WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[soleil]

robx,

Are saying that I should give up? Or that you are not aware of anyone on the site who has had an EA/PA that has been able to reconcile?

Many couples reconcile after an EA or PA butI don't know if that will be your case. (Also I don't know the stats for this site on this site).

It seems some acknowledgement of the EA or amends-making or trust-building is necessary

Absolutely. Whether you get back together or not, it's the ony way to go. Showing zero responsibility or acknowledgement for what you did will NOT help at all.

[robx]

I need advice from the vets: Gucci, Robx, Coach and Puppy I am getting conflicting advice and "what if" scenarios.

My W has sent one email a "Thank You" for a reminder since she left me eight weeks ago. I sent her an email sort of letting her go about 4 weeks after she left and went semi-dark for a duration of 3 to 4 weeks. I found out during that time that she went to see an IC and a week later sent me that "Thank you" email. I got too excited and overwhelmed her with 3 to 4 additional emails including an open invite to meet me for coffee/diet coke at a nearby restaraunt after her response.

Recently, I sent her an apology for the affair then told her that I wanted her to be happy so I was letting her go and I plan to go dark. I spoke with a DB coach yesterday and he told me that he would not recommend going totally dark to keep a little communication link to her. Her birthday is next Friday and I was not planning on sending her a card/email...just stay dark. What are your suggestions? She has not communicated with me since July 4th and no legal action to date.

My IC, the same one my W went to (don't know if she is still going) told me when I met with her that she thinks my W is still in love with me (closed eyes and a confirming nod of her head) that she is confused at the moment and to just give her time and space. Hence going totally dark.

The "what if" scenario question is when and if she starts to communicate with me do I ignore her first attempt? Or do I respond with a neutral tone? The reason I asked is that it appeared to have worked that last time I went dark only to push her back to not communicating with me.

Bro, not sure what advice you want to get from us on your situation.

In a nutshell,
in your first marriage, you were both never around for each other or specifically you were never around with your wife, you mention she left you but you don't mention that she had an affair. I'm thinking that since you weren't around a lot of the time, she may have found someone who paid attention to her enough to cement the idea in her head that leaving you and moving on with someone else was a good idea.

So she left you.

Second marriage, you admit that it was a rebound relationship and I think it's been posted a million times on this site that those relationships never last, you were looking for something to fill the temporary void left behind from your first marriage. It's not something you really wanted, you just didn't like the idea of being alone. Plus the fact that you hook up with a young honey who happens to be what, something like 20 years younger than you, I'm sure that put some "spring" back into your step ;-)

She's goal oriented, going to school to become a nurse, she's ambitious, so ambitious that you feel threatened by the fact that she's leading her life in the direction she wants and you figure part of that may include leaving you. So what do you do? You chicken out? You become afraid of your own wife because she's going to school to make something of herself and you figure that once she become's "somebody" she won't want to be with someone like yourself so instead of you being dumped as in your first marriage, you figure you'll head her off at the pass and cheat on her.

The brain is all about balance, we see it all around us in our lives. Two halves of the brain, left & right, up & down, hot & cold, wet & dry, good & bad, cheap & expensive, high value & low value, standing up & falling down, WAS & LBS.... you get the point. We're hardwired for balance and when something happens in our lives to throw us off balance, the natural reaction is to correct that somehow. You were the "dumpee" in your first relationship, you didn't want that to happen in your second relationship so you though you would start the process and become the "dumper" only it didn't work. You said it yourself, your wife was very smart, applied some intuitional db tactics on you and voila! WAS reconsiders their actions, comes back to the relationship, apologizes, works their butt off to make amends, etc. But... your wife knows her value now, why settle for an insecure, wussy old fart who doesn't value what he has at home that he has to go out and cheat on her when she can get a younger guy who will treat her much better, a guy who is secure in himself, doesn't need to prove anything, who doesn't play childish games, someone who is mature, strong, masculine, etc.

When is the last time you displayed these attractive qualities?
You have shown her that you don't have these qualities, do you have what it takes to show her that you do?

[robx]

robx,

Are saying that I should give up? Or that you are not aware of anyone on the site who has had an EA/PA that has been able to reconcile?

What did your wife do when you were cheating on her?
How did she get you back?
Did she get you back by being afraid that you were leaving, by crying, begging, pleading, etc.?

Probably not.

I think you need some time on your own to grow up & mature which is impressive, I think it's assumed that when a person reaches your age that you would already be grown up & mature.

I guess age really is just a number ;-)

[hurtinhartford]

soleil,

I am 49 my W is 28
T = 6 yrs
M = 4.5 yrs
My EA = 6/08 to 8/08
LYBNILWY me to W 6/08

We reconciled by sweeping the EA under the rug in August 08 and W internalized the hurt. I apologized this last Monday and also told her that I wanted her to be happy so I am letting her go. I semi let her go about 3 weeks ago and was dark prior to that. That is when she sent me a "Thank You" for forwarding her a message regarding a Dr's appointment. It appears each time I do not initiate contact or a friendly reminder via email that she responds in some way. Last night she initiated the email.

I am learning to be patient and communicate sparringly. After her 1st email response I overwhelmed her with 3 or 4 emails including an open invite for a coffee...pure push. I am doing 180's with my emails by showing no anger or lack of patience, which was something that she was concerned about prior to the seperation. And I am working towards GAL.

So following the path to reconcilation I am attempting to remove negative feelings at this time.

[hurtinhartford]

rpbx Touché

You are right me and the need to grow up. I was wrong for what I did and realized it when I saw the hurt in my W's eyes and what she did to get me to realize what I was missing.

I am past being afraid that she is leaving...she is gone and the begging, pleading, etc. So I am working on me both mentally and physically so that I am better at realtionships for either my W or if not meant to be someone else.

[hurtinhartford]

Robx,

You so are right!!!! I didn't show the mature confidence that won her over in the first place. I realized that before she left, but by then it was too late. I am working on my mojo now going to the gym (went from 285 to 205) and I feel much more confident about myself. I am working on GAL just trying to find the right outlet that will not compromise what is remaining of the R. I am not interested in dating anyone at this time nor is appropriate since I am still M. many of the sites recommend that approach, but I am avoiding that at this moment.

[NotCrackingUp]

hurtinhartford,

It feels great to get a crumb of communication, but don't run away with it, whatever you do.I'm new to this, taking the DR techniques as a kind of "users manual", but for what it's worth I wouldn't answer, or just "ok". Scarce on words. She'll be expecting you to e-mail her, I suppose "do something different". It's Friday evening here, I've just put down my first day at an inner-city junior high school with some tough customers. I was feeling blue I couldn't share my day with H as in the past. But I'll be hanged if I call him over anything but the children. And guess who just telephoned of his own accord?He spoke to the kids, then asked to speak to me, spent some time asking (wow) about my new school, and telling me his (work) troubles. All nice and friendly. He even said "je te fais des bisous" (= kiss you) at the end. i managed to stay "light and upbeat". Maybe my "going dark" is working. I'll keep going. It feels like you must reverse the tide, somehow. You have to stop being the one to do the running, I think. Having said that,my sit. is not the same as yours, my H has left possibly to re-unite with his hairdresser from hell. I'm telling myself that she's unavailable this evening, motivating a twinge of homesickness.
All this is very trying, I've never felt so lonely.I wish you luck in choosing the right tack.
NotCrackingUp

[NotCrackingUp]

Hurtinhartford,
Sorry, I replied to something about an e-mail to retrieve post, but it seems to be history now.Wrong page.
Good luck anyway.

[hurtinhartford]

Thanks NCU,

I followed Coach's advice. I did send an email this morning, let the night settle in. Then sent a short response "Ok, I'll leave it in the mailbox in the morning." Coach also recommended that I send only a b-day card and no gift "why reward bad behavior." So I am following his expert advice.

It is awkward trying to balance the fine line between reconciliation and trying not to tip the scales with too much (pushing). Keep up with your pulling back. I would recommend not talking with your H for too long and be the one that has to leave the conversation.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks, hurtinhartford,
That's a sound piece of advice, and in fact it's what I did on the phone just a while ago.Nice, but "see you later".

The thing is, my H wants everyone to just accept his behaviour - affair, anger, accusing, walking out. He never talks to the kids about it, and when our eldest brought up the subject, got very angry with him and gave him a piece of her teenage mind, he just told her she wasn't being "objective" and turned his back on her, as he'd done with me when I'd tried to get an explanation out of him (before reading DR).

He wants to "paper over the cracks", for us all to be light and happy and friendly while he just goes his own way, so he doesn't feel guilty.

So I can't tell if his ringing and conversing nicely etc. is a twinge of the old self, a result of my cool treatment or just him trying to pretend it never happened. I'm no psychologist, I hate mind-games and I'm confused. So I want to keep being scarce and let him do the ringing and contacting. Besides, I still feel love and desire for him, seeing him and talking to him hurt too much.
So I'll keep pulling back.
NotCrackingUp -yet.