I'm worried that he isn't getting it. I told him in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't talk about our M right now. But I'm feeling anxious that he's going to start.
How do I stop having the battles in my head? I've already had our evening conversation over and over and it's not even 3pm yet. I'm trying not to predict or anticipate and just wait things happen but I'm so used to preparing for the worst it's hard to just sit back and relax. Does that ever really happen?
AJM, thanks so much for everything. I hope you keep coming back because I'm sure I'm going to flub up sooner rather than later.
Til then, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
Doodi. I have been you. My h is a lot like how you describe yours and I can relate 100% to this post:
Originally Posted By: Doodi
The fear is all emotional. He is not physical but all about intimidation. The yelling, belittling and guilt. He won't stop until the tears are going then he wants to act like the sweet prince here to make it all better. Hot 'n Cold has nothing on him and it happens so fast, we all are blindsided. He doesn't get to the kids too often because I'm on constant alert. I've started noticing the anxiety in my kids too and that's when things really started going in my head. I won't let things happen to my kids.
We do not have children but I cannot at all imagine living in a house like mine with kids. So I hear you loud and clear. And the part you said about not being able to relax because you don't know what will set him off... the anxiety, the sleeplessness, the numb "dead" feeling. You just brought a lot of memories back to me. Painful memories that I have not paid attention to lately.
The silver lining in your story is that your H seems to be willing to TRY to work on things. You have explained to him that there is a problem and he seems to AGREE with you. That is GOLD.
Would you be willing to go to C with him? It's prob a GREAT idea for him to see his own IC to work on his issues. Very important.
He is hurting badly right now because he prob could never imagine you gone. You have done a very good thing by telling him how you are feeling. Honesty is the best policy.
Many will tell you numbness is a protection mechanism. Not worn out, but kind of like passing out. Only emotionally.
How can you stop having the conversations in your head? Really? Do you want that? Do you prefer to feel numb? I know I didn't like that feeling myself.
You are impatient
Your anxiety is because you do feel. You do care. You don't feel right about this. But you also seem to be torn by the changes that need to happen. This is what limbo feels like and it, well, sucks. But rest assured it is supposed to suck. If it did not, wouldn't we stay there?
Something to consider: you feel anxiety. Can you imagine how your H feels for a second? He's just been clobbered, has a lot of the same emotions you do, AND gets to see his W suffering. That's hard on many men. I know it was for me.
The suggestion of being honest? I totally agree. Honesty, and not holding it back from him is a good policy. I will say that if you feel like you are going to say something that will hurt him, and aren't sure if you feel it AND will continue to feel that way, you would do better to hold your tongue. No matter what he says.
See, part of him asking the questions is him trying to connect with you. He can feel that weakened connection the same as you can. I'm not saying to lie, but I'm also not saying you should say damaging things either, just because it makes you feel better. Be sure what you say is solid when you can. Be honest about you and your feelings in that context.
And stop having the conversations ahead of time. Let them happen, vs choreographing them. You may be surprised what that brings. Sometimes pleasantly.
My suggestions.
Peace.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
One of the things my WAW and I have issues with is clarity. Not so much honesty, but being really clear about what we mean when we talk. For example, our pastor spoke to my W about a rental property that might be available at a cheap price. My wife told me about the discussion, but didn't say much about what she wanted to do. She assumed that I knew she was committed to our MC, that she wasn't going anywhere.
I took it differently, like she was keeping one foot out the door. When I told her this, we both realized that our communication issues were pretty big. I was acting on fear, she was acting on an assumption.
Things like that can be pretty damaging, and while it'd be great if your H was calm and rational, he's not. He's as confused, scared, panicked as you are, if not more since he feels like everything is out of his control.
@AJM I don't want to say that I'm impatient, it's just I can't seem to get through to him that it's going to take some time. I know I can't control his thinking but his actions towards me are more than I want/can handle right now so it is counterproductive. I have IC today so I'll bring it up...among everything else.
@Pinhead I think clarity is one of our issues as well. I know last night he did work really hard on staying upbeat and not letting the anger take over. BUT he also wanted to kiss and cuddle and things like that. I'm not there. I can't seem to get him to understand that I need to work on my negativity and insecurities before I can get there. He feels like the physical will make things better and it's just not for me. But how do I let him know this without him thinking I'm not trying? I really feel like this is our biggest problem right now and I just don't know how to deal with it, he is just really physical and I'm NOT.
My next question was going to be where to start? How to figure out the areas that I need to work on? But I guess I just did.
Catch ya'll later, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
@AJM I don't want to say that I'm impatient, it's just I can't seem to get through to him that it's going to take some time.
Patience seems to be today's word.
Quote:
I think clarity is one of our issues as well. I know last night he did work really hard on staying upbeat and not letting the anger take over.
I'm so happy to see that you can SEE him, that you NOTICE his effort. Well done, you.
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BUT he also wanted to kiss and cuddle and things like that. I'm not there.
Be patient with yourself here. I'm happy that you SEE yourself, as well.
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I can't seem to get him to understand that I need to work on my negativity and insecurities before I can get there. He feels like the physical will make things better and it's just not for me. But how do I let him know this without him thinking I'm not trying?
Be honest with him about this. He might not like what you say or how you feel, but that's not a good enough reason not to tell him where you are in this picture. He has a responsibility, too, to be patient with your difficulties. Both of you are fighting a hard battle. Remind him of the common ground you share: you both want a better R. Working through this problem could get you both there.
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I really feel like this is our biggest problem right now and I just don't know how to deal with it, he is just really physical and I'm NOT.
A spirit of patience while you work on it will help you.
You are smart - I read that in your posts. You're doing a great job, Doodi. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
BUT he also wanted to kiss and cuddle and things like that. I'm not there.
Quote:
I can't seem to get him to understand that I need to work on my negativity and insecurities before I can get there. He feels like the physical will make things better and it's just not for me. But how do I let him know this without him thinking I'm not trying?
Quote:
I really feel like this is our biggest problem right now and I just don't know how to deal with it, he is just really physical and I'm NOT.
A spirit of patience while you work on it will help you.
Greek [/quote]
This may be a big part of what killed my chance at reconciling with my W. That and her EA with OM. We had always been very physical and to just get shut down was very difficult for me. Especially at first. I kept pushing and she kept backing away. I couldn't stop pursuing until it was too late.
Well I had my IC today and I don't know whether to say it went good or bad. She told me that I was leading the H on because I still was thinking of leaving next summer if things didn't change. She told me that I was leading him on by saying we could work on this. She believes that I have way too many issues for him to overcome. She says my anger is too much to get past, especially when you throw in the trust problem. My IC believes that I am DONE in my heart but my other personal issues/codependency are making me say whatever takes to calm him down but then that just blurs the issues at hand.
So when he asked how IC went I told him everything that she said. He got emotional and told me that he understood. He was very upset because he said that now that he got it, he wasn't being given the chances to change anything. I told him that he could still needed to work on the things he brought up but he says he was only doing it for me so now it didn't matter.
I just sat there and took it. I didn't know what to say. I was too worried about saying the things he wanted and not the things I meant (if that makes sense). I do get where she's coming from though. I thought I was clear when I said that I just wanted us to work on our individual problems and not worry about the R just yet. I told him that who knew what would happen when we worked on ourselves. I really thought it was clear. But obviously I was wrong (as usual).
So now I've pretty much withdrawn into my head. I'm trying to figure out what to say, if I should say, should I just let the cookie crumble around me and accept that I did this. I don't want to be any more cruel that I have been but I do feel like every LITTLE thing I say that is even remotely positive he jumps on like I said let's renew our vows.
Why do I feel more confused after seeing the IC than before. WTF!!!
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
What do you think about what your IC said? Don't blindly follow her advice. Do what you think is right for your situation. How long have you been seeing this IC? These are decisions that YOU need to make.
Well I had my IC today and I don't know whether to say it went good or bad. She told me that I was leading the H on because I still was thinking of leaving next summer if things didn't change. She told me that I was leading him on by saying we could work on this. She believes that I have way too many issues for him to overcome. She says my anger is too much to get past, especially when you throw in the trust problem. My IC believes that I am DONE in my heart but my other personal issues/codependency are making me say whatever takes to calm him down but then that just blurs the issues at hand.
So when he asked how IC went I told him everything that she said. He got emotional and told me that he understood. He was very upset because he said that now that he got it, he wasn't being given the chances to change anything. I told him that he could still needed to work on the things he brought up but he says he was only doing it for me so now it didn't matter.
I just sat there and took it. I didn't know what to say. I was too worried about saying the things he wanted and not the things I meant (if that makes sense). I do get where she's coming from though. I thought I was clear when I said that I just wanted us to work on our individual problems and not worry about the R just yet. I told him that who knew what would happen when we worked on ourselves. I really thought it was clear. But obviously I was wrong (as usual).
So now I've pretty much withdrawn into my head. I'm trying to figure out what to say, if I should say, should I just let the cookie crumble around me and accept that I did this. I don't want to be any more cruel that I have been but I do feel like every LITTLE thing I say that is even remotely positive he jumps on like I said let's renew our vows.
Why do I feel more confused after seeing the IC than before. WTF!!!
Your IC is full of crap. Get a new IC or a DB coach. To say that you have too many issues to have a healthy relationship with him is to say that you have too many issues to have a healthy relationship with ANYBODY. (Does that mean you should abandon your children if you have any?) But you are in a relationship - a marriage - you're not just dating, so you work on yourself and the marriage at the same time. Read the self help books and do the work to heal yourself and your relationship. Too many divorces are occurring because any idiot can become therapist or even a psych. They were taught that if you are not happy you should quit. They are weak and full of crap.
