Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[john28]

My previous thread was over 90 pages so I thought I should start a new one. Previous thread is here: http://tinyurl.com/2fwhop7

Hello,
My name is John. I'm not detached from my wife. I have manipulation and control issues. I'm in probably one of the best sitch for a WAW, but unfortunately I'm one of the worst DB in history. Nice to meet you.

-John


Cliff notes of my sitch

Feb 2006 - Married.

Feb 2007 - Discovered online EA that W was having that had been going on for about 1 month with OM 800 miles away. Found evidence of ILY said to OM, bad pictures, phone calls. Fully blown EA exposed and she admitted guilt. Said she would stop. Found out 2 weeks later it was still on, she stopped. Agreed to transparency. Sent NC letter. She attributed to being 20 years old, 1000 miles away from any friends and family, alone, and depressed SAHM with 1 year old baby.

2007-2010 - Moved the family to another area closer to her family within a day's driving distance. Good M in general, blow ups every 6 months or so. She threatened D probably twice in this timeframe, but always said that she didn't mean it, was depressed, low self asteem, but she knew that D wasn't an option.

Feb-March 2010 - Best my M has ever been. Heard the words from W, "This is the best our M has ever been." Attributed to the fact she finally got out of the house and started going back to school after being a SAHM for 4 years. Our sx life exploded, everything was awesome.

5/21/10 - Discover EA that W is having with a college guy who is 21 years old. Going on for approximately 6 weeks at that time from my best guesses. Exposed EA and W said she would stop.

6/4/10 - Discovered EA still going on with OM and W. Confronted her again and she agreed to stop. W committed 100% to working on the M, showed great remorse.

6/20/10 - Father's Day, bomb day. W asked for a D. Said that she was tired of us and couldn't try anymore. She was done. She agreed to stay in our home and work on the M and go to MC at least until S4's birthday on 7/23/10

June-July 2010 - Found evidence of several other past online EA's that occurred in the May 2010 timeframe and confronted, she admitted guilt. Said they were all going on at the same time.

7/10/10 - Bad at DB. Lots of backslides. Discovered EA still going on with OM. W admitted to it and FINALLY stopped. Wrote NC letter, last date of any contact.

7/15/10 - I finally confront my issues with Adult ADD, having previously been on meds as a child until 15 years old. Was diagnosed as a child and find that it has wreaked havoc on my M. W does not understand the issue, but sees the symptoms of it and how it contributed to our M problems.

7/25/10 - Moveout day came and went, she didn't move. Continued with a few bad MC, then found a good one in early August. Went to 2 sessions in August

8/20/10 - W says she has made a decision and wants out of M. Does not want to try anymore at all, is completely done. She has been in the house for 2 months trying. W agrees to see MC before she moves out in 1 week.

8/21/10 - Come home with S4 from outing to find the car packed. Blindsided with move out, dramatic and catastrophic exit with W and S4.

8/22/10 - W asks to come home out of fear. I set boundary that she will not come back home unless she stops D talk and commits to working on M and go to MC. She says she can not do that because she doesn't trust I will change.

8/22 - 9/3 - Tons of backslides, asking W to come home, asking her to work on M, depression, anxiety, lots of stress between us. Then I start working on myself. Discover I'm manipulative and controlling. Introspective search. Go dark for 3 days, W goes crazy and doesn't want to lose a friend, I backslide again and come out of the dark.

9/2/10 - First consultative mediation appointment. Absolute disaster. I ask no questions during meeting. I ask only "How much is this going to cost" for all the paths we can take. We can not afford any of them and W knows it.

9/3/10 - W and I agree no R talk for 1 week until Retrouvialle which she agreed to go to learn how to "communicate better". Not necessarily to work on the M.

9/3/10 - Retrouvialle upcoming on 9/10. For the first time W says, "In a perfect world we would be together and happy." and "I have a small bit of hope." W says that she can not come home because she can not trust the changes that I will/have started. She does not see enough evidence to begin working on the M again, and is proceeding down the D route.

Staying gray until Retrouvialle.

[sandi2]

John, that was a good post that you wrote to Troy today.

[john28]

Thanks Sandi If only I could follow my own advice... I'd probably be in a much better sitch right now. But, I've got it better than most.

[john28]

Feeling a little emo tonight, my son told me at bedtime that he was really going to miss me tomorrow after I told him that I was taking him to "mom's house" (which is a 10x10 room at her aunts where 3 others live). The little guy started to cry and said "Daddy I'm going to miss you terribly"

kind of shook my heart to the core.

Wasn't the first time, won't be the last time.

I wonder if she knows what she's doing to our family? Does she even care?

[Coach]

The little guy started to cry and said "Daddy I'm going to miss you terribly"

I understand your pain. Use it to motivate you. This is what I mean when I say, "fight for your family." You need to be wise, strong, in control and loving all at the same time. This will test you and you might not be successful in saving your M. This is why it's so important to take care of yourself.

Strength and Honor

[Lotus]

Next time your son is with you, do something fun with him that you've never done before. Maybe sleep in a tent and have a campfire with s'mores. Just guy time together. Your wife will be jealous that she is left out. Why is she left out? Because she has chosen to be left out.

[Coach]

camping is a excellent idea, camp in the backyard. bonding experience.

[john28]

Next time your son is with you, do something fun with him that you've never done before. Maybe sleep in a tent and have a campfire with s'mores. Just guy time together. Your wife will be jealous that she is left out. Why is she left out? Because she has chosen to be left out.

Hah! Funny you mention that. Tonight I had the idea to do macaroni art with him. He wanted to make a macaroni picture of himself. We spent 30 minutes doing that while the brownies baked that we made together. Before now, I never would have done something like that with him - or even really thought of it. I was just going through the motions. He asked if he could take his picture and a brownie to mommy's house tomorrow.

Of course you can, Son.

[Lotus]

A long time ago I took a psychology class and the professor asked us to stand in a circle. Then he asked each of us, "If you want to get attention for yourself, would you step into the circle or out of the circle?" I said I would step into the circle, but a surprising number of students said they would step out of the circle. I think your wife would step out of the circle to get attention.

[pookie69]

A long time ago I took a psychology class and the professor asked us to stand in a circle. Then he asked each of us, "If you want to get attention for yourself, would you step into the circle or out of the circle?" I said I would step into the circle, but a surprising number of students said they would step out of the circle. I think your wife would step out of the circle to get attention.

I would have stepped out of the circle and started circling.