As I have read the WAS builds up in their head all of the negatives with you (Litany)and the R. While the LBS builds up all of the positives of the WAS and the R.
And you bet! All I know is time and patience so the reconciliation steps have been taken into practice.
You take for granted what you have until you have lost it.
You are also learning that you were getting all worked up over things not within your control and letting it affect your family life.
Boundaries? Is it alright to cheat? Integrity?
I don't know what all you are learning. But it's more than just the old "you don't know what you had until it's gone", I expect.
Your M was not healthy. That's why your wife left: to try to save herself, to enforce some real boundaries. You were angry, you cheated, so you weren't happy either, right?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/03/1002:12 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
As I have read the WAS builds up in their head all of the negatives with you (Litany)and the R. While the LBS builds up all of the positives of the WAS and the R
WAS cannot build something out of nothing. The book does say that the "fog" prevents WAS to see anything else besides the negatives, but the negatives clearly have to be there in the first place.
My W is a lot younger than me. I was told by friends and family that when she graduates from nursing school that she would leave me. She was spending 110% of her time with school and I was traveling about 65% for work so we had our seperate lives. No M issues just at different areas of the R.
I met OW while traveling to St. Pete, Russia in Feb 08 she was my translator then I saw her again in June of 08. We became freinds and eventually turned into an intense EA. I thought I was falling in love with OW and I told my W LYBNILWY and was close to being a WAS. She concoted a few schemes to get me jealous, which worked (men a primative) and it snapped me out of my fog.
The problem was that I never apologized to my W and she internalized her hurt. And to compound the issue I use to bring up the OW name as a joke stating "I guess I have to go back to plan B if you leave me." It was guilt, paranoid control, STUPID, low self-esteem....any negative names you can name it. But I did not realize that I was hurting my W each time that I said it.
So the mind of a cheater...for me I was missing our closeness ( her school and my travel) and low self-esteem (confidence) a challenge to see if I could attract someone else. At the time I was severly overweight (285, 44 inch waist). Now I am 205 with a 34 inch waist...I would like for my W to see me now (180).
I'll echo what John said and something I've only REALLY gotten around to myself. What you and I did was egregiously wrong. Our WAS did NOT deserve it, and we are fully responsible for failing to control ourselves and breaking a boundary we should never have broken.
However, in terms of the state of our current relationships, not EVERYTHING is our fault. There are ways that our WAS may have contributed to the deterioration of the R (with us) before, during and after our affairs. If you haven't yet read infidelity books, I suggest you read some because understanding these aspects will be important to affairproof your future relationships (with W or someone else).
When you apologize to your spouse in future, I suggest you take FULL ownership for your affair behavior at the same time that you take FULL responsibility for your PART in the deterioration of your marriage. My understanding is that the WAS understanding that they played a PART in the deterioration of the marriage (NOT the affair per se) is a key aspect towards possible reconciliation and piecing.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
At the time of the A my wife was in an Accelerated nursing program and spending 110% of her time with her studies. I was traveling 65% of the time on business. We sort of had our seperate lives, but no M problems. My W is quite a bit younger than me and my friends would say that she would leave me when she graduated....not knowing us as a couple or our R, but by the fact of the age difference. This did start to affect me so I started looking and met someone on my business trips and had an EA.
I agree that the last year maybe a year an a half it was not healthy and I know that is why she left. But as Coach said and I have read on many posts that this is a gift. What I am reading is that I have to take of myself and love myself before I can freely love others. I had low self-esteem, which is the root cause of many of my behaviors (jealousy, control, the need to seek affection from the OW). So I am working both physically (joined a gym), mentally by working with an IC and GAL.
