Where does the WAW go

[AJM]

Doodi. I think I see some patterns here. I can feel the confusion. I can feel the hurt. I can feel the frustration. I can feel the...depression. I'm no doctor, but I highly suggest you consider talking to one about depression. You are headed there now whether situational or due to other circumstances. But do it now before you spiral and sink. It's not a fun place.

One of the things that comes to mind is that you need to change how you look at things. It was suggested in one response when somebody mentioned Coach's suggestion about learned optimism. When you focus on positive things, suddenly other things don't look so bleak. I've been prodding you to do that so far and you have been resisting.

Why to people tell you your marriage is over? Because they see you in pain, Doodi. They want to "fix" it. Be aware of that.

I saw some other things that came to mind:

She believes that I have way too many issues for him to overcome.

Interesting. Why do you have issues that he needs to overcome, exactly? That's backwards to me.

Why does everyone else in the world think my M is hopeless. I just feel like it's shattered into a 1000 pieces and I just need time/patience/persistence to get it back together. The problem is right now, I don't even have all the pieces. I'm searching and I feel like because I brought this all up everyone expects me to have the answers. Noone will let me just say, I DON'T KNOW! I just know I can't keep going like this.

Good. You should feel that way, rigtht. If it was intact and perfect, how would you reconstruct it into a better one? Sheesh. Every kid knows you have to dismantle the legos before you can put them back. And they always end up missing things. That's ok, Doodi. You'll make new ones. If your marriage was hopeless and over, you wouldn't be here. Rest assured it is not over. It's a long way from over so far based on what you posted. This is a marathon, Doodi, not a sprint. Time limits are not going to work here.

I get you on the intimacy but how do I get him to understand? He thinks because I'm not ready to kiss, cuddle or anything else that I'm not trying. That I don't want us to work.

Has it occurred to you that his love language is touch? Don't confuse intimacy with touching though. That is different. Touching is the result of intimacy. It should happen in that order.

I need to work out my issues that I have with him

Hmm... Not sure what to say to that, except...YES! But that's not all that this is about now is it? Just sayin'

I just know I'm farging damaged and I need repairs but it's going to take time...a long time. I just am starting to believe that I can't make those repairs if I stay in this house.

Hmm.. Really? Why? Why would it help if your kids stayed with him and you "took time off" ? I can tell you that would be more damaging than anything and my fear in that is that you would be "fixed" and come home to...nothing. I suggest you find a way to fix you - not him - while at home.

Can you feel the chaos that is my brain? Can you feel the desperation to do what's right but having no clue what that is? Can you feel the concern I have for this poor man that I have destroyed?

Yep. On all counts. But I feel like you are sliding deep into depression. I can't put my finger on it and I'm no doctor, but I sense that you are headed there. Could be situational. Could be something else. But worth talking about with your doctor. It happens and people live with it.

I was trying to do everything right. Why do I always mess things up.

See above.

I've had a handle on my depression for awhile now, but today I feel myself spiraling. I am clinging to my sanity right now for my kids. I know as soon as I put them to bed I will lose it. The question is will I be able to figure this out.

See above again. Please.

I don't know. The memories are all so tainted right now I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a good R. Ours has never really been healthy and things went downhill even further abut 7 yrs ago. Now I'm just too damaged to hold out hope.

Really? What happened exactly? Why are the memories "tainted"? I suspect you are protecting your inner self and re-remembering but I could just be projecting. People do that. Both things really

I feel like I don't have time to do any of that. My H wants answers/changes now.

Um. Duh. Of course he does. How can he understand?? You don't even understand....PATIENCE Doodi. Stop analyzing him. Stop looking at him for answers. Stop wasting your time doing that.

but I'm concerned because the only reason he is doing anything is for me.

Again...duh! He loves you and sees you in pain. That's what husbands do when they see that. Again...duh!

He says I'm trying to change him. I need him to do this for himself otherwise he's doing it for the wrong reason

Doodi. You are trying to change him, remember? This is an issue you don't need, is it not? He's right on that one. And you have no right to change him, Doodi. Stop doing that. Stop looking elsewhere for the answers.


I think you should really understand forgiveness, Doodi. You will at some point in your life, and I suggest that if you do so now, things will be easier instead of doing it later. It may be you that you ultimately end up forgiving, but it could be others.

These are my thoughts based on what you wrote. I hope they help, Doodi. I think you are asking the right questions, but still wrapped around the axle. Stop. Take a breath. Isolate your issues, prioritize them, and tackle them one at a time. Don't follow the tangents.

And please, see a doctor. I'm concerned that you are going to have way more trouble figuring things out if you have depression (which can be situational and caused by stress. Had any stress lately?

Peace to you and yours.