Today is not a good day. I'm struggling with the idea of standing. I see my H just about every day because he spends time at the house with D, and I just get struck over and over again with how me and our M is not even on his radar. He comes over to see D when it is convenient for him and otherwise he is so obsessed with his career that it is all he can think about. Back at the end of June when I pushed him to make a choice he said the only way he would have more time to focus on us is if he were to quit his job and he loves his job. So I keep thinking...what am I waiting for? The hope for change is dwindling.
Additionally, H has been stressing over finances and job security. It frustrates me so much that we're leaning further and further into debt because of his choices to have two places to live and the associated expenses of that. It is hard to protect myself financially because I don't work and that definitely scares me. As I've mentioned before, I'm working on the whole going back to work thing.
After speaking with a DB friend, he suggested laying down the last resort. I'm not afraid of what might come out of that because I know that I will be okay in the end of this mess, but it hurts me to think of the impact on D and on H. 1. I always think, well what if tomorrow is the day he'll snap out of it? 2. Right after thought #1, I think, what if he never snaps out of it...what are you doing? 3. It makes me sad to think about the long term affects on his relationship with D. Especially when I grew up with divorced parents. 4. While I want to be smart financially for myself, I don't want to cause him further financial stress with alimony, child support, lawyer fees. I know that is trying to protect him and I really need to let go of that.
I never wanted to put an official timeline on my standing. I always hoped that one day I would just know when I'm at the point of moving on solo. Now I'm just worried that if I arrive at that point, I'll just keep myself in limbo thinking everyday that tomorrow will be the day he snaps out of it. Then I get frustrated with it all and drive myself crazy. *sigh*
