That Puppy is a smart guy! He nailed it(4 kids and all except his girls are the oldest and with me they are the youngest.) No regrets is a big deal to me. Maybe you too?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Kalni, what steps did you take that you feel helped to lead to a R?
I wish it was easy to explain. My loyal friends here could probably tell you more about what happened with us because I am not sure I can be specific now.
I fell apart, I picked myself up, I was very hopeful the first few months while he was crazy in love with her(he never admitted to me and I was naive enough to downplay the possibility of an A in my head), I felt stronger, lived better, started sepating my life from him, my dad got cancer and that affected me, I decided I wanted a divorce, pushed for it, he stalled, objected and then I fell in love. The minute I REALLY let go of him, he moved towards me and in a month he said he wanted back.
Timing helped. His affair had lost its appeal just as the book say, after the first 6 months they weere free to be with each other and she started pressuring him...
I guess I was lucky? Time will tell. This is aint over yet.
I received a newsletter from M Weiner Davies. It said :overcoming infidelity isnt for sissys (or sissies)...
And in it, it read "infidelity may eventually be forgiven but never forgotten, the dreams are gone" or even worse than that. The minute I read it, my heart sunk. It also said part of why she is sending this is to make people aware so to avoid indiscretions... Well, my H should have read it years ago, the damage is done.
I also read somewhere that my hurt should dealt by me. Not him. Fine. But some times I cant take it. It cant be undone, I cant forget. This is by far the toughest thing I had to do my whole life. I think I may be a sissy.
PS Things are fine btw. I cant make my mind stop. That's the problem.
I don't think you will forget. You aren't supposed to. It should help you not take him for granted. To maybe think before the barb slips off your tongue, to appreciate each moment together...the good and the bad because you are together. You can't do this for him, only yourself. I give you a lot of credit. You are doing a great job.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Maria.....glad to read that things are fine. By the way I always knew that your mind was the problem!! :-)
Part of the difficulty in dealing with infidelity (for me anyways) was not really the act itself. It was more the lies and deceit during those days. I have forgiven, forgotten and pretty much buried it. WAS will have to live with it and they can put the spin on it that they want but they effed up.
Now in your case Maria (and for the benefit of anyone reading this very popular thread) the problem probably lies in the duration of the so called relationship and your ability to obtain "ALL" the details. I beleive part of the DB mantra is not to dig too much for info. Once you have the info. you need, decide what actions to take period. I know easier said than done. However, maybe the mind would not be having so much difficulty if it had not been exposed to so much information. Too late I know. It happened to me as well....too many details does not help.
The pain will fade and so will the memories, although you will never forget and will probably be reminded of them at the strangest times. Just like anything in our lives, we remember it clearly for a long time, but over time it fades. This will too, but it will take time, and the bad thing is that for some reason human brains are wired to remember traumatic events more so it will take even longer for this to fade, but it will.
Just don't distance from H when you get these thoughts. You may not want to tell him everything, but let him know that you are having a rough day. Communicate.
Glad things are going well with H.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
This might help with the runaway thoughts. Google Martin Seligman and "Learned Optimism." It works to refocus your thinking.
Quote:
THE ABCDE TECHNIQUE Adapted from Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. Martin Seligman is a clinical psychologist who studied a phenomenon called "learned helplessness" in order to better understand depression. He writes about how a person's way of explaining things to themselves and by extension their beliefs greatly affect their moods and their ability to function. People who tend towards depression and to feelings of self-diminishment often speak to themselves and explain things to themselves in self-depreciating, harshly critical ways, ways in which they would never talk to someone else. He advocates the following approach in order to adapt a new attitude and become constructive. Many people find this technique most effective when they write their way through the different steps. Reading the example below will help make the steps clearer.
Adversity = Write down what the challenge is. Write down what happened, what you are up against, how you are feeling.
Underlying Belief = Write down your underlying fear is. What are the assumptions which underlie your worry, what are you really afraid of? What is your belief of what will happen if you can't meet the challenge?
Consequences = State the effects on your feelings and behavior of holding these beliefs and fears. What are the consequent feelings and behaviors that result from the underlying beliefs?
Disputation = Dispute the underlying beliefs and self accusations. Pretend you are a lawyer for the defendant (yourself) and eloquently argue the other side, argue in defense of yourself. Argue against the negative underlying beliefs. Find other ways and beliefs by which to evaluate and understand your behavior or the situation. For example, if you are explaining your failure to complete the chapter, by accusing yourself of being lazy, try to explain it differently - "this is the toughest chapter I've had to write." Think of these adversities and challenges as opportunities for learning. Think of various ways you can find out more or approach the problem differently. Keep in mind that there is always a solution (Buddha said to look for the third way). In your mind, search for resources you could use to get more information or perspective, like books or people. Make a plan for how to handle the situation (which could include doing nothing, but not worrying or being self-critical).
Energization = Register how you are feeling now. Do you feel any better? Hopefully, you do. If not, write down what you are thinking now; this is the new adversity to address.
An example: Adversity = I said that I would turn in my results chapter to my sponsor this week and I haven't. I'm not finished.
Underlying Belief = My sponsor will think I'm not a good student. (My sponsor won't want to work with me anymore. This will take away her respect for me.)
Consequences = Low self esteem, anxiety, pressure
Disputation = Okay, I can't go any faster. I'm confronting problems the best I can. This chapter had certain problems, which I think that I cured but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's going to get done. I've finished 3/4 of it now. My sponsor is very busy. She probably hasn't even noticed that I'm late turning it in. If I want, I can leave her a note about it or I can just turn it in next week. I'll check with my friend, her teaching assistant, to see whether she thinks it's okay just to hand it in next week. Maybe I should hand in what I've done and get her feedback on that part? That's an interesting idea. That way she'll also see the problem I'm having now and if she has any ideas about what to do, she can tell me. I'll ask my friend about that. I'm not a good student? She's seen my other chapters and thought they were okay. Why would she think I'm not good now? She was willing to sponsor me in the first place. The promise to hand in the chapter this week? That was the right thing to do. That's how I keep myself going, with deadlines, concrete goals, and commitments. Also time keeps passing and I want to get this done and gone on with other things. Look, it's not going to be perfect when I hand it in. I've met that underlying belief before, having to have what I write and do be perfect. She'll dump me? Come on, Lois, for handing in the draft of a chapter a few days late or a week late? Does that make sense, given that she's felt okay about my work so far? Ease up. It's okay.
Energization = I feel better.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
