Newer Game- Moving Forward

[PEI]

Hey Bear ...

I don't have time for that and don't want to wait until she decides what she wants to do. Her previous decisions put us here.

I make the decisions now for me.

I believe I am detached now more than ever. I am really unsure if I would want her back at this point. It would depend on the level of sincerity she brings to the table. And I'd still have to think about it.

But either way, her decision leads me to follow through. The analogy we used was to "walk her to the edge". I don't want to wait for another decision from her on when I can get my life going again.

I'm going to remind you of some wise words a friend of mine copied here to your thread :

How many are 'fear' you aren't done YOUR work yet?
How many are OLD feelings?
How many are impatience and frustration?
How many are based in anger/resentment?
How many are understanding where you are in this process?

And some more ....

Regarding you central theme of "when do I quit?"

What you need to ask yourself is what others continually ask of me:

What kind of man are you if you abandon all value in your vows to youself and your wife?

How different will you be if you cut and run because you are tired of "the battle"? Isn't that what she did?

Your questions about "when do I bail" are coming from frustration; anger; betrayal and impatience. Where is your love? Where is your empathy?

These are HARD questions. If you "quit" on your marriage and her, doesn't that confirm to her that you didn't love her and she DID make the right choice to leave?

And now it's starting to get REALLY good ...

You and I are both better than this.

We have to do what WE have to do for ourselves so that WE don't do the same things again in our next relationships. I am NOT going through this again, EVER. I need the skillsets and coping skills to prevent the deterioration of my next R. I need the self analysis and the boundaries to preserve MYSELF in the next R because "that guy" is important to ME and HER. THAT's who she fell in love with. And I need to CONTINUALLY be aware of my old patterns and NEVER let myself slide into dysfunction or taking her for granted.

The more I know about my values, needs, wants and capacities, the better I will be able to DECIDE who my next partner is.

And ALL of these discoveries and motivations are based in LOVE; not in spite of or in reaction to someone else.

I am learnig how to love properly. Loving myself and "the other". They are coming from a "kind" place. An understanding place. And I need to forgive myself to do that. Which requires that I forgive her and accept that she has made decisions I don't agree with. But she is free to make them.

Keep reading ....

And so are you. Her decisions weren't based in self-discovery or compassion or empathy or love. Don't follow her lead.

YOU LEAD!! Maybe she'll follow your example. Maybe not.

But you already see that there are opportunities for you as you learn more about you and rediscover the man she fell in love with. You got the opportunity (that she thrust upon you) to learn these things. Are you going to deny her the same opportunity?

Live your life. Do as you are doing. You are on the right path.
If she wants to follow, she will. If not, you will find someone to be with without having to abandon her first. The hurt feelings that you use to "eject her" will follow you.

And you don't need that baggage.

That's how I am beginning to see things.

We're getting there ...

I don't like what my W did either. I hurt from her betrayal, too. I still see glimmers of the girl I married. But I'm not going to abandon my personal values and commitments to make myself feel better by hooking up with someone else or abandoning her to her consequences. That would be vengeful. I'm not that person.

I am above that. I believe you are, too.

And the ringer ...

You'll know when you are 'done'. And you aren't there. IMO.

Hey hon ... from where I sit you are tired and hurt and still trying to control the sitch. The fixer/controller in you is screaming right now. Trust me. I GET IT. Boy do I ever. I had some ugly fights with that demon. UGLY. And by times I still have to draw my sword and plant my feet.

Do me a favor ... hell, do yourself a favor ... be STILL. Just stop. For a few hours, a few days ... whatever it takes. Read your own words. Not mine, not Wonka's, not Sunny's, not Puppy's (I'm gonna get detention for that one!) ... YOUR words.

When YOU are ready to make a decision on your next steps from that place of understanding and kindness, not hurt/impatience/anger, you will know it. And IMO you know you're not there, YET.

And I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Peace
PEI