WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

Let him be 7. If YOU are an adult, he won't stay there--you have had a 7-year-old because the two of you have both been at the same level.

i dunno. at this point in time, the alien in him shows he's not capable of being an adult.

Just keep in the front of your mind. What do adults do? They state clear boundaries, they have clear goals, they don't dwell on the past.

gotta remember these three key things. these are important.

Adults validate. Because they see the value in it. Get him to talk about what is making him upset/angry--Oh! Don't ask why questions. Say, H--help me to understand how you feel about XYZ? "Why" puts people on the defensive.

i'm really bad at this because i always ask 'why' questions. why do you feel this way? can you explain to me why you believe that? why don't you put yourself in my shoes and see it from my point of view? why are you behaving like a child?

Also keep in front of your mind who you want to be. You are wanting to be helpful. You are proud of that in yourself. Does it matter if the person appreciates your efforts? To an adult, not really. It is more important to stay true to you than anything else.

right. this is where it might help to see that i can "win" without being blatant. y'know what i mean? i can make him think he 'won'.

Talking about the R in a reflective way is not pursuing. If you got together with an old boyfriend, you would talk this way--doesn't mean you want anything from it--you just talk about how you did things you wish you hadn't, etc.

i need an exercise on this. this is tough for me because this is like thinking vs. believing. when you believe, it comes out naturally. when you don't, then it's written all over your face.

same with the talking about r. when i talk about the r, it will come across as pursuing. and that's why i know i'm not ready for this talk. i know that if i talk about the r, i want something out of it. i want a reaction or a hint of possible reconciliation, or friendship.

this is where i need some 'exercise' in order to move me forward.