in the sand and from this point on you create your own new life for you and your son. (How's high school going?) You are tired after such a long, long struggle. It's time to clear your mind and give to you rather than H.

It's time for you to make some goals and plans. Post them here so we can help you!!

Sending you peace and future happiness. Stay in touch now.

Cas

[LanceSijan]

Cas good to see your list of the positives.

I just want to point out about "pot stirring."

This should really only be used when the Mlc'er is in the final; three stages of the crisis AND they are stuck within that stage.

The pot stirring by the LBS'er is an attempt to help to move them forward within the tunnel.

Pot stirring while they are still in replay is a very dangerous activity. Also if it is done when they are NOT stuck it may cause them to run backwards until they feel safe again.

Anyways just thought I would throw out that clarification to all that are reading along.

[dolphin_05]

So tonight I went out to dinner with H and D for Father's Day. D urged me to come with them. I said I didn't want to impose but H said it was fine with him if I joined them. Had an enjoyable night. H shared all about his weekend away.

Then D said some fairly insensitive things in a joking manner to H. It was a 'go' at ow and her children. Was a bit uncomfortable. H didn't say anything in response to D but he was quiet when we left.

Lance, not sure about 'pot stirring' but guess I have the general gist. Am I doing that or are you just concerned because I have expressed my impatience?

[LanceSijan]

.............yet I wonder if things will ever change if we don't "stir the pot" a bit (as Lance likes to refer to it)?

My post was in reference to this, no not directed at you, but just in general since it was on your thread.
So if it doesn't apply, thats OK. Just keep it in mind.

[goodattitudegirl]

Lance and Cas,

Thanks for your clarification. Even though I think my XH may be out of replay I'm not stirring the pot because I don't know enough about what is happening in his day-to-day life. I've been relying more on boundary-setting and going dim at times while always trying to be a 'safe place to land', although my patience is frazzled right now.

GAG