You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[NoCodeBlues]

CG, I don't think we're really all that far off on this issue. I agree that cutting off a child, especially a pre-pubescent girl, who tend to be more verbally communicative anyway, might not be all that wise if not done with extreme tact. We must always be mindful of crushing their spirit, so to speak.

But just like a conversation is not a lecture, neither is it a one-way street. Both parties have a say in what is said. That includes the parent in this case. Furthermore unless the child can offer (or the parent can glean for them) some overriding feeling or need to discuss sensitive topics such as the D or to illicit comments about the former spouse, I'm not convinced the child's casual interest should always takes precedence. If the child truly needs to know or the parent has no problems with it, that's one thing.

Don't get me wrong, the parent has no need to blow the child off entirely. There more tactful and sensitive ways to ask a child to change or alter the topic.

But I think you will agree that the key point is that the communication between parent and child continues, even if a particular topic might be brought to an end. To keep the lines open nonetheless.

And truth be told, isn't that what a child really wants from us anyway, for the parent to communicate with them, whatever the subject might be?

[awest1217]

Later, I thought to myself, "this is stupid. I am tired of people feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. It's time to start moving forward without looking back."

So it's time for a new thread. If you read me getting weepy and all 'woe is me,' please call me on it.

CTH this is how you started this thread, with the idea that you wanted a change, you wanted to stop the rut you have been in. I understand that you will go through stages of anger and sadness, but you have said many times you are an optimist, so where is that optimist attitude lately?

Yes life is hard, yes life stinks, yes this isn't what you wanted for your life, but you can't control stbxw's choices. Pick yourself up and be the optimist you say you are. Look at the bright side. You are moving into a house in a month. The girls will be able to be as loud as they would like. You got less child support payment. You get to see your girls every day after school so really you don't see them every other Saturday and Sunday (that in itself many fathers on here would love to have).

Are you mad? Yes and that is perfectly fine and normal, but it is what you do with that anger that is important. Will it eat you up and change how you would like to act with your girls? Or will you show them how to control your emotions?

With children, I teach them that anger is important, but when they are angry they should voice their anger and let it out in a productive way like screaming into a pillow or hitting a pillow (something inadimate so it isn't like a person). They learn to express their emotions in a positive way. What about finding a sport that will allow you to let out your pent up anger?

Also on GALing, it isn't just about going out all the time. GALing mean getting a life,which is much more than going out with people all the time.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny, Awest, I'm trying to NOT be an optimist -- or a pessimist -- and just focus on today.

Have you ever heard of the Stockdale paradox. Admiral Stockdale was a Vietnam prisoner of war. He said the experience shaped his life in positive ways -- that's the paradox. He had to go through great suffering, but he survived and it made him stronger.

A reporter later asked him -- who didn't get out of the prison camps?

He said "That's easy. The optimists."

The optimists would say we'll be out by July 4, or we'll be out by Thanksgiving, or by Christmas. Stockdale said every time a date would come and go the optimists would die a little bit more and eventually they gave up.

That's how I was last year. We'll be back together by her birthday or Christmas or our anniversary.

So I'm trying to just focus on today.

Side note. The after school sitter money thing sorted itself out. She MISCOUNTED. So it was nothing. I did clean out my couches though. That's good.

Tonight I have a football game to score then two friends are in town from Labor Day. I reconnected through Facebook and both have gone through divorces so we've talked a lot in the past year.

So after the game I'm going to spend a few hours with them.

Tomorrow and Sunday I have the girls and we'll do the big Labor Day festival and spend a day at the health club.

Sunday night I'm dropping them off at STBXW's and heading out with some other friends.

Then golf on Monday and either catching up on work or catching up on sleep.

[ClingingToHope]

It will hardly be comfortable the day CTH's daughter comes to him and says "dad, I just got my period" or "dad, I have questions about sex" but he is going to have to deal with it, right? My thought pattern would be if his kids know HE feels some subjects are off limits they will follow suit and be very selective about what they keep sharing with him.

Actually, D11 already started having periods. When we went to the amusement park I had tampons in my pocket. Ah, the joys of fatherhood. With D11, the one thing I've told her I don't want to talk about is STBXW's life as a single woman.

There are no other off limits subjects.

To me it's a privacy issue. I don't think STBXW wants me to know what she's doing on her private time.

Or perhaps she does. Maybe she's telling the girls things hoping they come running to me to stick the knife in.

I've told the girls very little about what I do when they are not there. In fact, it came out last week that they are feeling sorry for me. They are assuming I'm just sitting home every night. I told them, no, actually I've got so many things going I'm rarely home.

[ClingingToHope]

That's where we need to weigh our needs versus their needs. And when it comes to words spoken we need only remember to T.H.I.N.K. before we speak:
T. Is it True?
H. Is it Helpful?
I. Is it Inspiring?
N. Is it Necessary?
K. Is it Kind?

Yes. I need to do this. Every time I have an exchange that didn't go well I hope I learn from it and do better the next time.

[ClingingToHope]

Lots of good things happened this weekend and one bad thing. Friday I did the football game and met friends who were in town from Georgia and New Hampshire for drinks. They've both gone through divorces and we had a great time.

The girls spent the night at friends houses. Picked them up in the morning and we hit the Labor Day festival mid-day. Good times there. One small D8 incident. Otherwise good. Picked up two friends of there's for a sleepover. Dropped them off on Sunday morning.

Sunday didn't go as planned. Had a good time with free passes at the mini-putt/go kart track. The girls were picking at each other a bit.

Sunday night, we laid around and watched TV and D11 did a fashion design game for a while.

The bad. STBXW was supposed to pick them up at 10 p.m. She was out of town with friends at a concert. Originally, I was going to keep them overnight, but I was going to golf in the morning so I'd asked her to pick them up Sunday night. She said fine.

So I made plans for Sunday night as well.

Anyway, she sends texts around 4 p.m. saying she might not make it by 10 p.m. Then she sends a text at 6 p.m. asking how "firm" my 6:15 a.m. plans were.

Well, we'd moved the tee time to 1 p.m., but I had made plans to go out when she got the girls.

So I told her friends were expecting me and the girls were expecting her.

She sent a text back mad because she thought I was working Monday and she doesn't feel like she should have to come back, but she would do her best to get back on time.

Now. Part of me was mad because she was basically trying to change times because she was having fun. Part of me was mad because she was having fun and wanted to stay the night and my still addicted to STBXW brain did not want her staying the night. I wanted to make sure she came home.

I know. I know. Let it go.

Anyway, she ended up getting them a few minutes after 10 p.m. I did my best to not see her, rushing the kids out the door, closing it behind them.

That's bad too.

See today is her birthday and I really wanted to make sure I didn't have to see her at all today.

Anyway. The emotional ups and downs so exhausted me, I ended up canceling last night and just going to sleep.

I made it out to golf today and am heading out to see a friend.

I just really hope I'm a lot farther down the detachment road by Labor Day next year.

Go ahead, swing the 2x4s.

[whatisis]

Go ahead, swing the 2x4s.

For what?

[mishka422]

No 2x4 from me.

You made plans, she tried to change them, you didn't budge on them. Good work. Consequences are a b!tch aren't they? LOL

The avoidance will have to stop, sooner or later but you will do it in your own time. I'm hoping for sooner rather than later for your and your girl's sake.

[awest1217]

I agree with you CTH. STBXW was supposed to have them on Monday anyway so what is her problem? She is the one who wanted full custody so once again this is her problem not yours. The girls were planning on being with her so she needs to just deal with it. It is part of being a parent.

[soleil]

CTH, you did fine. It's called a schedule and she should adhere to it.