Today marks the 4th week of going dark. Has had its moments of difficulty, but I have hung in there. Worked on a few mini projects to keep my mind focused, and utlized some meditation techniques to keep me calm (the breathing works great).
When she chose to be the WAW, it happened very fast. We made some verbal agreements on how we wanted things to be. At that time, I was obviously had a feeling of shock (in retrospect..maybe I shouldn't have) and the things I agreed to with her about finances and child custody..were decisions I had made quickly. I just wanted her and our kids to be OK, I was feeling guilt and I didn't want to make things worse - cripes...she was walking out of my life.
It is going on 9 months now - the smoke has settled a bit and things have changed. I have changed. My relationship with my sons has changed. My feelings about the agreements me made have changed. We do not have anything in writing yet - and in a way I am glad. Becaase I feel that makes things "negotiable".
I can't make this about her anymore, I won't. I can't support the idea of making this all "easy" for her, her decision - as much as I respect it still (don't fully understand it all, but respect what I can about it). I don't HAVE to struggle as much as I have been, it was my choice in the beginning, but once again..that has changed. I punished myself, but now I must move forward.
I will post some email discussions we had today about child custody, I had advised her that I want to have the kids more often...starting with adding an extra day a week..or something we could mutually agree on.
Was hoping I could get some advice or critisism on my verbiage.
Going to post it below..so this post doesn't appear so long.
