I believe that this "could" be the seed that wakes her up.
Nothing is going to be quick. She will not wake up in one instant and do a 180 from where she is. Like Mach said this could be the start of where she hits bottom and starts back up, or it could push her deeper into the hole.
If you have read the resources on MLC and you believe your W is MLC then you know
Confusion + depression = MLC
Call it whatever you want-crisis. Emotional Cancer.
What you are acknowledging and understanding is that your spouse is sick. In crisis.
What they feel, say, and do is real to them. What we acknowledge on these boards is that while they are in crisis they are not capable of making healthy decisions.
We acknowledge that the LBS should detach from the consequences of those words and actions and focus on themselves.
To commit to their own personal wellbeing and growth
AND if
the WAS wants to commit to working on the M then it will be up to the LBS whether to engage in that process.
But they will be making that decision from a healthy place.
At first you come here because you want to save your M.
You look for some outcome for yourself.
And because you love your spouse.
At some point the second part -love- comes to the front of your understanding.
This advice IMO applies to whether your spouse is MLC or not.
It is the tougher choice for sure. To endure this tragedy and hardship.
So be sure you know why you are doing it.
Radio I would not focus on your W or her behavior or whether this will snap her out.
It is useless to try to get into anyone's head and figure it out.
Focus on you. If you don't save you, your M will not be saved.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm well aware of the debate surrounding the 'existence' of MLC among the experts. I'm also aware of the fact that our hostess MWD does belong to the school of thought supporting the 'diagnosis'. As such she addresses it in her books and created a forum specifically for people seeking help in situations which, in their opinion, fit the 'profile'.
You very obviously do not believe in MLC, and I respect your right to that opinion, so I can't help but wonder why you surf the MLC board?
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
At some point, they looked at the marriage, saw no joy in it, looked back with a negative view on a past of resentment, and they felt real regret about it all, so they are dealing regret, resentment, and misery the best way they know how. The ARE trying to be strong too.
What they think is REAL. What they feel is REAL. It's as REAL as what you think and feel.
TH, you do a great job of describing a WAS, and I don't disagree with what you have written as it applies to a WAS. I have a question for you though ... do you 'believe' in Depression? Do you 'believe' that someone suffering from depression clearly sees their environment?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
What they think is REAL. What they feel is REAL. It's as REAL as what you think and feel.
I can't speak to anyone else's experience but my own. In my wife's case, I can only agree with that statement in the context of how she perceives my failures in the marriage. However, that's only a small piece of the puzzle. For the past year my wife has made some very bad choices, and has yet to own up to them. When she makes a comment (less than two weeks ago) that my son should have to explain to the neighbors why she decided to move out, that's clouded judgement on her part. When my wife thinks it's okay that her EA partner left his own wife and children to pursue my wife, and in the meantime spends countless hours on the phone telling my wife he loves her, sends her pictures of divorce papers by e-mail and messages telling my wife to fantasize about having sex with him and spending 3 days in bed together, that's the equivalent of mental rape on his part, and completely foggy thinking/clouded judgement [of reality] on her part. There's no culture/religion in the world that explicitly condones infidelity (emotional or physical). My wife is not thinking straight TimeHeals. Her perceptions may seem real to her, but she's definitely not living in reality at this point in time.
I don't think labels, in general, do us a lot of good when we try to understand why somebody is in crisis, why their perspective is what it is, and so on.
I know that people go through this in middle age. They go through it at other ages too. Hence, it's not nearly as relevant, in my opinion, as accepting what is happening and understanding the crisis both partners are facing.
Quote:
do you 'believe' in Depression?
Of course I believe in depression.
Quote:
Do you 'believe' that someone suffering from depression clearly sees their environment?
At the risk of sounding sophmoric, I question anybody who claims to 'clearly' see their environment.
A better question is do I think their perspective is productive or making them happy?
I think depressed people are telling the truth when they say they don't feel productive and don't feel happy.
They feel depressed. Who am I to question their feelings?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/02/1003:11 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hi Mach1. I'm a dunce. Can you tell me how to find other posters' messages?
Quote:
I believe that this "could" be the seed that wakes her up. Nothing is going to be quick. She will not wake up in one instant and do a 180 from where she is. Like Mach said this could be the start of where she hits bottom and starts back up, or it could push her deeper into the hole.
So, do you think the best thing I can do is give her space, leave her be, and just be a patient observer?
Quote:
Radio I would not focus on your W or her behavior or whether this will snap her out. It is useless to try to get into anyone's head and figure it out. Focus on you. If you don't save you, your M will not be saved.
I guess I'd ask you the same question I asked Lance above. It may be ego-talk, but I don't feel like I'm [over] focusing on my wife's behaviors/actions, and certainly don't feel like I'm trying to 'solve this MLC problem'. I feel like what I am doing is asking ton's of questions [from people more experienced than me with MLC], so that I can learn to identify what some of the catalysts for change are, in general, with a person in MLC...good or bad change...
I do realize I alone cannot control the outcome (i.e. save my marriage). Afterall, it takes two hands to make a clapping sound right?
Hi Mach1. I'm a dunce. Can you tell me how to find other posters' messages?
Go up to MY STUFF Click on Watch List Click on Watched Users Click on Edit Watched Users Click on Add a user to list Type in user - "Amy C" Select her as a watched user. Click on her name Click on show all posts.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: lancesijan
I believe that this "could" be the seed that wakes her up. Nothing is going to be quick. She will not wake up in one instant and do a 180 from where she is. Like Mach said this could be the start of where she hits bottom and starts back up, or it could push her deeper into the hole.
So, do you think the best thing I can do is give her space, leave her be, and just be a patient observer?
YES give her space.
Last edited by LanceSijan; 09/02/1003:39 PM. Reason: more directions
MR I believe PEI has it right. That is what I believe. You have to keep asking the questions to figure out what you believe. Once you get to a point where it starts to fit together like a puzzle, you can then take a breath. Here is the deal: If it is MLC, you will know by what you read, see, and experience throughout this journey that you did not ask for. Knowledge is power here. Even if you realize it is MLC, you will also have moments of doubt as you continue on. This Sh** is hard. Standing is hard. Giving up without knowing for sure? That is stinking easy. That is the route most take. You are on a board with lots of others opinions. Be totally aware of that. You already know you have to keep reading Cadets resources over and over. There are very helpful people here and they will be there for you to get a handle on this. Then, when you have it in your heart, you can develop the habits and path necessary for the outcome of this no matter which way it goes. Really, would you want it any other way? You win no matter which way it goes.
