I was on fire at work today - WOOT! Unfortunately, it was mostly because I was super pissy about Mr. A and trying to GAL by kicking butt at my job. But that's a lot better than being mad at Mr. A and doing a bad job at work!
Tonight is dedicated to facing and sorting through my feelings about Mr. A. I've been avoiding them for the past month. Now my expectations of Mr. A clearly are rising, so this game we're playing is getting uncomfortable and scary. This has got to stop!
Mr. A left the house before 6 a.m. yesterday morning to get to his new job on time. I haven't heard a word from him since. Our evening beforehand was unromantic in every way, even though he initiated it. So I'm having a pity party now!
Two months ago, I would have been ecstatic to have one mediocre evening with Mr. A. But guess what - he divorced me in the interim! So driving home this evening I was thinking I should just cut his ass off. We have so much water under the bridge. I'm triggered so easily by his action or lack thereof. I have no guarantees with him and I'm in turmoil over this whole thing.
But I really don't want to cut him off, and so I'm going back to my roots - back to DR. Now that Mr. A is opening up to me the tiniest bit, I have nothing to lose by trying to DB with him. So I'll go that route in earnest before I totally turn my back on him. As Newmama noted, I've never had the chance to do that before.
FYI, I am skipping Step 1 - Start With A Beginner's Mind. Been there, done that. I got a Beginner's Mind when Mr. A walked out on our life and I've had one ever since, like it or not! One can't help but have a Beginner's Mind when they're dealing with a WAS for 16 months.
Next post will be about Chapter 2.
Sincerely, Mrs. A
P.S. Fair warning - I'll probably add 3 pages to my own post tonight!
P.P.S. Can't help it - I still like the ideas in DR, even though my divorce was NOT busted!!!!!
