I get paid to be harsh at times. I work with a lot of characters and I like people in general. I never mean any harm.
none us mean any harm, normally
so you just got some feedback, how's your approach working?
you ever read Marshall Goldsmith? he asks hard questions too
what you want is results
I see why you like Marshall Goldsmith.
He is a controversial man.
I suppose you're applying his teachings here to make people understand what it takes to change your own behavior but how much harder it is to change the perception of it in other people's eyes.
I'm fine with the feedback. My approach is still working. A slight apology was needed to keep the dialogue going.
I didn't sleep well last night trying to figure out how best to communicate with my W w/o appearing to be pursuing/pushing her. She holds all of the cards at this moment and if we do not start communicating soon my fear is the inevitable D.
That is why I was considering LRT because it appeared to have some effect in the past, but maybe not, maybe just me forwarding her Dr's appointment thawed her out enough to say "Thank you, and please let her know of important mail and messages".
Since I have let her go I am really considering not acknowledging her b-day this coming week. Even a simple signed card rewards her bad behavior. But then again, I do not want her to think that I am angry with her supporting a negative feeling towards me...
I need to GAL for myself...I know that already. One of my goals is to have my W initiate communication with me. She did sort of that by requesting an action from me and I responded in kind (a 180 because by now the "old me" would have shown frustation and anger). So how do I assist this single thread of communication from her to flourish into true dialogue?
I have a little positive momentum going at this time or I have at least stalled the negative spiral. So my gut tells me to acknowledge her b-day with a simple card. It maybe rewarding negative behavior and be considered pursuing, but it will not reinforce her negative feelings towards me. Unless she sees it as weak from me. I need her to feel comfortable talking with me.
I know her, she is very sentimental. She had and probably still has all of the letters and cards and even rose petals from the first dozen roses that I sent her in her keepsake. I also know that she has all of the emails that I have sent her still on her work computer. So the card would probably mean something to her...still and reinforce positive feelings. I need all of the openings that I can get!
I say... if she is running away, let her celibrate her birthday without you intruding on it.
If she hasn't been calling, and you contact her on her birthday, there's a good chance she will see it as an intrusion.
Do you or do you not want to show her you can let go? Or will you make her fight you to let go right up until your final divorce hearing?
It's interesting how people are different this way. My W could care less about birthdays. If I had to do this, it would have no effect one way or another.
It's interesting how people are different this way.
Different in what way?
I see the same thing here day-in and day-out: LBSs trying to find any imaginable excuse to reach out and contact their WAS instead of giving their WAS the freedom they are fighting for.
Sometimes..., when you give them what they want, they become curious about YOU.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Believe me I hear what you are saying. But part of me says that I have at least stopped/stalled the spiral downward and that I should not overlook an opening to reinforce positive thoughts. I do not have kids with her, don't know her new collegues at work, she moved to a different town and her close friend lives 120 miles away and I am sure she is reinforcing my W's WAW mentality. I would not call my W (I don't know her phone number or address) so it would be a plain card with only my signature sent to her work address.
I know in my professional life I have a lot more complex issues to deal with that I have no problem addressing and deciding on what to do. Here I am now worried about whether or not I should send a $2.00 b-day card to my W and what impact if any that would make.
I know that if I fully drop the rope then I am technically giving into my W's wishes of 100% NC and making it easier for her to D.
I am reading Coach's and Greek's reponses last night to a new poster and advising him not to move out of the bedroom because it only reinforces what the W wants. I am using that analogy here with whether or not I keep the line of communication open.
