Need some encouragement

[LanceSijan]

Cyrena

Great Post - Thanks for your insight.

[WCW]

Hi Kissak,

Sorry you're feeling so ... alone. That's what I hated about Piecing: sometimes things seemed to flow so much better between us, and then H would go into another period of navel-gazing and it would feel as though he'd gone back to his you-don't-matter Replay behaviour. Really, these were necessary periods, because during them he finally assessed his whole behaviour during the EA, figured out what a good relationship looked like, etc.

But for myself, I found the best way of handling them was to remind myself that I'd learned I could be fine on my own, so if he never became an equal partner again, I could leave the M feeling proud of how hard I'd tried to make it work, and proud of the dignity I'd shown and changes I'd made. Then, I devoted myself to whatever needed doing ... and he'd come looking for me when he was ready.

I don't know whether your H has reached the point where he truly is working on himself, but since he is going to a C, likely he is making progress. With luck, he'll reach a point where his internal growth can be manifested in his words and actions. It does take LONGER for the selfishness of the MLCer to wear off than you would ever believe possible, even after they do come back, so I hope he is still moving along in his healing.

Hugs for you, Kissak. I remember parts of Piecing as being so hard that I wondered whether I was going to sink into my own depression. You've discovered your own strength in this whole process, however, so I know you're going to be fine.

WOWZER! that's good stuff and needs repeating!

[kissak]

Yes, thank you Cyrena....very encouraging post from you. Thank you I really needed to read that this morning.


I do have a question though.....Since when did asking my H to come and sit on the couch next to me become B*tching at him????

yes, that is what he told me this morning. I dont know what brought it up this morning, but last night I did ask him to come sit beside me on the couch...his reply "why cant you come sit with me". Ok, well....this moring it came up that I B*tched at him several times about sitting with me!

??? guess that is out now. I try, I really do, but it seems like everything that I use to do and he would fuss at me about is now things HE is doing! UGH!

Patience Patience!!

You are right Cyrena, I know that I will be fine NO MATTER What!! THat keeps me going!!

I think this is harder than when he werent around.

It is a lonely place, to be piecing

Gonna put on a and go on with my day!!

Got a Hurricane coming this way later today. Gotta go batten down the hatches!!! Just got word they want to evacuate our county! Pray for us that the storm will move on quickly with NO damage!!!!!

[kissak]

Feeling kinda down this morning.

I feel like my H is having an affair with his cellphone. He stayed on it texting all sorts of people last night. Kids were even looking over his shoulder saying who he was texting...they were just playing.

I just have this nervous feeling things are going back down hill again. Cant figure out what caused it this time. But he just isnt acting the same as he did the first 6 months he was home. BUT he hasnt said anything about leaving. He just seems so bored and spaced out when at home.

I dont know what to do. I just keep acting as if everything is fine. Its getting harder and harder. I just want to cry today. Im feeling like those people who leave their spouses. I just want some attention, something from him...anything. Now I think I know why people go looking for affairs. NOT that I would ever do that...but I think I understand why now.

Made it through the Hurricane just fine lastnite....slept right through it.

[punkin]

Kissak,

Cellphones and Facebook are the work of the Debil!! Thas rite, the Debil!

I often think they were created by cheating spouses as a way to cheat. It all just makes it so much easier. You can cheat without getting your hands dirty, but it only encourages you to actually jump in the mud.

When my husband and I R 8 years ago, we went through a similar experience. Walking on eggshells all the time in your own home is not fun. I wish I could give you insight as to where it all ends, but for me, the snap was him deploying to Iraq. It seemed to wake him up.

Now, here I am again, and no deployment for H in sight. Having to work through this one the old fashioned way. Patience and resolve.

I can tell you that back in the day, I would try to smile and just be supportive, not appear suspicious or jealous, and go about my business as if he wasn't acting like a 14 year old.

((Hugs))

[TRUSTING]

Thinking of you today, Kissak. Hang in there

[kissak]

Thanks Trusting and Punkin...

Actually what I did in regards to the cellphone....I went and got mine and started sending him messages and stuff, just being funny...seemed like that was the only way to get his attention for the evening! lol I hoped he got the message. I do remember him saying at one point "what? you jealous or something" He did say it jokingly.

I told him this afternoon that I would like for me and him to go out this weekend for dinner and drinks...He said OK. SO, Im hoping the weekend goes good.

DO you have any idea how hard it is for me NOT to ask him if "we" are ok??? Trying not too....Maybe just because I dont wanna hear the answer.

[kissak]

Well things arent all that great right now. I lost all patience with my H yesterday and asked him if he was leaving again. He got angry at me for asking. BUT the only way I will ever get a true answer from him is to be blunt.

Fact is, I havent been imagining his behaviour over the last few weeks. He still wont come right out and tell me everything...just that his walls have never come down. Things arent going or progressing as he thought they would. Supposedly Im not doing something right...but he wont say what that is because If he tells me then I will do it because he told me to, not because I want to! ??????

Im to the point I dont want him around. How can things go from good to worse in a matter of a couple weeks??

Now things are weird again with him. Im trying to be upbeat now. Actually I feel SOOO much better after getting it out of my system! He however has now been made to "think"...something he isnt good at.

Another thing bothering me was all the texting! And his financial mess. He has had 3 paychecks to pay bills out of and has spent most of his money on just stuff here and there, that now he has to take money that was supposed to be for my truck payment to pay his bills. Luckily he has a good part of his paycheck put in my account for utilites and the house payment...so the bills that arent getting paid are mostly his credit/truck payments. All in his name. He is so irresponsible still with his money. Ive tried to help him, but Im so tired of him pushing me away. When he pushes, I seem to push further.

His excuse for not telling me what was up....he thought if he ignored it, it would go away. Two years of therapy, and no better with dealing with his feelings.

I even suggested marriage counseling being he still wants things to work out....but he wouldnt say yes. Maybe because I suggested his counselor...maybe cuz he doesnt tell her everything??? Which he admitted to. BUt the idea just doesnt appeal to him.

He is however pondering all the questions and comments I made to him. Iwant to hope for the best...but with his pattern of thinking....I have major doubts. I just dont understand how things seemed good for 6 months or so...and now, this?

[WCW]

I hear your frustration. IMO your H gets easily bored, and you and he need to learn how to live together again. Things were great when he first returned, vacations, etc. He wants that every day of life, and that's not reality. Well, maybe if he worked at Disneyland or something, but life isn't just all fun stuff.

Keep mixing it up.

[kissak]

Thanks WCW...but I feel like its more than that. He seems to have lost all want...he is angry, I think that is because he is frustrated that his expectations havent been met.

Honestly the walls were starting to come down with me a month or so ago...but over the last 4 weeks, he is slowly handing me back the bricks one by one!!

He is pushing away so much already that I feel like anything I say or do, just pushes him further. I feel there is nothing I can do now but take care of me and my kids. I am very fearful of if he leaves again only for my kids sake. I will be fine. My daughter already has her opinion of her dad. She is 14. My son is getting there on forming his opinion too. He told me the other day that he didnt want his daddy to leave again (he is already fearing it) he said he didnt want to put up with that stupid crap anymore! Then he whispered to me "Mom, I dont think me and daddy are going to have a good father/son relationship when I grow up". It made me sad. It would hurt my H if he knew it, then he would get mad at our son for saying it!! If my H leaves again I am very afraid for my son. His R with his dad will be greatly hurt. He is 9 now. When this all started he was only 5. He is much wiser now.

I hate this. I feel like I am already in a defensive mode! Why after 6 months??? THings were good...or so I thought.

I am living with a man who wont talk to me, wont tell me what he wants...he wants me to "guess" what will make him happy! Will NOT go to a counselor with me, has a closer R with his cell phone than with me or his kids!!

UGH! Venting....

Im trying, really. I texted him this morning to let him know I was thinking about him and I was sorry work wasnt going well...his reply..."OK". I really dont know what to do now other than Nothing!

I have thought about asking him to just go stay with his parents for a couple of weeks to give us some space from each other....but I am afraid he would take it the wrong way. He takes everything I say the wrong way. He is SO angry with ME! I havent a clue why or what happened. I dont know if there is an OW now or what.

Sorry guys...just needed to get some thoughts out of my head today.


4 years...Im not happy. Im tired.