wonderful marriage hits midlife crisis

[Albuquerque]

TAMF,

It does sound like we are in a very similar situation. I read the stories of others whose S are filled with anger, spewing hatred, completely abandoning the family and feel fortunate that I'm not in that situation, but at the same time, that is usually accompanied with a distance that I think it necessary and healthy (at least for the LBS).
The DB purpose of the NC or going dim is two-fold. First, it allows the LBS to detach. That is crucial. But second, it is to allow the S to become the pursuer rather than it being us. Like a child that runs away from its parents until he realizes that his parents aren't around and then he runs the other way. In our case, our H have not really run the other way, but have kind of run parallel to us. They run beside us with us with the OW on one side and us on the other. I'm still wrestling with the best way to deal with this. I don't want to actively PUSH away because that's not how I see my role. But I don't want to keep things totally like normal because they're not and I need to make that clear. So far, the best I've found is to still only contact him when absolutely necessary about D. But I don't end up needing to do that too often because he ends up contacting me about various unimportant things and I'll take that opportunity to update him on any D news. I don't tell him my plans, I don't invite him to anything, I don't plan on us doing anything together and I don't talk about myself, my problems, my feelings etc. But most importantly, I try to focus on myself. I still have a lot of growing to do and I'm sure you do to. Keep thinking about YOU. Concentrate on YOU. Believe me, I know its hard to do in a situation like ours, but it is all we can do. Remember the mantras because they are absolutely true. MLC=confusion and Believe NONE of what he says and only 50% of what he does. That second one was hard for me to believe since I've spent all my adult life trusting him implicitly. But I have seen how true it is. Actions that even seem nice often have a secret agenda that is not PRO you. Best of luck and keep working with the detachment.