Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I am missing H dreadfully. Everything I do on this vacation, I am sad that H is not here to share it with DS and I. I'm sad that he is missing out on seeing the joy on DS's face when the ocean waves splash him, hearing the shrieks of laughter when DS jumps around in the waves. We'll be walking along the main strip and I'll think "This would drive H crazy, he would not like to just wander around like this", or I'll be in a restaurant and find myself wondering what H would have ordered. I often catch myself wondering what H is doing at that moment in time. This going dark thing is darn difficult.

I just feel so sure that H will return to me, it's just a matter of patience. I'm sure that doesn't help with the letting go part of the process.

Still no resolution in the file or not file divorce decision. Right now I am leaning towards not filing. But I know it's stupid of me to hold on so tightly to someone who obviously wants to be let go. But if I file then I'm giving in to his demands once more, once again bending to his will. This is not easy to figure out.