I need advice from the vets: Gucci, Robx, Coach and Puppy I am getting conflicting advice and "what if" scenarios.
My W has sent one email a "Thank You" for a reminder since she left me eight weeks ago. I sent her an email sort of letting her go about 4 weeks after she left and went semi-dark for a duration of 3 to 4 weeks. I found out during that time that she went to see an IC and a week later sent me that "Thank you" email. I got too excited and overwhelmed her with 3 to 4 additional emails including an open invite to meet me for coffee/diet coke at a nearby restaraunt after her response.
Recently, I sent her an apology for the affair then told her that I wanted her to be happy so I was letting her go and I plan to go dark. I spoke with a DB coach yesterday and he told me that he would not recommend going totally dark to keep a little communication link to her. Her birthday is next Friday and I was not planning on sending her a card/email...just stay dark. What are your suggestions? She has not communicated with me since July 4th and no legal action to date.
My IC, the same one my W went to (don't know if she is still going) told me when I met with her that she thinks my W is still in love with me (closed eyes and a confirming nod of her head) that she is confused at the moment and to just give her time and space. Hence going totally dark.
The "what if" scenario question is when and if she starts to communicate with me do I ignore her first attempt? Or do I respond with a neutral tone? The reason I asked is that it appeared to have worked that last time I went dark only to push her back to not communicating with me.
Bro, not sure what advice you want to get from us on your situation.
In a nutshell, in your first marriage, you were both never around for each other or specifically you were never around with your wife, you mention she left you but you don't mention that she had an affair. I'm thinking that since you weren't around a lot of the time, she may have found someone who paid attention to her enough to cement the idea in her head that leaving you and moving on with someone else was a good idea.
So she left you.
Second marriage, you admit that it was a rebound relationship and I think it's been posted a million times on this site that those relationships never last, you were looking for something to fill the temporary void left behind from your first marriage. It's not something you really wanted, you just didn't like the idea of being alone. Plus the fact that you hook up with a young honey who happens to be what, something like 20 years younger than you, I'm sure that put some "spring" back into your step ;-)
She's goal oriented, going to school to become a nurse, she's ambitious, so ambitious that you feel threatened by the fact that she's leading her life in the direction she wants and you figure part of that may include leaving you. So what do you do? You chicken out? You become afraid of your own wife because she's going to school to make something of herself and you figure that once she become's "somebody" she won't want to be with someone like yourself so instead of you being dumped as in your first marriage, you figure you'll head her off at the pass and cheat on her.
The brain is all about balance, we see it all around us in our lives. Two halves of the brain, left & right, up & down, hot & cold, wet & dry, good & bad, cheap & expensive, high value & low value, standing up & falling down, WAS & LBS.... you get the point. We're hardwired for balance and when something happens in our lives to throw us off balance, the natural reaction is to correct that somehow. You were the "dumpee" in your first relationship, you didn't want that to happen in your second relationship so you though you would start the process and become the "dumper" only it didn't work. You said it yourself, your wife was very smart, applied some intuitional db tactics on you and voila! WAS reconsiders their actions, comes back to the relationship, apologizes, works their butt off to make amends, etc. But... your wife knows her value now, why settle for an insecure, wussy old fart who doesn't value what he has at home that he has to go out and cheat on her when she can get a younger guy who will treat her much better, a guy who is secure in himself, doesn't need to prove anything, who doesn't play childish games, someone who is mature, strong, masculine, etc.
When is the last time you displayed these attractive qualities? You have shown her that you don't have these qualities, do you have what it takes to show her that you do?
