Its tough to decide at times..is she being WAW or W. Is she honestly trying to be mature about this and is doing what she feels is best, or are these games - I am the enemy..and at the end of the day...its hell with that Keeter.
I am mindful as I can be about her feelings, without them interferring with mine. I know this needs to be about me right now, and about the livihood of our kids.
I don't want this to be ugly, I really don't. It can make it worse for the kids in the long run.
I understand what you mean Gr8, to keep it flexible - seems to work for everyone in that aspect - but for how long will that work?
And I hear you too Coach - something stable is required...before it all becomes a disadvantage to me.
Should I email her back again? or should the next time I bring it up be when I just come out and tell her what extra days I will be taking our sons?
I feel she is referring back to when she left, what was said, what was done etc. I feel she is not listening to me because of that.
I could do the same - dwell on the past and get nowhere. There was a major crisis happening back then - a lot of heat of the moment things were said and done. Heck, when she mentioned she was contemplating our marriage..I was scared. I started seeking legal advice online - she had written in her journal that she felt I was acting prematurely about it. A month later she was outta there. Guess I wasn't eh? She didn't plan things over night - she knew what she was going to do and say well before she presented the idea to me - she knew she was going to be a WAW. Time to move forward now.
I feel she may also be taking some time to analyze this herself, and what worries me about this is that she processes what I say into her own version. She will completely miss what I said, my point, what I want and why. That happened a lot in our marriage, those communication break downs. I take a lot of blame in that.
That is why I worked hard on the emails we had today - I felt I was very diplomatic and to the point. I did not want there to be anything she could "rip apart" and piece back together in her own understanding. But then again, I guess I am trying to control in that respect...she will see it the way she chooses.
A mediator is less expensive than a lawyer. Also here in the states, one can get a lot done on their own or with the help of Legal Aid.
On the other hand - how can you put a price on your sanity and on protecting your relationship with your children. People spend a lot of money on college, houses, etc, how about on your emotional security?
The Mediators in Canada are a less expensive approach as well - but...they are only useful when both parties are in agreement with things. Then the Lawyers step up to the plate. Cha-ching.
Be careful of Status Quo! The longer you do "accept" something in a seperation the more likely hood the courts will see 'you've been doing it all along and nothing has changed so why do it now". Change the situation now.
Have you considereed a week on , week off scenario?
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I am trying to work on an agreement with her now, I do not accept the seeing the kids outside of my current schedule, on a "flexible...here and there" basis - as she proposed in her email back to me.
I want an arrangement with some more stability.
I have decided (10 mins ago while I took a little drive on my lunch) that I will no longer be apologizing to her as I request more time with my kids. By doing that, I am worrying too much about "her" emotions - it hurts me to think about taking that approach, because I do care about her...her feelings DO mean something to me. But at the same time, this is a whole new sitch - we are separated. She can use my caringness against me. She doesn't show it towards me (her care...if she has any), and I cannot expect that. So why give it to her...it doesn't get me or us...anywhere.
I feel selfish right now, and I think that is only natural. But being strong...is taking that feeling with a grain of salt. I observe the feeling...then I let it go.
I feel selfish right now, and I think that is only natural.
Looking out for yourself is selfish? Then you worry about your wife's feelings when she ran off with the kids, you send her money and you apologise for wanting to see them? It's not natural it's co-dependent.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Let me assure you that your feelings don't mean squat to her protect your self and your kids. Right now she is in the drivers seat she has no reason to want to change. Only you have the power to force changes. In the long run she will respect you for standing up to her and doing whats right for your kids. I am 3 months into a custody battle every time I turn up the heat she gets a little nicer and allows me more access to my kids.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
I was feeling like a bit of a Jerkface today - but I dug deeper and realized it is me..letting go. I am getting stronger. I am thinking about and caring about me. The Jerkface feeling is the guilt, it is a shell surrounding what is really happening. I will break that shell.
I love this:
"Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
It may come of as complex, but in a nutshell...You will be OK if you WANT to be, you have to WORK in order for that to happen. A better NOW will make for a better FUTURE..for you. Thats the way I see it anyhow.
Thanks again everyone, for the support, advice..sharing your own stories etc. IT has been so truly helpful.
