Where do I draw the line? Or are you asking where does anyone draw the line?
Well, you are not the only poster or participant in the conversation so anybody who cares to answer is welcome.
It depends of course, as you should very well know. And I am certainly not going to make prescriptions for everyone. My statement was in the context of how much one should allow one's children to discuss the other parent, but I guess it does apply to many other subjects as well.
I should very well know? Why is that? I don't have children. I was a child of a parent, a father, who was very selective on what he would talk to his children about so this particular post was very interesting to me. Talking to somebody who waves you off when the conversation is not all sweetness and light gets old. Fast. The incident I was referring to did not go on for hours but was (IIRC the exact scenario) a brief conversation that was halted by the dad.
I understand the intent to not cause harm to our children, presumably by trying to avoid conversations better left undiscussed. One should not trample over your kids' feelings, but at the same time let's not err on the opposite extreme either, letting your children trample over your own boundaries. Allowing your children to walk all over you does them no good at all; it's negligent even.
I guess we all view communication a different way. IMO a child communicating with a parent about a subject (the other parent) should never be off limits. The child is still learning how to deal with the very, very raw reality of divorce. My father would communicate nothing about the divorce to us and eventually we stopped trying.
I see lots of kids walking all over their parents during a divorce but rarely do I see it in the form of communication... the wailing for "family hugs" and the dramatics over what amounts to be nothing (forgetting an item, a broken toy or whatever the drama du jour is) amazes me each day. That is what I view as negligent... the parents that allow their kids to act out their frustration in an inappropriate way to give them "leeway" to adjust. I don't view talking as negligent. Not communicating with your children is negligent in my opinion.
I'm uncertain of your motives in positing the question, CG. Surely, you have drawn your own lines, right?
I didn't have any motives other than I was curious and wanted to know. I do not have my own line because I don't have children. Surely, you can realize that a 5 and 9 year old boy are in much different stages of development and emotional sophistication than an 11 year old girl. And given what you shared about your son (which I can relate to in a way as my H's cousin is autistic and I was very close to her, or as close as she would allow me to be, for 11 years) I am not sure the situations are comparable. Your son, due to the nature of his condition, processes things in a different way. Watching my H's aunt have to set very firm boundaries with her little girl certainly did not reflect how other parents had to set boundaries for non autistic children.
I can imagine it is terribly difficult to listen to your son talk about his mom and her boyfriend but is it really irrelevant to your life and household since YOUR SON is part of your life and household. He may have questions or concerns or be very confused one day and when he was shut down from talking about irrelevant things how do you know he will feel it's safe to talk about important things? I get we all have our limits.
It is a line we each need to decide for ourselves. If we do not establish proper healthy boundaries with our own children, then how can they learn these principles for their own lives without our model?
I guess the question to ask then is if indeed the boundaries you (general you, not you per say) are "healthy" or not.
... Sheesh, there I go again. Lecture over!
A lecture indeed. Sometimes conversations are far more productive and interesting than a lecture
