wonderful marriage hits midlife crisis

[Albuquerque]

TAMF,

Your H sounds a lot like mine. My H is still fairly involved with D and continues to contact me a lot. When I first started on this forum, I tried to follow the "rules" and limit contact. But he continued to call me, text me, email me, IM me etc. And it wasn't necessarily important stuff, it was just stuff he found interesting and that he thought I might find interesting. He asks D and I out to eat often and often does those weird unexpected "nice" things that seem surreal. Yet, I can see him, in front of me, texting the OW. I know he's going to visit her (even though he hasn't admitted it and I haven't asked) and I see her posting all over his FB. Is H doing some cake eating? Absolutely. Does it piss me off? Hell yeah. But it pisses me off in a detached sort of way. I'm mad not necessarily at him, but at the situation. I can see him texting OW (in what he thinks is a surruptitious way) and find it more sad for him than anything else. Because I can also see his confusion, depression and frustration with how his life has been the last 6 months.

I've debated whether I'm making the right approach with continuing constant contact and allowing the cake eating. The choice I made was for ME, not for him. I feel that I'm living up to my commitment for the M by being there for him when he feels he needs some human contact. I do NOT initiate contact unless its about D. But when he contacts me, which is often, I am always friendly and compassionate, but stick to his topics and never really discuss me (because I know in his frame of mind he doesn't care to know and probably wouldn't remember anyway)

The general rule of thumb for MLCers is to back off with communication and for the most part I agree, but you have to remember its intended to help YOU detach. You need to be able to not let his actions affect your feelings. That is SO important if you think will continue to have constant contact with H. I think a few (not many) H need that continued contact. Just remember, from the face of it, it may often seem and feel like the old relationship is back (at least that's how it is with me). But reality has a way of smacking you in the face from time to time. You have to be ready and able to withstand those smacks if you continue regular contact. For example, having a great friendly conversation with H only for him to casually mention going forward with separation. Remember, MLC=confusion. So don't read ANYTHING into his actions. He is obviously thinking about you but that is coupled with a wealth of confusion, hurt, depression etc and you may not necessarily see that part. But you are right, he's probably thinking about OW as well and that R needs to die before he can move on with his journey.