I would be shocked if there was OM before she left. From January to May she focused all of her energy with finishing her nursing school and working...I know because I helped write her papers; and from May to June she focused on studying for the NCLEX exam for her nursing license...again I know because I helped with that too. We also went on a two week vacation during that time.
I found out 3 weeks ago that she went to see a IC. I went to the same sIC a week later for myself as well as getting intel. I told the IC the whole story 1.5 hrs of it. She told me as though she knew exactly what my W was saying is that my W is afraid to speak to me because she is afraid to come back for the wrong reasons. I do not know if this is theory or taken from what my W told her.
My W also joined a on-line dating site two weeks after she left me with three plain pictures (a so so picture, her climbing a wall (cannot really see her), and of a tree?) so it is not like she is trying to draw a lot of flies with her profile. But I am sure she is dating. I do not know where she lives or her phone number so intel is not available. Her profile says active within 24hrs. I showed the profile to the IC and she told me that she did this to get me jealous, again as though she knew exactly why my W did it. I joined the dating site the day my W told me that she was leaving me to prompt a response from her, but never put my profile on it...not ready at this time to see anyone.
I recieved one email a "Thank you" for letting her know about her doctors appointment and to let her know of important mail or messages. This was after me going dark for 3 weeks and writing her an email that sort of let her go. Also, a week after she went to see the IC.
I got excited and emailed her two days later and a day after that and day after that. I am sure I pushed her away. So I wrote the letter of apology for the affair and my controlling behavior and told her that I wanted her to be happy so I am letting you go. That email was sent yesterday.
The last conversation we had was the day she left. I begged, pleaded all of the wrong things using a little humor and she just kind of laughed it off saying I was funny. She got quiet and stated with hurt in her eyes "that if I really loved her then why did the OW happen?" So I said "is this the reason that you are leaving?" and she said, YES! I mentioned if she wanted a D and she shock her head yes. I recommended Mediation. As of this date there have been no legal action taken.
I need advice from the vets: Gucci, Robx, Coach and Puppy I am getting conflicting advice and "what if" scenarios.
My W has sent one email a "Thank You" for a reminder since she left me eight weeks ago. I sent her an email sort of letting her go about 4 weeks after she left and went semi-dark for a duration of 3 to 4 weeks. I found out during that time that she went to see an IC and a week later sent me that "Thank you" email. I got too excited and overwhelmed her with 3 to 4 additional emails including an open invite to meet me for coffee/diet coke at a nearby restaraunt after her response.
Recently, I sent her an apology for the affair then told her that I wanted her to be happy so I was letting her go and I plan to go dark. I spoke with a DB coach yesterday and he told me that he would not recommend going totally dark to keep a little communication link to her. Her birthday is next Friday and I was not planning on sending her a card/email...just stay dark. What are your suggestions? She has not communicated with me since July 4th and no legal action to date.
My IC, the same one my W went to (don't know if she is still going) told me when I met with her that she thinks my W is still in love with me (closed eyes and a confirming nod of her head) that she is confused at the moment and to just give her time and space. Hence going totally dark.
The "what if" scenario question is when and if she starts to communicate with me do I ignore her first attempt? Or do I respond with a neutral tone? The reason I asked is that it appeared to have worked that last time I went dark only to push her back to not communicating with me.
Why would you go totally dark? She is "watching" you. I 180'd my goals. Goal - get my wife to ask me out. So I did what I thought I needed to do to attract her back. Monitor the results and then try something different.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is straight from A DB Coach I had. She also said you can't skip a step or it wouldn't work.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 09/01/1001:23 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I thought totally dark because she stated in her litany of reasons for leaving was that I was controlling her and it appeared to be the one strategy that was working.
Why do you say she is watching me? I think I have rid myself of any negative feeling regarding her leaving and I am working on GAL (though I do not know what my true passion is yet). Admittedly I am not a patient man however all of the emails that I have sent her have been positive.
I just don't know what the proper balance is here to attract and not push away. Do I send her a weekly "hello I hope all is well with you" email and leave it at that? Maybe bring up a little something humorous that happened that day? In my crazy mindset and situation it is difficult getting back to the real me.
I guess I need to review my goals and set plans to them so that I have a better strategy and not so rudderless.
Send her something that is relevant to her that you noticed. "just saw this article and thought of you." just use it sparingly.
She's watching. That's why some mystery is OK, for you I wouldn't be going out to cougar bars or dancing. Revive or start a hobby you have always wanted to try. Become more interesting.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have read DR along with about 20 other books, but have not read DB. It appears that I need to follow the path of DB/DR so I will be rereading DR to help me develop my goals and strategies and read DB as well.
So that I am clear on the first 2 steps: Get rid of negative feelings - Is this how I am feeling (depression, lack of energy, mopping), which is not attractive? Or is it how I communicate with my W?
Become friends again - So I do not want to go dark, but keep a thin line of communication, e.g. Hi, I hope all is well? Send this email at a frequency of about once per week? Her birthday is next week so I thought I would send her a simple B-day card saying "I hope you have a great day"....Me. that would be my communication with her for that week.
I will definetly go to the bookstore tonight and get DB.
So I will keep the line of communication open, but communicate sparringly with something relavent to my W. Her b-day is next week so I will send a simple b-day card. If she is watching she is only taking the temperature via email and all of my eamils have been positive (180 due my poor patience in the psat). I was probably pushy with the open invitation for a coffee or a coke. So I made a mistake and I am taking a new direction
I am working on GAL, joined a gym and lost 50+lb through grief and sweat, which was a goal of mine.... the lost pounds I mean. I need get into something that interests me and gets me excited for me and for future catnip opportunities either with my W or if not meant to be with someone else.
My dilemma is that my W and I do not have children, she moved to a different town and her friends are her friends and not necessarily mine. So I really do not know how to get her attention in the future if she does not initiate communication. So that is why I am being cautious with my emails.
I feel like I am on my W's goal line and it is 3rd and 10. It will take patience and a planned and deliberate series of plays to advance to my goal line. No Hail Mary here...
Why would you go totally dark? She is "watching" you. I 180'd my goals. Goal - get my wife to ask me out. So I did what I thought I needed to do to attract her back. Monitor the results and then try something different.
The good news is that I can only go upwards from here; I'm definitely at the "get rid of negative feelings " stage. After very unexpectedly admitting to an affair, yet wanting to stay and surmount it together (March last), my husband was more loving than before for 2 months, then told me (start of May) he didn't love me anymore, couldn't live with me,the works. He lived in the spare room and got increasingly cold, angry, hard and nasty until he moved into a flat of his own, just a week ago.I made the usual begging etc. mistakes at first, mostly out of shock (I'd seen nothing coming). Then read DR and applied like mad. But he got colder, more disdainful and contemptuous as time went on.Full of anger, although he's the one who cheated. I 'm no more perfect than anyone, I know we got into this mess as a couple, but even now that he's away in his batchelor pad, he seems to blame me for the whole situation. The more light, friendly and helpful I try to be, the more unpleasant and defensive he gets.So how to get rid of these negative feelings when they're mostly his? I can't play games - we've 3 young children who need their Dad and he needs them. I try to tell them Dad's going through a bad patch and he still loves them, but he's different with them too. If I hadn't had any children, I'd have cut off all contact to preserve my own feelings. I don't phone or text unless child-related emergency, and try to be rara around the house if he comes over.Any concrete strategic suggestions to help him stop resenting me and making me feel small?He used to be my closest friend, there's nothing but dislike in his eyes now. NotCrackingUp
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
