New Beginning

[cat04]

PEI,

You almost had me. You really did.

Cat, I have to admit, that with the morning I was having, hell, the week I was having that this little nugget pissed me off from the get-go. Maybe Eric’s right and I took it the wrong way, but from where I sat this morning, this looked like you were implying I was trying to “fool” someone …

While I was not trying to piss you off, honestly, I think you are fooling yourself in some way. Honestly, if you don't think you are, then you don't. I am not the one who looks in your mirror.

If that's true then I wonder what do you use to justify your apprehension?

Fair question.

Honestly PEI, I do not trust women in general.

My H had several OW, who all tried to be or were my friends. Who acted like my friends, came to my home, hung out with me, gave my son gifts. I am not as much apprehensive as less willing to blindly trust until a time when it is earned. However, I do that with men as well. That is something that I am still working on. Because I do not want to feel that way forever.

Until that happened, I had many female friends. Again, as long as we have something in common, I am open to friendship with people, regardless of their gender. I tend not to be interested in most things that women my age are. The women that I do have as friends, are all older, of a different generation. A generation whose gender roles are much more defined.

Is that justification? I don't know. Justification to me, means that I am willing to live with the status quo, and that is not where I am headed. So in a nutshell, it isn't ok for me either.

Seems to me though, that you are projecting a bit …

Projecting, no. Sharing my own experience, Yes. PEI, you opened this door, these are your ponderings, not mine. I have already walked down that road. And more often than not, it wasn't too pretty.

And within a COMMITTED relationship, for your spouse to be "validated" by a group of men ?

So it’s been decided then, we are talking about validation? Oh, I thought we were talking about joking around and having some fun … this is the real debate.

The post that spurned this "debate" was your musings about validation.

And I have to accept the judgement that does come my way because of that.

No Cat, actually you don’t. You may have to accept that it will happen, but you don’t have to accept that it is ok or justified.

I never said it was right or justified. Simply reality. Reality, I accept.

I stated I liked the general style of guy relating (banter/fun/etc) and that was taken as what I base my preference for male friends on???

You stated you liked the style, and PEI, I have seen how you express that, almost always with sexual overtones. That is what it is based on. Exactly what you said.

Over and over you complain about gender bias. It may not be fair, it may not be right, but you know what, it is reality. It exists. I never said it is ok for the guys to act like many of them do, any more than I think it is ok for a woman to perpetuate it to fit into their world. Are you using your fighting of that to justify your behaviors?

Be honest, how does that banter, that one up manship really make you feel? Powerful, in control? Equal to men?

PEI, I could care less if you like me or not. While I have been lucky enough to form some good friendships from these boards, I am not here to make friends.

I am here because I have been down both roads and have been dealing with this crap on and off for, Holy Crap an anniversary has passed, 13 years. I have survived the first go round with H's crisis, after I did LRT, out of anger. I have pieced and have survived a second go round with his crisis. This time, I have taken a different path in every way possible. Including, but not limited to, what is preached on this board. This isn't a popularity contest for me. It is the better option.

I have experienced things, in and out of my M, that have brought people who post here to tears, anger, and in one instance, complete silence and shock. It is from that experience that I can look at a what people write and more often than not, say exactly what they need to hear. Even if they don't want to. While I often wish I haven't had all of the crazy people in my life that have been there and I have asked God why He has chosen to put me through all of the stuff that I have been through, witnessed, and lived, I also know that there was and is a reason for it. So someone else doesn't have to walk the path that I have walked with quite as much difficulty as I have had. It is the only way I know how to post. How to reach people.

And just so you know, the wax thing, was an example of some of the conversations that I have been involved in on the boards with other women. Prude, absolutly not. Offended, personally, no. You knew when you posted it that it was TMI. If the example of a conversation I was in, stung for you...