You are a strong lady. Don't forget that. I think a lot of people don't realize how strong they can be. If you keep it in mind, it will do wondersfor your confidence levels.
BTW, strength doesn't mean things aren't hard. It just means you are willing to face it and do the right thing.
Keep it up. You CAN do this.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Hi - new here. My story is pretty similar to the ones already out there, so here's the short version.
Married 17 years, 3 boys (10, 8, 5). In April, H started acting weird and distant, suspected A, confirmed in June (OW works in his office). We are now separated - he is staying with "friends". He sees the boys a couple times a week. I have been doing nothing but research on A's and MLC. He follows the scripts of both. When I thought I was just dealing with an A, I believed there was hope, once he got out of the affair fog. OW is also married with 3 children. Now I believe he is also deep in MLC and I'm not sure what to do with that. Since we are separated, I have no idea what (or who) he is doing. Our only conversations are about the kids. He tells me he hasn't been happy for years, but I find that hard to believe. So do our mutual friends - people we've known for years. He has alienated his family. After reading a lot of your posts, I know that I basically have to detach from him. I am getting a life - exercising, going out with friends, enjoying my children. But the nights are rough. I hate going to bed alone. It's so hard to believe that this man who I've loved for so long has turned into someone I don't even know. I struggle and cry everyday. My heart breaks for my children, who didn't deserve this. I still want our marriage. I still love him. Please... any advice would be most appreciated.
Here is my take on this situation, as un-popular as it may be:
I don't believe in the MLC stuff. I think it's label people use to describe someone who is having an affair and happens to be middle aged.
Someone (I don't remember who in this forum), tried to apply that MLC label to a spouse in their 20's..... ? Mid life crisis in your 20's? Mid life crisis in your 30's? Mid life crisis in your 40's? Mid life crisis in your 50's/60's?
Is the term "mid life" that ambiguous?
Call it what it really is.... an affair brought on by loss of attraction for their existing partner and a new found attraction for a new partner. He is not out of his "affair fog", even if he isn't with someone, apparently the thought of remaining married to someone he isn't attracted to is so depressing to him that everything in his life suffers, he won't pay attention to his family or his responsibilities. The thought of his current existence with you is affecting him this much. You can ask questions like "what about love, for better/for worse, til death do us part, etc." but those are just words and we know how much they're worth.
That's it.
If you want to call it falling in love with someone else, fine but at the base root of all of this, we have attraction. Doing things which trigger attraction and doing things which kill attraction. Attraction drives our species and pretty much every other species on the planet that involves a male and a female.
It's biological, it's hardwired into us, it's science, some of us can choose to ignore it, resist temptation while the thought and associated feelings burn in our brains continuously while others can't ignore it.
If your husband really wants to leave you and hook up with his honey on the side, I would tell him good riddance. Why would you want someone who doesn't want you, you are only hurting yourself more & more and you will feel even more hurt & pain once you've tried the 1001 things you think should bring him back. But in the end you will find out that the guy really just wanted to have lots of sex with other women, women different from you and that's all this is about, women different from you.
You really want him back? You won't get it with phone calls, txts, email, heart felt letters, gifts, dinners, etc.
Any of the regular readers are going to tell you what I would say next, you won't want to do it, you will claim that you stand on higher moral ground, you won't go against your marriage, you won't stoop to his level, etc. etc. etc.
And since you won't do it, you will linger here on these forums for months/years asking for advice on what to do, how to get him back, etc.
Call it what it really is.... an affair brought on by loss of attraction for their existing partner and a new found attraction for a new partner. He is not out of his "affair fog", even if he isn't with someone, apparently the thought of remaining married to someone he isn't attracted to is so depressing to him that everything in his life suffers, he won't pay attention to his family or his responsibilities. The thought of his current existence with you is affecting him this much. You can ask questions like "what about love, for better/for worse, til death do us part, etc." but those are just words and we know how much they're worth.
100% true. Will be applying this to my own life/sitch.
That's it.
Originally Posted By: robx
Any of the regular readers are going to tell you what I would say next, you won't want to do it
Ah yes...
Going DARK. Setting him free...
Originally Posted By: robx
And since you won't do it, you will linger here on these forums for months/years asking for advice on what to do, how to get him back, etc.
The call was brief as I was scared to death. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your W, *****, is having an affair at work with a married man named ********." Silence. "I have known for awhile and felt you deserved to know the truth". Sigh. "I'm sorry - I know it sucks". Click.
Robx - I appreciate your point of view. Right now I'm trying to get my emotions in check so I can detach and move forward. I have to do that for my own sanity. I'm not even sure I want him back. I see that he is in a different place than I am and we now want different things. I'm kidding myself to think that this will end in anything but divorce. I just wanted my kids to grow up with their parents married, happy and in the same house.
