wonderful marriage hits midlife crisis

[Albuquerque]

TAMF,

Your H sounds a lot like mine. My H is still fairly involved with D and continues to contact me a lot. When I first started on this forum, I tried to follow the "rules" and limit contact. But he continued to call me, text me, email me, IM me etc. And it wasn't necessarily important stuff, it was just stuff he found interesting and that he thought I might find interesting. He asks D and I out to eat often and often does those weird unexpected "nice" things that seem surreal. Yet, I can see him, in front of me, texting the OW. I know he's going to visit her (even though he hasn't admitted it and I haven't asked) and I see her posting all over his FB. Is H doing some cake eating? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Hell yeah. But it pisses me off in a detached sort of way. I'm mad not necessarily at him, but at the situation. I can see him texting OW (in what he thinks is a surruptitious way) and find it more sad for him than anything else. Because I can also see his confusion, depression and frustration with how his life has been the last 6 months.

I've debated whether I'm making the right approach with continuing constant contact and allowing the cake eating. The choice I made was for ME, not for him. I feel that I'm living up to my commitment for the M by being there for him when he feels he needs some human contact. I do NOT initiate contact unless its about D. But when he contacts me, which is often, I am always friendly and compassionate, but stick to his topics and never really discuss me (because I know in his frame of mind he doesn't care to know and probably wouldn't remember anyway)

The general rule of thumb for MLCers is to back off with communication and for the most part I agree, but you have to remember its intended to help YOU detach. You need to be able to not let his actions affect your feelings. That is SO important if you think will continue to have constant contact with H. I think a few (not many) H need that continued contact. Just remember, from the face of it, it may often seem and feel like the old relationship is back (at least that's how it is with me). But reality has a way of smacking you in the face from time to time. You have to be ready and able to withstand those smacks if you continue regular contact. For example, having a great friendly conversation with H only for him to casually mention going forward with separation. Remember, MLC=confusion. So don't read ANYTHING into his actions. He is obviously thinking about you but that is coupled with a wealth of confusion, hurt, depression etc and you may not necessarily see that part. But you are right, he's probably thinking about OW as well and that R needs to die before he can move on with his journey.

[LanceSijan]

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[TAMF]

Albuquerque - You and I must be married to the same man - unfortunately Sad truth is...my H and I are best friends. We have literally grown up together. We have been a couple since high school. We have this kind of comfort and ease with each other, that even with everything we are going through, we still have. It is natural and feels "right" when we talk to each other. I think that is why this is so damn confusing. Not only for me but for our Ds too. They don't understand because we don't ever fight. We laugh and tease, joke around or we are just quiet and comfortable in each others company.

We also have a physical attraction that is tough to fight. We took the girls boating and while he was on the boat (looking through my text messages on my cell) I was in the water on a raft. My D12 came swimming out to me and said, "Dad keeps staring at you Mom! He can't keep his eyes off of you. Seriously mom I am not making it up." I know she wasn't making it up, I could see him looking too. Trust me when I say that I can look at him with one glance and I see the physical proof that he wants me. When I glance down and then look at him questioningly - he says his normal response, "sex was never our problem. You are hot, and I want you. But that is all it is - just sex."

So I ask him...I am your best friend that you want to have sex with? Geez, what a HORRIBLE situation to be in. He just shakes his head and says that there is "something missing".

Then he texts the OW.

I don't know - this rollercoaster ride is just ridiculous.

[punkin]

TAMF,

That's the problem, we're ALL married to the same man. At the same time, none of us are the OW. So if we're all married to the same man but we're not the OW, where did she come from?

Ah, the conundrum, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

[TAMF]

punkin - thank you for the laugh on this Friday morning! Ah, the conundrum!

In my case the OW is a 27 year old who has been married for 3 years and about the time my husband started questioning his life, she found out she can't have children. So she is going through her own MLC I suppose (blah-blah-blah) well she won't even get to be a stepmom if she stays with my husband cause my Ds will hate her forever.

[Albuquerque]

TAMF,

It does sound like we are in a very similar situation. I read the stories of others whose S are filled with anger, spewing hatred, completely abandoning the family and feel fortunate that I'm not in that situation, but at the same time, that is usually accompanied with a distance that I think it necessary and healthy (at least for the LBS).
The DB purpose of the NC or going dim is two-fold. First, it allows the LBS to detach. That is crucial. But second, it is to allow the S to become the pursuer rather than it being us. Like a child that runs away from its parents until he realizes that his parents aren't around and then he runs the other way. In our case, our H have not really run the other way, but have kind of run parallel to us. They run beside us with us with the OW on one side and us on the other. I'm still wrestling with the best way to deal with this. I don't want to actively PUSH away because that's not how I see my role. But I don't want to keep things totally like normal because they're not and I need to make that clear. So far, the best I've found is to still only contact him when absolutely necessary about D. But I don't end up needing to do that too often because he ends up contacting me about various unimportant things and I'll take that opportunity to update him on any D news. I don't tell him my plans, I don't invite him to anything, I don't plan on us doing anything together and I don't talk about myself, my problems, my feelings etc. But most importantly, I try to focus on myself. I still have a lot of growing to do and I'm sure you do to. Keep thinking about YOU. Concentrate on YOU. Believe me, I know its hard to do in a situation like ours, but it is all we can do. Remember the mantras because they are absolutely true. MLC=confusion and Believe NONE of what he says and only 50% of what he does. That second one was hard for me to believe since I've spent all my adult life trusting him implicitly. But I have seen how true it is. Actions that even seem nice often have a secret agenda that is not PRO you. Best of luck and keep working with the detachment.

[punkin]

Ladies,

In a way, I do not envy you your position. As Alb pointed out absense eases the way to detachment, and detachment is sometimes the only thing that keeps you sane. What I can say to both of you is this, don't make it a competition, and that includes sleeping with your husbands. Then he is just cake eating, and is in an enviable position to a lot of the idiots around him. Getting it from both sides.

Set your boundary. Stick to it. He can't have it both ways.

[desperate1992]

TAMF and Albuquerque-I'm in the same situation as you. been with him since we were 17. I'm so heartbroken. There's no glimmer of hope for him coming back. He doesn't make decisions unless he's thought about all of the consequences and his pain staying in our relationship outweighs the coming pain. Loss of the family structure for the kids, my family who adores him, loss of the extended family, loss of us as best friends.

What's even more heartbreaking is that we both love each other. He said he will give me anything I want and he won't fight me for anything.

Let's keep in touch. we're all in pain.

[Albuquerque]

Very good advice Punkin. I would never consider sleeping with him even IF he showed interest. That's too far for me and I know he'd be doing it for the sex, NOT any profound change in his mentation. I agree the distance is sometimes good. The few times my H HAS gone NC (at most a week) he was with OW and during that week, I felt I could evaluate my sitch a bit better and feel the sadness I NEEDED to feel.
Desperate, I don't think I've read your sitch but see that it appears your a newcomer here? Do I have that right? When you're ready, it'll help to start your own thread, lay out your story and take it from there. I agree, TAMF, you, and I should stay in close contact since our situations are similar and strategies to deal with H may be a bit different than most.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

TAMF,

Your H sounds a lot like mine. My H is still fairly involved with D and continues to contact me a lot. When I first started on this forum, I tried to follow the "rules" and limit contact. But he continued to call me, text me, email me, IM me etc. And it wasn't necessarily important stuff, it was just stuff he found interesting and that he thought I might find interesting. He asks D and I out to eat often and often does those weird unexpected "nice" things that seem surreal. Yet, I can see him, in front of me, texting the OW. I know he's going to visit her (even though he hasn't admitted it and I haven't asked) and I see her posting all over his FB. Is H doing some cake eating? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Hell yeah. But it pisses me off in a detached sort of way. I'm mad not necessarily at him, but at the situation. I can see him texting OW (in what he thinks is a surruptitious way) and find it more sad for him than anything else. Because I can also see his confusion, depression and frustration with how his life has been the last 6 months.

I've debated whether I'm making the right approach with continuing constant contact and allowing the cake eating. The choice I made was for ME, not for him. I feel that I'm living up to my commitment for the M by being there for him when he feels he needs some human contact.

Wow. I'm sorry, I just totally disagree with that. If he were a drug addict, would you sit there quietly while he shot himself up with his drugs?

I get the whole "treat it as an addiction," whether it's MLC or infidelity, and I happen to AGREE with that approach. But it must be done with healthy BOUNDARIES, and I'm sorry, disrespecting you (and your kids) by texting OW right in front of your family is incredibly disrespectful. It's not healthy for YOU, and it's also not healthy for HIM to have no boundaries placed upon his behavior.

Puppy