"I didn’t have a right to go home to a loving family."
*scratching head*
why do you feel you need to take the blame that your wife repeatedly cheats on you?
I'm not taking the blame for that. I'm taking the blame for my actions of not respecting my W by controlling her and not seeing that she was valuable by contributing to the home as much as I should have.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
There are a lot of people out there that feel like they have been controlled and disrespected that dont have multiple affairs. Instead, they effectively communicate their frustrations to their partner and get help.
Everyone makes mistakes. What's important is taking ownership of them. You are doing that. Is she?
It takes 2 John. Stop letting her MANIPULATE YOU with GUILT.
Own up to your mistakes then drop it. You cant keep on beating yourself up and destroying what's left of your self-worth and identity or you will be left with a hollow shell of your former self.
interestingly enough, she caved today. She called me from downtown freaking out and crying because she couldn't find the mediators office. She was hysterical crying and upset. She couldn't find the place so she didn't go.
I asked her if she needed anything, she asked if it would be OK to come to the house and see me. I said yes, that would be fine.
She came over. She talked about how painful and difficult this is. She then asked me what's going on, why haven't you talked to me in three days? I said I was taking some time to figure out how I felt about her given all that has happened.
I backslid a few times in our conversation - went back into old behaviors when she pulled the same crap to lure me in, fell for it a couple of times. Couple of times I didn't. It's really hard to break old R habits.
I didn't want to talk about the R, but she said, "I don't understand why you were so cold to me, I never thought it would be like this, I thought we would always be friends but now you won't even do that"
I replied with, "I don't have to be your friend. I just have to get along with you. I've finally been able to step out of the fog of our R and it's failure, and I'm just not sure how I feel about you anymore."
Tonight she told me that in her perfect world she would be able to be with me and be happy. That's a change of her tune that she's been singing. She says that she doesn't see how we can get there, and she has no evidence that my changes are happening for any long amount of time, so she is still heading down the path of D for her sake.
Whatever.
A few times tonight she said, "Whatever" after asking me a direct question and not liking my answer. I stood up to her, told her that it was disrespectful to talk to me like that and I wouldn't allow it. She got a little pissy, but hey, whatever.
She is still trying to be my puppeteer and pull my strings. It's not working the same way it did before. So, she gets upset. Comes to me all wah wah I'm sad, and I somewhat give her comfort.
I was duped again.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You should have told her to talk to you over the phone, why did she need to come over? I sense some of your answers sound like they are coming out of a book, or posts but she is still trying to play you. YOu did some good and some bad, dont beat yourself up I am not perfect at this either. I feel both of our W's want to keep some kind of bonding glue there, not so much to work on M but to keep us from oving on while they stay ahead of us on the moving on. my 2 cents
Change is a process, it takes time. If you make progress, that should be enough. As I understand it, the goal is to get through the next 2 weeks with no further damage to the relationship, and get to Retrouvaille. I think, like the others, that there are many things wrong in your relationship. But I don't believe that you can fix them all by yourself.
The point of Retrouvaille is that they explain the rules to both of you, and you both think about and deal with the same issues at the same time. Right now, you are dealing with issues, and she is thinking about other stuff. If there is no direction, there is little chance that you will end up at your goal. But that's fine, because you don't need to fix this in the next two weeks. You just have to keep it from getting worse.
I think you are doing fine. You are making her realize that divorce isn't all peaches and cream the way she imagined it would be. She needs to see that. It sounds like your wife lives in her own fantasy world and she expects that her fantasies will work out the way she imagines them. Maybe in the movies, but real life is different. I think you are doing a good job of showing her that she has some unrealistic expectations.
You're right that my goal is just to get through these two weeks without any further damage to the relationship. That and GAL, start to detach more.
She called just now to ask about something concerning S4's drop off tomorrow. We talked a little about today. Spoke how it was difficult to be friends in a situation like this when we can't or won't tell everything to each other, after all the hurt that is going around.
W also mentioned the fact that yesterday I didn't return any of her calls in a timely fashion, her many calls and texts, and that has never happened in our 5 years together, not even once.
At the end of the conversation, I don't know why, but I temperature checked. Probably a mistake. But, she revealed that she still had hope for us, dim, but it was there inside her.
She has given me no indication there was any hope until now. She may just be playing me, probably, but it seemed very sincere. She was crying when she said it. I've come to notice when she is playing me pretty well now since all of you point it out everytime, but this time it really felt sincere.
I have hope, but I must keep no expectations.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I have to say, you are going to lose more and more support here. You are not listening to anything except when someone says ther could be something positive to your W's actions. Everything I just read is her manipulating you, why cant you see it? you continue to mind read, its lke I said a week ago she is going to keep playing oyu until your Retro weekend. I thought my W was good at playing me, but your W takes the cake and you eat it up!!! I am not saying dont have hope, but your expectations are far above your hope meter, this is unhealthy. Stop saying it feels sincere, you keep telling yourself that you are doing things to get your W back, in reality you are under her control. I want to offer my opinion but I am starting to feel very redundant here, there is a reason some of the "vets: dont post here anymore, and these "vets" have succeeded in their goals, and you dont listen. If you dont start now, right now with what you need to do, as I have said before you will be more hurt than you can even imagine.
how did you know she called concerning S4, did you let her leave a VM first? no you answered right away. I have 2 young kids, I dont answer every call, if its important and it concerns S she will leave a message. or call multiple times. You said you were controlling in the M R? sounds like you are taking your W's issues and putting them in you, you are taking all the blame in this M, when in reality it is your W that is controlling. I used to think the same thing, it was all me, no in fact my W wanted to mold me into a H who would sit, stay and lay down. No more. She has always taken this approach with me, and probably every R she has been in b4. something to think about. She needs to change or she will be another woman who cant be in a R, if its you or someone else she will treat you or them the same way, and it will get old real quick.
I can understand your frustration. We're all different. Some of us are slow learners, other can quickly turn their M around in a month. Obviously, I'm probably one of the worst DB'er in history - I recognize that.
But I do have some moments of sanity and clarity every now and then. They're coming more and more frequently now. I REALLY and I mean really, have started to come out of this fog - and it has taken me nearly 2.5 months to do so. Most people would have figured it out long ago. I obviously haven't, but I'm still learning. I keep posting here with EVERY action I take not because I wish for someone to give me an attaboy - I expect and hope for the opposite. I post here so that I can get advice on what I've done wrong, not what I've done right.
I'll quickly admit I'm probably the worst at detaching and moving on and keeping expectations low, if at all. I know you guys get it - I love my W and want to save my M. I know you people understand me and the pain I'm in. That's why I keep coming back for more 2x4's over and over.
I think that when I try a tactic I don't stick with it long enough. I went dark for 3 days. ONLY 3 days. And what happened? She pursued the crap out of me. She was crying about it. And what did I do? Reverse back to old habits and let her control me.
At least at this point I can recognize the cycle. I'm still learning. It will take more time and test my resolve. I only ask you all keep with me here and keep the fire burning.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I think that when I try a tactic I don't stick with it long enough. I went dark for 3 days. ONLY 3 days. And what happened? She pursued the crap out of me. She was crying about it. And what did I do? Reverse back to old habits and let her control me.
At least at this point I can recognize the cycle. I'm still learning. It will take more time and test my resolve. I only ask you all keep with me here and keep the fire burning.
Why do you continue to STOP doing what IS working then? Seriously? You recognize your cycle, but yet you do everything the opposite of what works.
I'm not against you and I read your posts every day, but you set yourself up for failure. I know you love your W, all of us LBH's LOVE our Wives and absolutely want our M's to succeed, otherwise we wouldn't be here. Don't forget that! You have had huge, HUGE signs of it working out and some of the best advice on the board, but you continue to sabotage your own progress. DSH is right in being frustrated, you are so damn close sometimes, but then you screw it up. You really need to follow through to be successful.
Once again, I'm not against you friend. Just please take a step back and really evaluate WHAT WORKS and follow through.
