Yeah, it is a double edged sword. I do think it takes a special person to take them back, in any case. Clearly, somehow, you have to be able to put the A in the past. Just as clearly, it never goes away.
K - I don't think for you it is just that H had an A. I truly believe that if a spouse has an A that it is possible to reconcile, but what I feel is hard about your situation (and what I admire most about you for reconciling) is that he did come home and did "reconcile" for a while just to find out he was still with her. To me, that is what is hardest to get over. Having an A, is hard enough to get over, but I really think the fact that you did trust him and he flat out hurt that trust is the hard part.
I completely believe that it is possible for you to have a great marriage and agree you have to build a new foundation and not just try to fix the old, but it is going to take a long time because there is so much more to this than just an A (like I said which is hard enough), but to have the trust rebuilt when you tried before just to have it thrown back at you that is the hardest part.
You are really an inspiration for continuing to work it out and stick with it. You could have said forget it to him when he wanted to work things out, but you decided to take him back, and that in itself is something to honor.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Hey K, I understand what you are saying and in your case, yes, there was a huge amount of damage done and lies told. Of course, like others say, there is also a lot of history there.. you were young when you met and you have grown together and yes he has hurt you, terribly, but he also came back, which kind of validates that your link was strong enough to get married in the first place?
And he gave you two beautiful children, a family and.. well, its history surely that you would take back a cheating husband and that you loved him then as despite everything, you love him now.
Having been the one who had an A once, I feel love is different to other 'rules' and conducts of behaviour. I believe that until we have 'learnt our lessons' in love, yes we can hurt one another, behave appalingly, treat our lovers how we would never want to be treated ourselves, or would dare to treat a friend.. and yet that love can survive. Or rise again, stronger, like a phoenix from the ashes. And as you say, you have to have strengh of character, self belief, be secure in yourself and be able to forgive and kind of.. not bear a grudge about the past behaviour? Do you think he has learnt his lessons now?
Perhaps he would be more willing to try some IC/MC now that your bond is a bit stronger, if you want to answer some of these questions? He went reluctantly before didnt he.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I haven't kept up lately, but it sounds like things are pretty much the same, except as you say, the anger doesn't last as long each time you have it. I think I know what you mean, although my experience wasn't as long or as severe as yours. But we did reconcile and try to pull the skin back over the wound.
This morning my H woke up at 5:30, dressed and came over to my side of the bed to kiss me goodbye (a habit that we deliberately developed in the post-affair marriage). And since I had just gone to bed, I was thinking, he could stay and have sex before he goes. But he said he had things to do at the office. And I couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't some early-riser woman he might be meeting. But then why leave me, the still awake night owl, to go meet early-riser woman? So I decided to not bother trying to sleep anymore and went into the kitchen where I saw that he had helped himself to the coffee I had made and a piece of fresh blueberry cobbler. And I thought, don't be silly, he didn't leave you and drink your coffee and eat your pastry to go meet a lover. I think I will never lose that thought although I can't imagine him doing it again.
I cant separate anymroe the A and the lies and the cruelty etc etc. I think it all became one "grey mass" in my head still causing so much hurt.
Ali, I hear you. I know love/relationships is a learning thing. I know I would have done things differently (in my past) if I was aware of all the things I am aware now. Has he learnt his lessons? I honestly dont know.
Dear Lotus, things are not the same. Things are much better. Some people over the weekend commented to me how we looked so cool and happy together. It's just that "my insides" are a little slow and need time, a lot of time...
What you described, sounds... familiar. Having that thought is sad. I know I will be the same way. It is exactly what concerns me. K
Puppy posted something that I thought was very relevant to your previous question.
Quote:
My wife asked me both during -- and after -- her affair, why I was fighting for her. Why I hadn't kicked her out immediately. I told her:
- because I took a wedding vow, before God, and I took that very seriously. It was not "for better or for better yet," it was "for better or for WORSE";
- because I loved her, and we had a lot of shared history together;
- because I didn't want to demonstrate to our four children that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand and fight for what is important to you, for as long as you can, to the best of your ability;
- because if the situation were reversed, and I had say a gambling or alcohol addiction, I would hope that she would do the same and fight for ME;
- and because I didn't want to go to my death bed with REGRETS, that I should have tried harder. If I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact.
Minus the kids part, this rang very true for me. I think all of it rings true for you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
