Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Thanks for posting SA, Wii, and TT. I appreciate your viewpoints on my sitch.

H was never the romantic type, but he tried on occasion. I'm not wanting romance all the time, but it would be nice to have closeness, intimacy without s*x necessarily. I don't believe a man cannot learn to be romantic, and I have never asked for much. Maybe that's the problem. I've always been accommodating to his needs, while he rarely is that way with me. For instance (and I may have already posted this, so, sorry for the repeat), he imagines that helping with the housework is every girls dream H, but no, I don't care whether he does or not (nice to have, but I can do without). My LL is quality time, being with each other and just talking, having his attention on me and no-one else. Selfish, I know, but that's what I like, and it was rarely granted. And, yes, I have told him this many, many times, in various ways, including with spoken words, email, over the phone, notes, etc.

The doctor has not checked his testosterone levels, that I know of. He may not be comfortable talking to me about it. I wonder if he will even ask for the tests from the doc .. I will ask. No harm in trying.

You know, Wii, it didn't occur to me that he might've been depressed before the EA. I was going through my own MLC, read change, rather than crisis. I had turned inwards, trying to see where I fit in the universe, with children growing older, some leaving, etc. He was quite young, and I never thought he would turn away .... he never said anything that I could hear. Suddenly, he was completely severed from me emotionally, and as I found out later (after much confusion, and lying) he was attached to OW. He did say that she made him feel good, even from a distance. It took about a year before he ended it himself, but here he is, still not the old H, and not one to which I wish to be married.

TT, you get the idea that I am still in love with my H. I don't feel in love. It's been a long journey, and a lot of pain, and I haven't wanted to admit to myself for the longest time, that I have no intimate feelings for him anymore. Could I fall back in love with him? Probably, but he would have to do some serious work. It's not just the EA that has been a problem in our M ... there have been other very hurtful issues, but I never gave up on him, until now. It's just too much, too long, and he hasn't tried (in my opinion) to win me back at all. He just assumes I will instantly forgive, and more importantly, forget and trust. He thinks that is part of being in love, but it's not. When you keep hurting your spouse over and over again, and you know that the things you do, if found out, will hurt her, and damage the trust and love she has, then I wonder if that spouse will ever change, ever really care to do any work. He was very quick to say, "yes, perhaps it's time to call it quits," when I sent him the email, so I think there is a level of relief for him ... 'cause he ain't into me one little bit, except as a friend, a listener of all his work troubles (because, of course, I am fascinated by the software development industry, and I sure don't mind at all when he yawns when I am explaining my interests ... oh well, some friend), and as a co-parent/grandparent.

'nuff said, for now. As you say, TT, I will make it either way.