Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Dagny-2]

This is one of those days when everything seems so hard! Where work is stressful and it all seems so much, and the person I would turn to and vent has left and boy do I want to reach out to him. Last night he didn't even call the kids, guess he and OW were having hot sex. How is that even possible? One month ago I was oblivious to it. Having a pity party and tied to my work that I can't go do anything constructive, cause I need a job! And I got through 2 days without crying. An hour and a half to pull it together before the kids get home and I need to be strong for them. These are the days I want him to hurt as much as me!

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[quote=Dagny-2]This is one of those days when everything seems so hard! Where work is stressful and it all seems so much, and the person I would turn to and vent has left and boy do I want to reach out to him. [/quote


Dagny, when I feel like this, I try to reach out to Him.

That usually works for me.


Puppy

[Dagny-2]

H asked me the other day (I ignored the question) about why I can't sleep. I want to write a "letting go" type letter (I'm still not ready to do the full-blown expose the OW to the world), but I will be gone for 10 days and H will have the kids and I would like to not talk to him at all during that time. This is the email I want to send. Is this firm and clear? Is it a good idea? Or am I completely missing the boat?

I cannot sleep because my husband is having an affair. I cannot sleep because a friendship I treasured most in my life is now over. I cannot sleep because the enormity of the decisions I need to make and the impact it will have on my life, the boys’ life and even your life are huge and will impact the rest of our lives. I take the vows I made seriously, they were for better or worse, and this is surely the worse. I wish to demonstrate to our children what ones does when things are tough, that you work to fix them. I agreed to the separation because our living together was intolerable, three people do not belong in a marriage. I wish to someday begin the difficult process of reconciliation, but cannot do that until you end your affair. I hope that is before my love for you dies. I want to know that I have done everything I could to provide a loving and stable family for our children. I must also protect myself emotionally, and the children, as much as I can from the turmoil in our lives. This is what keeps me up at night, since you asked.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Dagny))))))
I don't think I would send it. When I read it, I hear holding on, not letting go.

if you talk to him before you leave, just ask him not to call unless it is an emergency, that you will work out talking with the kids.

[Dagny-2]

Hey Handsome (I just like saying that!) holding on is not what I was going for!

I wanted to basically state that the affair is not okay with me (though you think that is obvious to any sane person, though our conversation to date is me accusing, him agreeing, me telling him the kids can't be near her, him nodding and saying at some point and him asking if he should tell the kids, that is literally all we have discussed).

I wanted to also tell him I'm willing to reconcile, the conditions, but I'm not waiting around forever.

How can I get those points across and still be letting go? If I can't, I won't send it. I don't want to be weak and needy. I want a H that wants to be with me, nothing less.

[Virtually_Handsome]

There is a story behind the name! I'm not that vain! I didn't give it to myself! But, thank you! (((((Dangny)))))

I have a feeling that he already knows that the affair isn't ok, that you are willing to reconcile, and the conditions. Am I right?

If you are going to say it in a letter, it needs to be WAY stronger than that letter. I think there need to be a lot fewer words, more facts, less feelings. I think the first couple sentences would be taken as an effort to send him on a guilt trip. Of course, after that, the rest won't even matter.

Right now, I think less is more.

[Dagny-2]

I assume he knows the A isn't okay with me! As I said, we really haven't talked. Before he admitted I told him that we should fight for the M, but after, he just said he was leaving, gave me choices and I told him my decision.

I see the first two lines are really wimpy. I just somehow want to tell him that I'm not waiting forever. He asked me right before he left if I would ever take him back. I hesitated and then said, I think so, with conditions, of course. I guess I'm trying to make that point clear and then I want to have no contact with him while I'm in PA. I also signed up for divorcecare while I'm in PA. And I think I've bought every book out there on divorce recovery. I want to be as ready as possible and be able to move on with my life. I don't think it will do any harm, being ready for single life, if he would get his head out of his butt.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

((((((Dagny))))))
I don't think I would send it. When I read it, I hear holding on, not letting go.

Well-stated, VH -- I do too. Sorry, Dagny, just being honest.

"Letting you go" speeches are best delivered in person, and in RESPONSE to some specific action or statement from the wayward spouse. When it's done in writing, proactively, it comes across as pursuing, which of course is the exact opposite of what you're going for.

But what the hell do I know -- I just ended a sentence with a preposition.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wanted to also tell him I'm willing to reconcile, the conditions, but I'm not waiting around forever.

Noooooo!!!!!

Similar to my just-posted statement to you above (only multiplied by 10x), the concept's the same. These boundaries and conditions are best expressed when the wayward spouse ASKS what it will take to come back to the marriage (or, alt., says "I will do ANYTHING!!"). That is your moment of maximum leverage.

Otherwise, think about it: the dynamic is you saying "This is the only way I will reconcile!" and he's like "Who said anything about reconciling!!?"

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

Thanks Handsome & Puppy,

I see your points, they are very obvious now. Yeah, like he is even considering a R with me, duh? Pretty thick here. The thing is, being a Ms. Fix It and also being a 2b type of girl just don't mix so well. I want to have the opportunity to set some boundaries, to do something. And the answer to that do something is GAL and 180. So get off the damn computer and do something!

I will go to PA next week and call the kids when he isn't home. It should be a pretty easy week to let go of him and focus just on me.

And sometimes it is just too much work to rearrange and sentence and not have the preposition at the end.

Thanks, all,

Dagny