Trying to Catch up (Get comfy this may take awhile)...
@MP--I'm hoping for the peace that comes with time. I'm trying to be patient, but AJM will tell ya I have my moments with that.
@Pookie--Maybe rationalize isn't the best word...I guess I feel I need a more concrete reason than just 'we have issues.'
@Puppy--H has been trying to rush me with alot. He wants answers as to what I specifically need (I'm trying to figure this out), when I'm leaving (I keep saying I don't want to but he doesn't believe me), and he wants instant/daily visible change.
@Kalni--I really have been trying to detach. I think I've done it better than H likes but I think the problem was he didn't understand why. You are absolutely right about making solid decisions...I'm no where near ready for that yet.
@Dan--I get that I may have been the catalyst for H recognizing he needs to look at himself, but he has to decide what he wants to change on his own. Otherwise, is he really himself or something I told him to be. Not to mention, I would think that if you do something for someone else you are less likely to stick with it. We are all selfish, no matter what we might think, so he needs to do it for himSELF.
@Goodman--I'm so happy that something is coming from my pain. I can only speak of my walls; they came from years of hurtful events. I would open myself to him and when I would get hurt a "brick" was put up. Now it really is about trust and forgiveness for me but I have to get there and that will take time.
It's funny that you mention a trip. I've been hoping for a him to go on a business trip for awhile. I have a solo weekend planned for October but right now I don't know if I can sneak off. I'm just trying to make the most of my hrs I have when everyone is at school/work.
I know I haven't answered what drew me to H and I will do that soon. I honestly am working on the list myself. I'm a little behind on my 'homework' right now.
And now for the man with the 2x4's AJM!
First, let me say I know about the depression. It is not situational it is clinical. I am on meds and have been for many years now. It is one of the many issues. Honestly, dealing with my depression is what started me to this place I'm at today.
Normally, I am optimistic but like I said yesterday when I was posting I was spiraling and when I spiral I can't see anything positive.
Now your points... *My IC says that I have so much anger, pain, and resentment with very little trust in H and those are the things she believes will keep us from working. She says he has to overcome but I do realize this are my problems to deal with. My feelings are aimed at him but I have control. (I told you I get it).
*H's language is absolutely touch. I've tried to give him some of what he needs but he constantly is coming for kissing/sex. I'm just not there. I am willing to give a little and hopefully I'll be able to give enough.
*Believe it or not, I don't WANT to leave. I do want to work on this at home. I just feel like I'm fighting to many battles right now to get anything accomplished at home.
*The issue from 7 yrs ago is where the trust died. He was away on a trip and when he came home I noticed a unknown phone number on his hotel bill. At first, I just asked...but he lied and I caught it. Before I confronted him about his lie I called the number and it was a girl. I spent the next 4 days wading through lie after lie as he tried to cover up the situation. I finally accepted what I thought was the truth and tried to move on. I only found out recently, on D-day, that he was still lying and yet something else came out...6+ yrs later. So I don't know if it was actually PA but because of the lies I will never know for sure.
With that I have to go. I'll catch you guys later. Thank you so much for everything. You kept me from plummeting last night.
Smooches, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
