My New LBS Reality

[dolphin_05]

Hi Irish,
My H has an OW but he appears to spend considerable time alone. It has appeared from Day 1 as if ow was more a friend with benefits than a life long partner. In later months her role appears to have diminished further. H appears to spend more and more time alone. It's as if they need this time to reflect and absorb their actions. H has become increasingly introverted and only recently is he making deeper connections with his family. It's as if this solitary time is part of the required 'therapy.'

[Truegritter]

Being alone is now preferable to being with me or is this also typical with MLC.

You have no idea what he is thinking and his value judgements so why do this Irish?

What if he has so much guilt that he is so weak he cannot have control over what he values and his weakness and that is why he stays away?

I don't know and neither do you. His choice has nothing to do with love for you or your worth or what your M is worth.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Gritt and Cas - sometimes you just need an outside perspective to keep you on the right path.

Gritt - when I saw the quote you added from my post I thought this is the downer side of me that I need to get rid of...I don't know why I always head to this point of no esteem when I think of my place or my value in this world or in H's life. I am always a giver of uplifting messages to others - but I bottom out on myself.

Note to self - stop doing this!!!

Thanks:)

[dl443322]

IB, first of all, you are still being way too hard on yourself. You are going to be sad for sometime. It's ok.

But, there are ways to conbat that a bit. One of them is for you to start really GAL. What are you doing just for you?What new things do you have planned to accomplish or try.

The other thing is, and I know this is a natural thing to do, I did it too, but you are still spending time trying to figure him out.

And you cant. Its impossible. So why do it? Who cares if he wants to be alone or not. Not you, because you are living your life, right?

Now its time to start putting some goals out.

Get to gettin', my friend.

And please gently let your children know that you dont really want the info about their father. It serves no purpose.

[irishblessings]

B - you are so right about these things. I am using this weekend to prep my new GALing and I am enjoying my down time and quiet home. Beautiful weather here and I am blessed.

[punkin]

IB,

As usual, you and I are on the same page. Just posted on my site and it says the same thing. Girl, get outside and DO. Clean up your yard, go for a walk, whatever, just get out and do it. And if you take that walk, reflect on your blessings, not your shortcomings. If you think of H at all, think of him as someone needing prayer.

Do it for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!

[irishblessings]

Spent the day alone - did 4 loads of laundry at a friend's house. My dryer died and I haven't had a chance to go shopping.

Read a lot of rejoice ministries materials today. I find it helpful - somewhat uplifting. Finding that I am better alone than I thought I would be. Tomorrow I am going to my office to get organized / going to church to get centered / then working in the yard to serve my family:) All my kids will be here tomorrow night and Monday. So happy.

[ericmsant2]

IB

I know how hard this is and I wanted to say that you are doing better than you think.

I noticed that your friends have voiced their opinions. Ignore them. Do what YOU think YOU need to do.

The fact that your H is alone IS not an indication of how he feels. Only he know what is going on in his head.

What I do know is this...continue to be a light. Continue to remain true to WHO YOU ARE.

Do not associate your worth, your value to what your H does or does not do. You are wonderful - just because you are you. That's it - no other reason except that you are YOU.

Now I can see it, others on these boards can see it....BUT really IB - YOU need to see it. YOU need to feel it.

Chin up girl and get back to work.

Why were you controlling?

Why the esteem issues?

Why IB?

Tell me why and don't give me some fluffy stuff...tell me why but more importantly...tell yourself why. Once you do....let it all go.

Have a good day a church tomorrow.

Oh...and thanks for the post on my thread.

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Thanks Eric - hope you had a great day!

Why was I controlling? Fear of screwing things up - fear of not doing the "right" things to have a "great" life. Fear that I would end up like my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility. Why the esteem issues - to be honest through IC I think that I have found that the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything. I know this is f'd up thinking but it's where the root of my problems are. From that point, I have worked my a$$ off trying to be "worthy" of love, affection, attention. Never wanted to be a burden. Just recently learning that this has manifested itself in controlling behavior. It was one of the issues I had been working through with MC. I thought that I had gotten better over the last couple of years - but that's me and my stuff - not him and his stuff.

I want to let it go and I want to be strong enough - or have enough courage to stand for my M. I want to improve many things about myself - take better care of myself, be more confident, be more faithful. It is who I want to be.

[irishblessings]

Sunday night - spent the day running S around, cutting the grass, cleaning the garage.

S and I went appliance shopping. Had a bit of a meltdown in Lowes. Overcome with sadness at doing these things without H. Another lost shared experience. H texted the kids today to see if they had plans tomorrow. He did this after I responded to an email on Friday that the kids all had different things going on this weekend and that I was going to try to cook out with them on Monday. Continues to be detached from all of us.

I have had a good weekend. Even with some tears. Tomorrow Ds and I are pooling it, mani/pedi/shopping/eating:) Good day!