How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[amg2]

Wow TG you're really making some good points here. I Truly appreciate everyone's help. With all that you said so profoundly, I feel like I should have something more eloquent to say, but "I'm bored". I have been doing intense 'inner work', IC for 8 months. I know I'm not "done". Maybe one is never "done". But I have certainly grown and changed as a person, an individual. I'm finanacially stable and have been paying ALL bills at the house since d day/kick out, so that's not it. I have a life: I work, work out, run (these two things keep me sane), go out with friends, read, spend time with family, travel. I'm self sufficient. I'm not claiming to be thrilled with this whole deal but...I've impressed myself. Don't we ALL get into a relationship because we WANT something? I totally get what you're saying, I just kind of think I've moved beyond "needing" someone and just think it would feel nice to "have someone".

Also, I'm just in a sort of sarcastic place I guess. When I read the words about "air between us", etc. I get it, but my sitch feels like BS. Maybe I've just been down this road too many times. My H has been caught in 4 inappropriate relationships (usually cell/texting) and injecting illegal steroids. He has severe issues w/ himself, his self esteem. He's in complete MLC. And in 7 months I've seen VERY little to indicate that HE thinks HE might have a problem. Granted I don't KNOW what he thinks, does. But he hasn't been to IC. It's just very hard to take him seriously anymore. He's like a shell of a real person. I know that sounds mean. I honestly think he's of weak character. Again mean, but I'm being honest. He's not "manning up". And I FULLY ACCEPT that you can't MAKE someone help themselves. But once you accept that...then...I don't know.

Thank you again.

[Truegritter]

He's like a shell of a real person. I know that sounds mean. I honestly think he's of weak character. Again mean, but I'm being honest. He's not "manning up".

As we move through this process and especially when we start to move out of the trauma of what has happened...

Our focus switches from trying to get our spouse back...

because that will validate us.

To actually scrutinizing the person you married.

I mean looking at them in the harshest of critical light.

It is normal to do this and question this.

My other thread is "W has PTSD and is MLC" and round about p. 30 or so I describe that happening.

only a couple of months ago.

As I said everyone is different but I do think it is normal when you get your wits back and you really start to heal that you question who you are married to.

Only you can say whether there is anything there that is worth an investment of your time.

I believe everyone is capable of the same growth...

that there is more there than they are currently showing you.

But

I found that my decision to continue was for me.

Each step along the way I have found things that I never understood that I never imagined possible.

It has all come from pushing forward with faith in myself.

Faith in this process to reveals things I am meant to learn.

When I am ready to learn them.

I do want to "have someone".

I do "have" someone. Someone who is scared and confused right now.

It is not an ideal life.

But

This tragedy has given me an amazing gift....

This is not for the squeemish. This is not the average choice.

You had to set your sights above mediocrity to get where you are now

Above the average.

Is there more?

Only you can say.

[amg2]

TG I certainly respect the time you're taking, your approach, and your endurance. And I appreciate the time you, and others, are taking to help me here. I certainly have a lot to think about, and am still open to suggestions and thoughts.

If I hadn't found this site, the DB book, nearly 8 months ago I truly think I'd have driven myself insane by now. I was/would have done everything to destroy what was left of my marriage and myself. THAT, I do know. It was never in my instinct to withdraw. And as you said TG, it is funny in hindsight how you learn what you do in time, for a reason, in hindsight.

Peace and thanks to you all.

[amg2]

Can some of you comment here and confirm I have this right, as I'm newly refreshing, deepening my GAL, dimness/darkness: If he texts or calls me, wait to respond, business only, but friendly, right? No social invitations (I haven't given those for a while)and only accept SOME from him?

As I mentioned I've been dim for quite some time, but need to protect myself from him more than I have done so far. My wish is that it would be "right" for us to communicate, hang out, but it isnt' so, stay dim/dark. This is the logic, correct? Because it feels weird and need to refesh that I'm doing it correctly (I know it's a little different for each situation).

THANK YOU

[punkin]

amg2,

Yep. That's the idea. There are variances. You certainly know your H better than anyone else. I was drug out of the dark and Lord it's been a nightmare. Dim is good, dark is better. I'm opting for total blackout. Tired of being drug into his and OW's drama.

[ericmsant2]

Amg2

Going dark is too protect you. It should not be used a tool to punish your H. If you feel that emotionally you can not deal with him then you go DARK. If you feel that you can have civil conversation then go dim.

Can you give me some examples as to why he text you to begin with?

Eric

[amg2]

Thank you Punkin and Eric. D day (again) 7 months ago. Asked him not to come home. Clearly in deep MLC. We have not talked about D in about 5 months plus. I don't KNOW anything about what he is doing, who he is seeing because I don't investigate but he still has questionable behavior (but he acts so weird anyway who knows). Today's text was about some paperwork/car title information but also was friendly, asked how I was, if I was going to a social event this weekend that he is going to.

He hasn't moved himself any further from me, but also nothing is improving and I'm moving toward D, so feel best very dim. Not sure about dark. I know it makes me saner to avoid him, but it also still feels like I'm punishing him, but that's not my motivation. I understand the difference. I feel that 1) it will protect me and 2) as long as he still has access to me, why SHOULD anything change. Also, feel like he needs to be aware of reality, which is I'm headed for the door if changes and progress don't happen. It is important to me that I be honest with him about that, without preaching it or "posturing".

THANK YOU AGAIN

[amg2]

My H's family is small and mostly knows about our separation. My family is big and does NOT yet officially know. Our close friends know but not extended friends. We've been separated 7 months and my H seems totally unrealistic, thinks people aren't figuring this out, doesn't want them to know.

I'm not willig to go through the holidays w/o telling my family. AS THINGS ARE TODAY, I don't plan to spend holidays w my H but he probably doesn't realize this. I'll need to tell my family by sometime in October.

Can anyone provide advice or experiences on telling friends and family. Is it typical for the MLCer NOT to want to divulge? Is there typical way they respond when you do it anyway?

THANK YOU

[punkin]

amg2,

When my husband had his first A, he told me while on a Thanksgiving get-away, on Thanksgiving Day. After sex. "Oh, by the way, I want a divorce". I cried for about 12 hours straight. On the way home, he asked me "if we could keep this quiet until after Christmas". WTH? Yes, honey, let's play house and pretend everything is wonderful for the next 30 days. Make it 40 and we'll cover New Years. I told him that wasn't going to happen.

IMHO, the reason he wants it hidden is because he knows who is to blame, and they DON'T LIKE BLAME. They feel the guilt, and don't want others looking at them with blame on their face. The Holidays are tough at the best of times. This just compounds the difficulties. My husband left and came home twice between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and several times after that before his head became dislodged from his a$$.

[amg2]

I'm thinking I might be done with this. I talked to IC today and agreed to "act" divorced for a month to see how that feels. I never dreamed I would feel this way and want to chew off my arm and run. Don't know if it will stick. Feel like on back on the roller coaster except this time it's MY emotions putting me there.

I also posted on "I'm thinking about leaving" thread.

Any advice appreciated.