Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

@Pinhead

I get what your saying but I have to admit (and I have) that I'm more out than in my M right now. In addition, I have wondered myself if I kept saying I wanted to work on M because I was SCARED of the real world. Basically, has what I been telling H been heartfelt and thought out. I swear I'm so confused. I feel like I just want the world to stop spinning so I can get off.

@MakingProgress

I feel like I have H on a yo-yo and if I say anything else right now it is just going to hurt him over again. I can't figure out how to work on me and the M at the same time.

My M issues...

*Trust-financially, emotionally, basically completely
*intimacy-I never want it...he always does
*Fear of him (links to trust issues)
*Communication
*NO common likes
*H is overly dependent on me--no real outside friends, no hobbies, nada

My personal issues

*Co-dependency
*Control issues
*Insecurities/self esteem
*Fear
*Lost myself

So many of my issues work against our M issues. I want to work on me but while I am he's wanting to cuddle and act like everything is ok. That's how he feels we are working on us. He was nice for one day and thinks it's ok to caress me and cuddle. I feel like we're just faking it--scratch that I know I'm just tolerating it. Does faking it work? Should I cuddle, hold hands, go on dates, etc. when I'm not really feeling it? If I do, doesn't that count as leading him on. We can't find anything to talk about except R and that always leads to crying and/or yelling.

I can't seem to get guidance on how to WORK on the marriage. I just don't know where to start or if I'm even going about things the right way. The only thing I can say that I've done right is I've been completely honest. Everything else is totally F'ed.

So now I'm sitting here. Scared to say anything because everything I say is messing things up. Why does everyone else in the world think my M is hopeless. I just feel like it's shattered into a 1000 pieces and I just need time/patience/persistence to get it back together. The problem is right now, I don't even have all the pieces. I'm searching and I feel like because I brought this all up everyone expects me to have the answers. Noone will let me just say, I DON'T KNOW! I just know I can't keep going like this.

Ok, I'm losing it and my kids are here. Please help. Tell me anything, just give me a place to start.

[john28]

Doodi, it does sound like you're confused, and that is a good thing. That means you're not rushing to any conclusions like a lot of WAS do.

I would suggest pro-marriage MC. A great resource is: http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/

You can find one in your area.

Your problem is the same problem that my W and I had before she moved out. Your problems are there, you think you might know how to fix them, but you lack direction on how to get them fixed. In addition, you feel hopeless that they can be fixed.

A really good MC can provide direction and guidance to slowly move from one problem to the next. It sound like you both are just talking about EVERY problem without any direction or focus.

Laser focus, dear.

For example - the intimacy issue. It takes focus to work on that, but you can't work on that until other things are fixed first. You probably know that, but you're probably not working ONLY on the foundation before trying to build the bridge. It doesn't work like that. After the foundation of your M and R is rebuilt (if it can be) you can work on these intimacy issues. It is not uncommon to have a high-drive(HD) partner and a low-drive(LD) partner in a relationship. Most are like that. But if you start feeling close to your H again emotionally, you'd be willing to "gift" him intimacy and show him love in that way. I gather that is one way he feels love. You can't give him that until you start meeting your needs as well, and you have to build trust and a foundation first.

[Doodi]

John,

I get you on the intimacy but how do I get him to understand? He thinks because I'm not ready to kiss, cuddle or anything else that I'm not trying. That I don't want us to work.

Can I say for the very first time I want to run? I know I've been called the WAW and I even labeled myself that but I never really wanted to be gone until right now.

I just don't know what to do, what to say, and everything I do is making it a bigger mess. I just need to be able to think. I need to focus on me. I need to work out my issues that I have with him. I'm not asking him to change, hoping yes but not asking. I just know I'm farging damaged and I need repairs but it's going to take time...a long time. I just am starting to believe that I can't make those repairs if I stay in this house.

And that is why I haven't said anything against the IC yet? He's gone with a friend, miserable and done, but I didn't stop him. I didn't know what to say that wasn't another blade in his back. I don't know what to do but everyone is looking to me for the answers. Talk about blind leading the blind. I'm not only blind, but blind, dumb and deaf.

It's like our marriage is toxic. I've almost pulled myself out but does that mean I leave him behind. Does helping him mean I'm going to fall back into that toxic mess. And to make it even more confusing, I have people telling me to let him sink because he created it.

Can you feel the chaos that is my brain? Can you feel the desperation to do what's right but having no clue what that is? Can you feel the concern I have for this poor man that I have destroyed?

I don't think anyone really gets how confused I am. I can't seem to get the words right. Everything I say is wrong. The IC takes it one way, H takes it another, I just can't get anything right

[Doodi]

Maybe I should just go?

I don't want another man. I don't want anything except peace for me and my kids. He's better with them but I don't trust that he will be better with me. I don't know if I ever will trust him. The damage to me is just too farging deep. How do I overcome it? Will I ever, or am I just hopeless.

[MakingProgress]

Doodi

We all get the intimacy thing because we took the time to do the reading, etc. Get him some books, or better yet, get him on the phone with a DB coach who can explain to him what's going on. He needs to understand where you are and how he can help. He also needs to understand that it will take time. If he reaches this understanding, it will be much easier for him.

[soleil]

I can feel the chaos in your brain.

When trust is broken it is so hard to repair, Doodi. Some people can get past and it others can't.

If your IC isn't working for you, FIND ANOTHER ONE.

You are not hopeless. No one is. Know that.

[Doodi]

I'm overseas so I can't get my hands on things quite as easily as some. That's why I look to the internet so much.

He says he gets the time thing. He will do a 180 for a day (not that he knows that's what he's doing, but I do) and then think ok now she should want to kiss/hug. I just don't. I need more time.

As for IC, I have an appt scheduled for next week but I wonder if I've already f'ed up my life.

I don't want to jerk my H around but that is exactly what I'm doing. I don't even know if I should say anything because it's just not right.

I did text him and say that I only made it through what IC said before he got upset. I told him I didn't know what I wanted/needed. I only knew I need to work on me before I could do us. But is that leading him on again. Maybe I shouldn't have done it.

Maybe I should just let the cards fall, leave and be done. My H and IC believe that because I'm still have an 'escape plan' it means I have no hope. I don't see it that way but everyone has me questioning my own wants, wishes and desires. I need to feel like I have a net if this doesn't work. I am to scared to take the leap of faith with a man that has dropped me so many times before. Is that wrong? It isn't like I can just leave, no matter what it is going to take me months to get out so why can't I have everything ready. It doesn't mean I'm not working on it...it just means I have to CYA (for me and my kids)

Sorry if I'm not answering anyone specifically. I just have to dump my brain,it hurts.

[Doodi]

I was trying to do everything right. Why do I always mess things up.

[MakingProgress]

My H and IC believe that because I'm still have an 'escape plan' it means I have no hope.

If that's what you IC thinks, he/she has no understanding. The escape plan functions as a stress reliever. When facing the problems in the relationship, considering the alternatives relieves the stress.

[Doodi]

My H and IC believe that because I'm still have an 'escape plan' it means I have no hope.

If that's what you IC thinks, he/she has no understanding. The escape plan functions as a stress reliever. When facing the problems in the relationship, considering the alternatives relieves the stress.

I swear without you guys I wouldn't be able to explain myself. I can never find the words on my own but that is exactly what I feel about my 'plan'. It doesn't mean I'm done, it just means I'm scared.