"I would be crying and he would come to me instead of run and hide." So what brought about this change or new ability to handle a flood of emotion from you?
Hey K, that all sounds brilliant and has improved things yet again in your R! I think this bit says it all: "At one point again, he said he doesnt even know how the hell he made the choices he made."
In my own sitch, thats exactly how H sums it up too. Maybe thats true of all returning WAS. Its hard to accept that they could be so dumb and not mindful enough to be in the now and make the right choices back then, or even know why they made them, but seems that is just how it is!
I hope you get to Santorini as I bet that will be another thing to put the icing on this reconciliation and take it to another level as you put it...but what a shame sweets about your dad. Sounds like he is battling on, but that its taking its toll. Hugs xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This sounds really great and it seems like you yourself have moved forward in the relationship from where you were a month or so ago. I hope you both continue to build on this - your marriage is becoming more solid and that has to give you a greater since of confidence in it and in him.
Dealing with a WAS with an affair, is IMHO, much much harder that dealing with a spouse that goes through a phase. I would find it very romantic if our love survived "a phase" and proof of its strength. Right now, I see what is happening as a "settlement" that suits all parties (except OW) since the betrayal was of all levels, mental, physical, sexual... What is considered the biggest "fear" of lovers when they get together?
So, my H had fun, took a break for 2,5 years from me and our family, enjoyed a crazy love, risked everything and now he is...back and everything is "fine". Somehow that feels... not right.
How can anyone tell if an affair lowered the "moral personal boundaries" of the cheating spouse or in the best case, raised them. In the first case, another affair is very probable down the road, in the second, the affair itself can become the reminder/warning of what NOT to do again.
Accepting a cheating spouse back, demands a huge amount of strength and self validation power. In my case, it also involves a fair share of detachement. Coupled with the self defense mechanism that developed after the bomb it means that there is always a ...gap between us, a gap preserved mostly by me. Is this a different kind of love or just the only kind of love (settling) possible after an affair (for me at least). Is this IT or is there room for healthy development? Is there more to expect (from myself AND him?) Intimacy is the last thing that returns and very hard to regain.
I question myself daily about my "giving", if it too MUCH, if it is being a doormat, if it gives him the wrong message (close call but you got away with it). So far, I have realised that if I dont give, we stand no chance. How much and when (timing)I am not sure of.
Trust... well after being completely, apsolutely convinced of my husbands integrity for years and finding out he wasnt honest with me, everytime I catch myself believing him without any second thoughts, I feel I make the same mistakes... I feel naive. I hate feeling naive.
I realised, a cheating spouse can not understand what he put the other person through, unless he/she has a similar experience...
Fighting pride has been difficult, sometimes I wonder if it means compromising my dignity. Hard pill to swallow (spelling?)
The anger is not visiting me as often but it still is intense when it does show up. It lasts less though.
At the end of the day, the glass was broken. And it seems it takes a long long time to become something stronger that I dont "question/doubt", something worth the hurt and tears.
Why do we want someone back that has lied, cheated, disrespected, betrayed, hurt us and our families? I will never understand that. People do make mistakes but some mistakes are bigger than others. I dont know what I would advise my daughter to do in my shoes. I dont have reasons now to believe I made the wrong decision but I think I would not advise her to make the same...
I think it simply because you loved him. You wanted to keep your family togehter if possible. You can't rebuild the marriage you had but get to build a new one and this time around there won't be cracks in the foundation.
Glad you had a good time. hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well, I didn't have to deal with an A, or with a reconciliation, so I am an expert!
I think the key to being successful might be to think of the past A marriage as a "new" marriage. Don't try to think of it as a continuation of what went before, with a break in between. If you think of it as "new", then what happened in that intervening time might be less important to you, it was "before" you were married.
Will that work? I don't know! But I can see a little logic in it.
And....
(((((((((Kalni))))))))) Going to to talking with a woman from Match on the phone tonight... she is from......... Greece!
Hmm. I think part of the reason you are inclined to take them back is that history though.
I know if I was just dating someone and found out they had cheated on former spouses/significant others that I would take that as a huge warning sign and break things off.
But when you have that history, when you know that for years they were faithful, that they are capable of being faithful, it makes reconciliation feel possible. A lot of work, but possible.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
