How To Tell The Kids

[DanF]

Pool is open for a few more weeks. I'm doing well and hope you are too buddy! WTF are our W's thinking anyway? We can be happy regardless!!

Keep on keepin' on baby!!!!

[A_goodman]

Glad you're still up. I was thinking of you, Pup and Coach. Sitting outside enjoying myself With a nice robusto.

Yep. Our wives are ate the he'll up! We are pretty damn great guys. Too bad it took all this to start living again. I think they will not land as well as us. It's a shame. I read Doodis thread and I can understand it better for her, but we didn't abuse anybody and we still got the same thing. It's almost as if marriage is like walking through a minefield.

One day we need to get together. It's like were foxhole buddies or something.

See ya.

[DanF]

Went to visit my old neighbors tonight. Kids were out when I drove up,so I talked with them for a little bit. People said how can you go over there with your W around? I told them I don't have to give-up my friends just because they liveacross the street from stbxw. I don't care what she does or what she thinks. I am going to live my life.

Had a good time with a few beers and a nice Rocky 1990. Hung out until about 11pm.

They told me she came over the other night to chat and they were surprised. She didn't say much tho because one of the other neighbors was over. We call him billy (as in hillbilly) and he overtakes any conversation that is going on. She had a smoke and left before too long. Not too sure what to make of that. They told her about how great my new house was and the fun they had swimming in the pool! Life goes on I guess. For me anyway.

My life is good. Lots of good friends to help me out and all you guys to keep me in line. Thanks for the support!!!

[DanF]

Ok, since I am out of the house now and moving on, I have a couple of questions about how to handle different situations that I get in with W.

She called me the first night that I had the kids and asked how things were going. I said fine, the kids had fun. She wanted to talk to them about their first day of school and I said ok, but D is already in bed. W says, yeah, she didn't sleep much last night. I don't know if she was nervous about school or about staying over at your house or what (D was fine at my house). She also said that she was very tired too and that she hadn't slept hardly at all the previous night.

I didn't say much, but should I have talked with her about it, asking why and trying to delve in like I cared? When she mentioned being stressed out a while back, I asked her why she was so stressed and she just shot back an angry "Isn't it obvious?" I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. My gut tells me that maybe I should have engaged her in a conversation, but I am always wrong about these things, so.....

On another note, I have the kids this weekend and am picking them up from school today. We are taking a trip to grandma's for a couple of days and W didn't give me much in the way of clothes for the kids (says I will get more later) so she sends me this email:

"I will pack a suitcase for the kids and have their blankies, DS, I-pod, etc in the front foyer. I told them they could come and get the stuff after school tomorrow. I am furloughed Friday and am going to a work picnic sometime in the afternoon. I may not be home at that time."

Being a good DBer, I didn't respond right away. Then I forgot about it and didn't respond at all. Does this kind of note require any sort of reply?

We haven't talked much since I left, but it has only been a week and I haven't initiated any conversations and have no intention to at this point. Do I just wait for her to start asking about the R or what? I don't know what to expect. I think I am supposed to treat her just like any other friend now, right?

I'm confused as to what to expect next and how to handle her when we do talk.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[DanF]

I see you are supporting others.

Sometimes I question whether I give the correct support and advice to others. I think the vets may cringe at the advice I give. I'm just not sure of myself because I seem to make so many mistakes with my own sitch.

Thanks R2C.

[TimeHeals]

I asked her why she was so stressed and she just shot back an angry "Isn't it obvious?"

"Yep, but that's why I don't watch the news anymore: it was doing the same thing to me" (subtext: I can't read your mind).

Being a good DBer, I didn't respond right away. Then I forgot about it and didn't respond at all. Does this kind of note require any sort of reply?

No question asked, no reply required. A simple, thanks for leaving the stuff in the foyer after you picked it up is good manners. Momma didn't raise no fool.

Do I just wait for her to start asking about the R or what?

If she's being nice, try flirting with her. How much more can she shoot you down?

By flirting, I mean playful teasing or a well placed compliment. Polish yer skillz

[Ready2Change]

Ok, since I am out of the house now and moving on, I have a couple of questions about how to handle different situations that I get in with W.

I'll give my 2 cents.

She called me the first night that I had the kids and asked how things were going. I said fine, the kids had fun. She wanted to talk to them about their first day of school and I said ok, but D is already in bed. W says, yeah, she didn't sleep much last night. I don't know if she was nervous about school or about staying over at your house or what (D was fine at my house). She also said that she was very tired too and that she hadn't slept hardly at all the previous night.

All the she's confuses me. I can make assumptions (and try to read from context) ie W said D was very tired or W said "I hardly slept last night"....Dbing for me also includes clearer communications.

I didn't say much, but should I have talked with her about it, asking why and trying to delve in like I cared?

There is a fine line. You want change your behavior and draw W back in a non needy way. It is important to project that you are confident, happy, etc with or without her. Listening and validating are good, because you did not do that during the M.

When she mentioned being stressed out a while back, I asked her why she was so stressed and she just shot back an angry "Isn't it obvious?" I'm not exactly sure how to handle this. My gut tells me that maybe I should have engaged her in a conversation, but I am always wrong about these things, so.....

This is where communication skills as well as body language, tone understanding etc help out a lot....A woman tells me she is fine, but I NOW KNOW SHE IS NOT.....my response is "Really, you look (sound) upset.." then I wait and listen.....

"I will pack a suitcase for the kids and have their blankies, DS, I-pod, etc in the front foyer. I told them they could come and get the stuff after school tomorrow. I am furloughed Friday and am going to a work picnic sometime in the afternoon. I may not be home at that time."[

At this stage, fine. I would suggest that you take the kids clothes shopping some time soon...Have fun

Being a good DBer, I didn't respond right away.

perfect!

Then I forgot about it and didn't respond at all. Does this kind of note require any sort of reply?

No response needed. A thank you from the kids may be in order when you lick it up. Focus on teaching the kids. Role model adult behavior.

Do I just wait for her to start asking about the R or what?

YES

I don't know what to expect.

Work on you. Get prepared.

I think I am supposed to treat her just like any other friend now, right?

You treat her like the mother of your children. You treat her like a cat. Treat her like a teenager that broke the rules. Let natural consequences happen. Be the most attractive guy she knows (lots of work to be done to get to that point). We have time to work on that.

I'm confused as to what to expect next and how to handle her when we do talk.

Listen, validate, and "I need time to think about that" works well. Remember every detail she says and post it here for help....

Any advice would be appreciated.

Read as much as you can during this phase...Check out the books I list in my thread....

[idontunderstand]

I see you are supporting others.

Sometimes I question whether I give the correct support and advice to others. I think the vets may cringe at the advice I give. I'm just not sure of myself because I seem to make so many mistakes with my own sitch.

Thanks R2C.

Dan, I for one will tell you that I appreciate the support you have given me. I feel the same as you at time; what business do I have giving others advice when I can't follow it myself? We have a hard time seeing our own sitch's because we are too close. We can go back and read our own advice to others to address our own problems as if they came from elsewhere.

Did that make sense?

Thanks again and don't desert me!

[Coach]

I see you are supporting others.

Sometimes I question whether I give the correct support and advice to others. I think the vets may cringe at the advice I give. I'm just not sure of myself because I seem to make so many mistakes with my own sitch.

Thanks R2C.

I believe that helping others here helps you to detach. It helps you see the sitation a little more objectively. Plus it makes you think thru things come up with a plan and how to get there - goals. You have to learn to teach so it makes you search for greater comprehension- the why of what you do. You will get alot of feedback when you post to others as well. Makes you challenge your own thoughts and either defend or re-think your position. All of this makes you stronger, wiser and more aware.

Cheers

[DanF]

Thanks again and don't desert me!

I want you to know that if we ever get into any really heavy combat, I'll be behind you all the way!