The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thank you Soleil. You are once again correct. I do realize that these issues are of her making. I recognize the helplessness I felt and the growth I've had. I do always look for the silver lining. There will be one for me.

I know I can fully realize that silver lining when I give myself the final permission to let go. I also know that's when I'll stop looking for a reason and fully accept what I already know.

It would help to accept this if I thought like she did. But that would also be insanity to me. And I would not be willing to live with myself if I did think like her. For that, I pay the price of having to do this the slow hard way. It'll take more time I'm sure. Less than I think, but more than I want I suspect. I can already feel the door closing the rest of the way. I've never been one to regret my decisions. To do that, I have to be sure what I'm doing is something I can live with.

Know what? I can live with my decision to let go. I know in my heart I can do that now. And each day I more fully feel it in the rest of me. I will be free or die. That is who I am.

To do that, I have to feel the remainder of the anger and disgust. And then let it go. I thought it was all gone, but there's more. As I let it go, I feel a great weight lifted. But there is still a sliver of it left. I think that part will take the longest (kind of like the 80/20 concept, right?)

In the end, if she wants out, I cannot stop her. I didn't even try in the beginning to stop her. I'm still not trying to stop her, but I will not be told to divorce her by her. I will not be controlled. I will divorce her, but not because she said to do it. Because it is the right thing for me. I will not talk poorly of her. I will not hate her or be bitter. That would not be freedom to me.

Almost there. One more brick....

Thanks Soleil. I know there are great people out there I have yet to meet. Giving myself permission to do so and to pursue relationships is part of this. Nothing to do with her any longer. Just me. I can live with that.

Peace