Things are back to where they've always been. She can't talk about things. She is afraid of upheaval and the fact that she'd have to share custody of the kids. I want to share this email my sister sent me just to give some perspective on how families deal with marriages in crisis. I know it's personal, but any feedback would be appreciated. EMAIL TO ME BELOW: --------------------------------------------------------------
Dear G***,
I appreciate the apologies for neglecting your family. I admit I was upset that you didn't acknowledge your goddaughter's birthday, but you've got bigger fish to fry right now.
I understand you're going through the hardest time of your life, but you know I'm a straight shooter and at the risk of sounding completely cold-hearted, I've got to let you know how I feel. Just know that I'm your sister, I love you, and I will always be there for you. I've been keeping posted on your progress through mom, and every time I hear what's going on, I rant and rave and get so frustrated. If I called you, I'd be yelling at you and I know you'd tune out.
I know you're seeing a therapist and she is helping you through this emotional turmoil, but I think when you're "in it" you're blinded by what you want to see versus what's really going on, and enough is enough! Her job is to listen to you while you figure things out for yourself. I can't sit quiet on the sidelines and watch this train wreck any longer.
I get everything you said in your email, but I cringe when you write things like, "I can't live this way for MUCH longer" or the wait is ALMOST over" What's it gonna take for you to realize you don't deserve this no matter how irresponsibly you behaved in your marriage???? Will you finally get angry when she finds a boyfriend and you babysit the boys while she goes out on a date????? (oh, wait...didn't you do that already the other night?)
I'm sorry to say that you're only intact as a family because you haven't moved out. The car is not running out of gas, it's on dead E and you are trying to push it while the emergency brake is engaged! It is abundantly clear to everyone but you that Dani is wrapped up in Dani. Her big dilemma is that she can't handle the idea that you would have the boys without her hovering or texting you to get them back home to her. Or, god forbid, that they form any sort of meaningful relationship with your horrible, irresponsible family. Believe it, Glen. She does not want you to take them away from her, ever. But know this: As their father, you have the same rights to them that she does. She's just going to have to deal with it.
You say, "following our last session with a therapist she hasn't said one word about anything we discussed." Well, HAVE YOU?????? Why do you pussyfoot around and allow her to treat you like a doormat?? Screw not making her upset and having her feel backed into a corner. She started this mess and she needs to face up to it. Why do you care if she's afraid of upheaval?? PLEASE, STOP being so afraid to start up a conversation about what's going on. If she freaks out and tells you to leave, simply state that you're not leaving your sons.
I'm afraid the truth is Dani never took her marriage vows seriously. "For better or worse, through good times and bad" meant absolutely nothing to her. Unfortunately, sometimes people get screwed by the person they marry, and I'm afraid you are one of those people. She's got her children, you weren't behaving the way she expected you to, so she's throwing you away. I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for her if she opened her mouth when she realized she was so unhappy, and asked to work on things together. Instead, she opted to finally blow up after harboring bad feelings for years and then declared that she wants out. Very mature.
HER ONLY DEEP CONFLICT IS THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO GO AWAY, BUT SHE KNOWS IF YOU GO, SHE MUST LET THE BOYS VISIT YOU WITHOUT HER, AND SHE CAN'T HANDLE THAT FACT. PERIOD.
I realize that you are in a precarious situation since you have become completely enmeshed in her family. But do yourself a giant favor and start detaching yourself from them. I hope to God that you are not fooling yourself by believing that any one of them has your back. They can cry and wring their hands as much as they want to. You are a fly in the ointment, and they're just waiting for you to go away and for Dani to bring home a new jar.
Start thinking of another way to make a living. Take some civil service tests and see what kind of jobs there are out there where you don't need a college degree. Or do some freelance writing for some publications and see where that leads you. I know it's daunting, but you cannot go on living like you have been, and the time to stop is NOW!!!!
STOP, STOP, STOP accompanying her to family functions or even to visit with her folks or Fran. She can take the boys there herself or drag her mormon surrogate with her.
START bringing the boys down to LI, regularly, to meet their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Make a plan with us, confirm it with your "wife" and stick to it. If she decides to flip out, or tries to preempt it with some Bonavita function, STAND UP TO HER, put them in the car and drive away.
Listen, Glen. You deserve way better. You have two beautiful sons who identify with their father, so the most important thing you can do for yourself and them is to keep that bond growing stronger. Don't make the mistake of letting them lose respect for you because you're not standing up for yourself and allowing their mother to call all the shots. I know they are too young to understand it, but trust me, they feel and sense it on some level.
I know this is the hardest part, but try to start realizing your marriage is over. Start mourning the loss. Work with your therapist to discover why your self-esteem is so low, and PLEASE, set up a consultation with someone who can advise you on your custodial rights and financial rights and obligations and start the ball rolling.
FACT: People have no respect for people who do not respect themselves. Start taking steps to gain back your self-respect before you have none left and you end up being the next Mrs. Doubtfire.
This note may piss you off and I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I only tried to express it because I care about you.
