WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[hurtinhartford]

Hi NCU,

I read your thread and I am deeply sorry that you are in this sitch. Unfortunately, I am the one that caused my sitch. I had an affair 2 years ago and told my W that I was falling in love with someone else. My W concocted a couple of schemes to get me jealous...it worked and knocked me to my senses and I broke off the R. The problem is I never officially apologized to my W until recently, she internalized the pain for 2 yrs and left me on July 4th.

I would not recommend getting your H jealous, but I would not go out of my way being nice either. I think they call it being your Spouses doormat. I would pull away and discuss only children related issues, schedule days of the week that each will have the children so that you have time to GAL. Maybe that will get your H to think that if he can do it so can you.

My W will not even communicate with me so I am being very ginger in my emails. No R talks other than when I let her go this week and even then all I said was that I wanted her to be happy so I am letting her go. I plan to go semi-dark by following Coach's suggestion. I am not sure where to go from there if she does not initiate communication. I plan to follow the path that a few have been successful at.

[NotCrackingUp]

For hurtinhartford: I'd think e-mailing weekly would be chasing; how about concentrating on the birthday greeting and making that into something unexpected - the kind of card or small gift she'd like but you'd never have bought in your past life together, something she'd not expect from you? Not romantic, but showing that you remember her tastes - as a friend.
Good luck anyway.
NotCrackingUp

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

Thank you for the advice. I agree about the weekly email. I went semi-dark a few weeks ago and that is when she emailed me a 'thank you' for forwarding her a message about a doctor's appointment. then I got excited and emailed her about 3 to 4 times including an open invite....really chasing extraordinaire.

I was thinking about a small card with a simple statement "Hope you have a great day" and possibly a small inexpensive gift (something from where she is from).

It is amazing how easy it is giving someone else suggestions when it is not your sitch, like me giving you advice. But when it comes to our own sitch I feel totally rudderless. I will get the DB book I have DR just in case I missing some key strategies like the ones Coach laid out earlier today.

I wish you luck NCU keep your head up and take care of yourself and your children. I have read so many posts and the one thing that I have taken away from them is that you have to take care of yourself and forget about what your H is up to.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks hurtinhartford. My husband has never apologized either, in fact from the day he told me of it, he's said the affair was "all my fault". I was studying and working at the same time for the last two years, I neglected his needs and didn't see he was lonely. That's true, but before I'd started the course, I'd asked him if he agreed, as it would involve late night studying and not much time at home. He'd been enthusiastic at the time. And when he felt the pull to this other woman, he could have sat me down and said he'd a problem. But he never did. I'd have gone through fire for him and still would, he knows it and despises me for it, it would seem.

Strangely, although the idea of the affair hurts so much, especially as I think she's still pulling his strings at present, it's not the worst for me. The worst part is his telling me that it's my fault, refusing to see it hurt me, refusing to come clean even now, when he's left, and totally turning against me.

My only solution is to organise an independent life for myself. But I 'd so much like him to evacuate all that resentment and the "negative feelings" he's showing me at present. He's the one who had an affair. I've said I was wiling to forgive him, but he seems to want to punish me for something, to see me as the cause of all his woes. We have to have contact, because of children, but it hurts because he's defensive, irritable and difficult about everything. I've tried to set boundaries - about money (I've helped him financially set up his flat so he can have the kids to stay, but didn't want him to overdo the expense), about things he's taken from the house. So now, he makes a big thing of showing me every box of matches or spare fuse he takes from here, very sardonically, as though I was the world's meanest person.He doesn't want to divorce, just wants "time" and "freedom", yet if I raise any objection, he raises the divorce flag, and says "I could take half of everything, I'm being generous in leaving you here in the house".

I actually passed the exams I was preparing for last year, and have moved up on the salary scale quite a bit as a result. I did it for me, but also for him and for our family. But now I earn a lot more than he does, and I wonder what part jealousy and hurt pride are playing in all this. I never meant to hurt him, but I'm being made to "pay" through the nose for something.

with regard to your wife, if sheleft because of pain after your affair, maybe that means you're not indifferent to her. I know the idea of my husband making love with someone else and rejecting me is crushing me as a woman, esp as he doesn't seem to care that he's hurt me. I seem to have become no-one for him, and although I love him, I'd prefer not to see him at all if it could be possible. Every time I see his face, the wound opens up, and his coldness and nastiness make it worse. Maybe your wife preferred to be away from a source of hurt? Mind you, I'm no psychologist. Good luck .
NotCrackingUp

[NotCrackingUp]

Thks hurtinhartford. You're dead right about seeing others' situations more clearly.My nose is far too close to the glass for me to see my own.I just so much want the situation to improve, we'd so many good years, were great friends and had a happy intimate life.In such a short time, I've become an enemy, an obstacle, a non-woman. I want to understand, but I suppose, when it comes to humans, there is nothing to understand.
Ok, I must get up for school tomorrow, so to bed. I wish you all the best in your quest. We have to keep hoping and acting positively. 'Night.
NotCrackingUp

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

when I told her that I was falling in love with someone else the hurt in her eyes nearly killed me. The A was only an EA, but the people on the post tell me that it does not matter if it was an EA or PA it is still an A. She left me for 2 days then came back. We slept in separate rooms for about two weeks then we sort of reconciled without verbally apologizing.

When I broke it off with the OM I attempted to make good by spending $$ on her. The sad part is that the OM's name use to come "if my W leaves me I always have plan B" it was sort od a standing joke (so I thought) between the two of us. She event use to bring it up. It was never out of malice just humor. But I was too dense to realize that I was hurting her. She internalized everything and never said anything to me.

I blame only myself for the situation that I am in. My W only exercised what she thought was best for her. I am not angry at her, but I am angry at myself for giving her reasons to leave and not giving her the love, security, and respect to stay.

[hurtinhartford]

Advice on 180's from the vets.

This offically day 60 when my W left. I have had 1 email from her since she left and no other communication. My only means to communicate is via email and I do have her work address. All of my coorespondance has been positive (180 since she considerd me impatient and hot tempered). I have not spoken about R or M and have not asked her what she has been up to (180 due to my controlling issues).

I wrote an apology email and let her go on Monday, so far no legal action has taken place. Her b-day is next week so I will send a simple card and an inexpensive gift that would be sentimental to her.

My attempt is to remove the negative feelings that she has about me and begin the path to being friends. I have also lost a lot of weight that contributed to my low self-esteem and to my behavior towards her. Unfortunately, she will not be able to see that transformation at this time. I am working on GAL and getting her out of my system.

Question:
Do I wait until she initiates contact (infinity and beyond) or do I finally have to do something to force her hand to communicate via mediation, etc.? It has been 60 days and I am willing to wait another 60, but there will be a time when it will not matter.

[hurtinhartford]

Running Around In Circles:

I am reading so many strategies on these posts that my head is spinning.

WAW has not initiated communication with me in 60 days:
1. I apologized to her for my A - On Monday via email
2. I let my W go - In the same apology email
3. I am doing 180's - via the emails that I have sent to her by showing patience, friendship and a little humor. If I follow 180's then I would not acknowledge my W's b-day next week. But if I do not acknowledge her b-day it is an opportunity to show friendship (counter to letting her go). My gut says no acknowledgement, but I have been wrong so many times since this thing started. I really do need advice from the vets. What would they do??????? If I do not acknowledge her b-day then I hold true to letting her go, but if I do acknowledge her b-day don't I confuse her and then I lose credibility (cry wolf)?

I apologize for the hand holding, but I am reading and following the DB/DR and it is theory...I need advice from people who have put the theory into practice. It took me 5 weeks to find this place before that I was following advice from the other relationship gurus out there.

[hurtinhartford]

I guess journaling is therapuetic. Her silence is driving me crazy. I know the A was 2 yrs ago and I know that I deeply hurt her, but I never saw her pull away from me. We had many good times within these last two years. I helped her get her RN license and she never wanted for nothing.

I cannot believe that she can just stop communication all together. Part of me says that I am wasting my time and the other part says to hold on because we did have something good together. There has been no legal action so maybe she is just totally confused and not sure what to do. My IC, which is my W's IC (not sure if W is still seeing her) thinks that she is still in love with me and afraid that I would influence her in coming back when she is not ready.

I realize that if we do get back together that the M would have to be totally different than the past M and that I have to be the one to change it.

[NotCrackingUp]

Hurtinhartford,
I'm surprised your counsellor can tell you about what your wife says to her/him during an individual session, but maybe that's the way it's done.If it's true, it should give you hope, shouldn't it? Hope is double-edged, though. I so much want to hope, in my situation, and my H's family all tell me to stick it out, give him time, etc.But he doesn't see them much or confide, that I know. Maybe they're just saying "hope" to calm me down and feel better themselves.

From what I've been reading here, it would seem that when you let go, you forego contact. But I understand a birthday's different. I don't contact my H unless child-related. But I won't let his birthday go by without at least a text. Hope he'll be on the way home by then - it's in February.
NotCrackingUp