My H says the exact same thing...he will give me everything and he doesn't want a thing. He says over and over that I deserve better than him, that he will take care of me and make sure I don't want for anything because what he has done to me is horrible.
I know he has his cake and is eating too. I don't call or text unless it is financial/kids/house...but like Albuquerque, I don't have to because he texts me all the time. In fact, today is the first time he hasn't text me by now.
I feel pathetic though...when he sends me a text or calls I get excited - HE IS THINKING ABOUT ME. How sad is that? I am a strong, independent woman. I am financially stable on my own, I (used to be we) have a fun active social life...why do I let him control my emotions so completely?
Detachment, detachment, detachment - I know. I have work to do.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Your H sounds a lot like mine. My H is still fairly involved with D and continues to contact me a lot. When I first started on this forum, I tried to follow the "rules" and limit contact. But he continued to call me, text me, email me, IM me etc. And it wasn't necessarily important stuff, it was just stuff he found interesting and that he thought I might find interesting. He asks D and I out to eat often and often does those weird unexpected "nice" things that seem surreal. Yet, I can see him, in front of me, texting the OW. I know he's going to visit her (even though he hasn't admitted it and I haven't asked) and I see her posting all over his FB. Is H doing some cake eating? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Hell yeah. But it pisses me off in a detached sort of way. I'm mad not necessarily at him, but at the situation. I can see him texting OW (in what he thinks is a surruptitious way) and find it more sad for him than anything else. Because I can also see his confusion, depression and frustration with how his life has been the last 6 months.
I've debated whether I'm making the right approach with continuing constant contact and allowing the cake eating. The choice I made was for ME, not for him. I feel that I'm living up to my commitment for the M by being there for him when he feels he needs some human contact.
Wow. I'm sorry, I just totally disagree with that. If he were a drug addict, would you sit there quietly while he shot himself up with his drugs?
I get the whole "treat it as an addiction," whether it's MLC or infidelity, and I happen to AGREE with that approach. But it must be done with healthy BOUNDARIES, and I'm sorry, disrespecting you (and your kids) by texting OW right in front of your family is incredibly disrespectful. It's not healthy for YOU, and it's also not healthy for HIM to have no boundaries placed upon his behavior.
Puppy
Puppy,
I don't totally disagree with you. I've struggled with this myself. The problem (at least for me) is that I don't know FOR SURE that the OW is a reality. I'm pretty damn sure based on what I've seen, but he's never admitted it. On my own thread, I asked others whether I should fess up to H about being sure about OW. The general consensus was NO and the reasons were sound. The reasons changed my mind because I was leaning towards doing it. The reasons were that it would
1. Be a confrontation no matter whether I meant it like that or not 2. Cause him to likely lie about it and the last thing *I* need is to deal with more lies 3. Wouldn't change a damn thing about the R anyhow.
So basically, he doesn't know I realize who he's texting. I guess he thinks he's sly. If he were to finally fess up, then I probably WOULD set some boundaries in place, but that's not where I am right now. I don't mean this to sound defensive. Believe me, if someone has a better idea of how to handle this, BY ALL MEANS let me know your thoughts. At least as far as I'm concerned, I've manged to detach enough to where I can see it and yet continue on without letting it affect my mood. I get your point Puppy, believe me I do. I feel like a total doormat sometimes. But I'm not sure how to handle the situation at this moment, any other way. Forgive me for hijacking your thread TAMF, although, this probably helps you as well given the similarities in our situations.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
My mom said the same thing about me when I was in High School! She met my dad when they were 17 (whoops got prego with me)and got married before they graduated HS. Of course this was in 1972 - free love you know :)They are still together after 38 years.
Curious if your MLCers have given you the line, "I haven't ever been in control of my life, and now I am and I want to keep it that way." Such crap! Our finances are still together, I still pay all the bills, take care of the house and kids. What is he in control of? NO RESPONSIBLITIES? Can I be in control of that too?
Part of my Hs problem is that he went from his momma's breast to mine. Even in college (we went to different colleges, but were always together), I balanced his checkbook and kept him organized. I can't tell you how many times through the years when we fight about finances, I BEGGED him to take over the responsiblity. But he never wanted to.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Look at my signature. We were 14 & 16. June would have been our 14th ann. I'm not letting my girls get serious in H.S either. My 17 yr old sis has been with her BF for 18 mths. And I feel scared for her.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
So basically, he doesn't know I realize who he's texting. I guess he thinks he's sly. If he were to finally fess up, then I probably WOULD set some boundaries in place, but that's not where I am right now. I don't mean this to sound defensive. Believe me, if someone has a better idea of how to handle this, BY ALL MEANS let me know your thoughts.
Yes, I do. Here's my better idea:
Gather whatever intel you need to know for sure, and then lay out some healthy boundaries.
C'mon, YOU know what he's doing, and HE knows what he's doing. Just because HE doesn't KNOW that you know (and I actually contend that he DOES), doesn't somehow make it all okay.
I know you mean well but I totally disagree. "Gathering intel" is not what I should be doing for me. It won't help ME. It's not improving ME. It's snooping on him and I really have no interest in doing that and think that's not the step I need to be taking in trying to detach. It seems to be bothering you more than it bothers me.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
