Surviving the Big D STINKS!

[newmama]

Hi, Mrs. A! I am treading water with the beginning of the school year stuff so I am not on here as much right now.


I am trying to organize your goals from your posts so I cut and pasted a bit

1) Mr. A will give me some reassurance that his intentions are honorable, i.e., that he hopes we can reconnect and start a new relationship together, wherever it may lead.
Specific goals:

1a) Mr. A will tell me when he plans next to contact me, and then he will follow through. Both of those, every time.

I don't see how he plans to contact you is a sign that he hopes you will reconnect. Maybe your goal is to get Mr. A to want to set up plans to meet with you or see you? You can find fancier words than what I said, but please do not think that just telling someone you will call them , and then calling them, implies you want to reconnect and start a new relationship together. It does mean you want to see them. PERIOD. Another thought is that maybe he doesn't do this because he see that you will agree to see him no matter what. And that you will accept what he is doing currently.

1b) I will contact Mr. A when I feel like it. He will answer. I will not abuse the privilege of calling/texting him by doing it many times a day and expecting him to respond. That will be enough for both of us.

I don't see how 1b pertains to your goal of what you want Mr. A to do. It seems like you want Mr. A to pursue you, so why would you be letting yourself pursue him whenever you wanted? It muddies the waters....you would be able to monitor Mr. A's actions of pursuit a little better if you let him do 80% contacting or something like that. Just my opinion but I think I am making some sense here!

**Note: For the past couple of weeks, we've been meeting these specific goals sporadically. I would like to meet them consistently.

Reflect on possible reasons as to why you have made sporadic progress.


[quote]Vague Goal #2: Mr. A will put some work into winning me over.


2a) For every night I spend watching TV with Mr. A (an old habit) and then having (or not having) sex with him, we will spend one night actually doing an activity. Half of the activities can be totally at the house (like playing a board game or just talking), but I'd like to actually GO OUT a total of one in three times that we see each other. Of course, this is assuming that we'll see each other again. You never know.

Does he know that you want to do an activity together? If you are content watching TV and having sex, why would he be motivated to do something different? Just sayin'

2b)Mr. A will take at least a superficial interest in my life (even the parts that bug him or don't pertain to him) by doing such things as asking me about my day or remembering something that I told him about one of my coworkers.

Again, if he is able to hang out with you and have sex with you without needing to make the effort to remember details about your life, then why would he?
[quote]

I am not commenting on 3 and 4 because those seem like future goals (good ones) but do not pertain to the present sitch.


Our "progress" over the past month: Mr. A has been telling me quite a bit about his new job, so at least he's throwing me a bone about his day. Sometimes he's interested in my response or my contribution, but sometimes he just wants to talk without being interrupted. (In other words, I'm just a warm body with extra good listening skills. )

This isn't progress according the goals you set and the actions you want to see to indicate that the goals are being met...he isn't reassuring you that his intentions are honorable, he isn't doing an activity other than sex and TV, he isn't asking you about your day or remembering things you told him... HE is only thinking about himself right now. He might not be aware of it.

Further analysis (introspection): I shouldn't talk to Mr. A (or, for that matter, any other potential suitor or any other person PERIOD) with the idea that they are JUST WAITING TO STOP TALKING SO THAT I CAN GIVE MY BRILLIANT REPLY! Nobody does that. I should reply to people to engage with them, not to evoke a certain response. UGH! to my own neediness in that respect.

Good point...I have this bad habit too of sometimes simply retelling my day or thoughts without making it a dialogue. But sometimes it is talking just to be able to vent or to share news with someone. It is a good idea to build room for "talking points" or allow the other person to ask questions....maybe there is no room for asking a question because we cover it all. I read somewhere that for men, it is best to start talking with the END POINT and then pause to let it sink in. It also allows room for them to ask questions if we don't tell the WHOLE story from a to z!
EX:
"Had a crazy day at work because I had to move into a new classroom!"

(other: why did you have to move? How long did it take you? Did you get help? etc.)

But on the other hand, I think it's reasonable to expect even your casual dating partner to have a base-line of knowledge about your life, what you do, other important people, things that are taking your attention on a minute-by-minute basis, etc. Right?

Absolutely! If they don't know about your life or ask about it, then how is it a relationship of any type? It is just one sided.

Again, I think it is a good idea to build some intrigue, let him pursue you a bit! He is getting everything he wants without needing to work for it. What do we seem to appreciate more- earning a paycheck or just getting money deposited into our account each month? We would just take that money for granted and EXPECT it will arrive. When you work, you earned it and know it won't be there if you got fired.....