Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[babh]

I've been lurking around reading posts to try to make sense of all this. I moved over the weekend, got an apartment of my own, just me, dog and cat. Saving graces they are!:) I have so many good days, and then bam I remember something or go somewhere that we did or brings back a memory. It's only been almost two months, but it seems like forever. H has told me all the same things, don't love you, haven't loved you for many years, I don't want to be married. In thinking back, he has changed in the last 3-4 years, but it was subtle, and there has been a lot going on in that time. S moved out, and became a parent himself, parents have died, parents have become seriously ill and needed us. I just didn't see it. It's MLC, and now an affair also. He says he's not happy, just settled into a new routine. I kicked him out, couldn't stand the lies and wavering, he didn't want to go, but felt he needed to...etc. I didn't want the house, and mistakenly thought he would come back. It was an EA to begin with, and have no proof that it's PA now, but will assume so, blinders are off at this point.

I only know that you have all helped me to see so many things. I was so confused, and wish that I had found this site earlier, in the begining. It's so great to read about all the experiences, and see the similarities. I'm so glad that I did finally find it. My friends all say to forget about him, and all this, and to move on, and gee that's the only thing to do. Well, that's an easier said than done thing. H calls me, once a week, and talks no longer than 3-5 minutes, and always during work, never in the evenings. And since no young children, it's all about what he's doing. Oh sure, he always says I just called to see how you are doing, and then launches into himself. Sad, and I think those calls need to stop too. They seem pointless to me. I just think he also needs to let go. I don't call him anymore, and only when I need to email him. He went back to the house tonight for the first time since I left it Saturday. I'm sure he was ok with it, doesn't see it the same way as I did. He is "committed" to staying at a house sitting gig until the end of September, but he is now responsible for all the payments at the house, his currently location is very close to OW, it will be interesting how that all works out. He says he will still have to go and check on the house there, did I say my blinders were off??? And I was born at night, but not last night. He did break "tradition" and called me Saturday to see how the move went, not sure about the reasoning there, the rest of the conversation was about him and what he's doing. Very careful not to mention OW, him or me. But I know that she is still controlling his life. He has been to the lawyer, and is ready to file. I don't know if he did or not, and will find out in the mail one day I'm sure.

I try to have hope, but then I get too hopeful. It seems I haven't found that happy medium point yet. I hope that comes soon! Keep up the good work all, there are others out here lurking and reading, and getting lots of good insight into things, and how to handle them. Thank you all!!

[Dagny-2]

Babh,

I’m sorry you are here, but there is no better place than here to be during this time. The caring and support that you get on this board is unparalleled, friends can’t understand what it is like to save a M. They make think we are all nuts, but if we do save our M, those that are true friends will stand by us.

Isn’t it amazing the similarities of many of the situations, down to the exact emotions and words that the WAH says? I was reading the W’s thread from France and she was describing my H to a “T”, how he was acting, what he said. I guess there are clichés for a reason.

I’ve just starting reading over in the infidelity forum, since that is where I belong, but I like the newcomers for now, take a look at Cuccoon’s thread, there is some amazing advice and links to really provocative reading. I’m only about ½ way through the thread, there is lots to process there. I feel like I’m studying for a final! And I guess I am, it is my life, my M I’m studying for. And this self-analyzing is really hard work. The decisions about what we are willing to do to save the M are enormous. And really, what we are willing to do to save ourselves and our children. I think DBers who try and still don’t save the M are a lot better off than people who skip this step and go straight to D. We are working on ourselves, getting stronger, knowing we did all we could and learning a hell of a lot during the process.

Dagny

[Dagny-2]

Very interesting twist to the drama I call my life.

But first, journaling about last day or so: H came over last night to be with the boys. He wanted to sit and confirm schedules; he then wanted to talk about divorce and money, I listened and didn't say anything. He backtracked an earlier hardline stance he had taken with me. He knew I wanted to say something, asked me twice, what I really wanted to say is "I want a hug", but I knew that was so wrong, and I knew I was lingering too long, so I left, didn't say where I was going, just leaving to give H time with the boys. H did say I looked nice, I only said thank you. So, could have been better with getting out of the house quicker, but at least did not say any needy statements.

So the twist to my life; I stated before that one of my fears is money, huge, huge fear. I do have an idea of what he will have to pay in child support, but since H makes 3x what I make, my and my childrens' standard of living will decrease dramatically. Today at work (I work remotely and travel to office 1 week a month), there was an unexpected announcement of an employee leaving. I talked to my boss and if I would move back home, the job would be mine. Work knows nothing about my separation with H. I know one of the issues in our M was my reluctance to move, apart from staying here being in the kids' best interest and my belief that I can't DB from 1000 miles away, was my thought that staying here proves that I am committed to this M. This just adds another level to a decision I will have to make at some point.

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Wow, that is an interesting twist, Dagny. That's going to be a very difficult decision.

Pray for wisdom, and for CLARITY. I find that helps.

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

Isn't it though? Pray for clarity, I like that. I never know what to pray for, usually just for help to get through this and for my kids.

The one thing I know I won't do is tell H about this opportunity. I want this to be my decision, I don't want his opinion, and I don't want him to know if I give up this opportunity to remain here. I had already made up my mind that I'm here until Christmas break and then I will re-evaluate my decision. I am debating on telling my manager and director my situation (not co-workers) and also my timeline. I don't think we will move quickly to fill the position and that buys me time to continue on this path I have choosen. Also, based on advice given here, I have never told H that I'm planning to reevaluate my decision in December. Only 104 days until then.

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Isn't it though? Pray for clarity, I like that. I never know what to pray for, usually just for help to get through this and for my kids.

I stole that one from Coach. I used to say "wisdom and discernment," and sometimes still do if there's some specific "b.s." I'm trying to cut thru, but I saw a post of his once where he advised someone to pray for CLARITY, and that just rang so true to me, and I've been steal --- errr, USING it, ever since.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The one thing I know I won't do is tell H about this opportunity. I want this to be my decision, I don't want his opinion, and I don't want him to know if I give up this opportunity to remain here. I had already made up my mind that I'm here until Christmas break and then I will re-evaluate my decision. I am debating on telling my manager and director my situation (not co-workers) and also my timeline. I don't think we will move quickly to fill the position and that buys me time to continue on this path I have choosen. Also, based on advice given here, I have never told H that I'm planning to reevaluate my decision in December. Only 104 days until then.

Dagny

I like your thinking. I'm assuming you did NOT tell your husband of your "Christmas" deadline, correct? I generally don't like COMMUNICATED deadlines (internal ones are good, and beneficial), because it's like telling the terrorists "Oh, we're pulling the troops out on December 1st." OK, so then they just wait until December 2nd to wreak their havoc. You tell a spouse "I'll give you until December 1st," and they'll take that as a license to CHEAT until November 30th, at which point they'll beg, grovel, cry and promise you the moon and the stars to not leave their sorry cheating asses.

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

Correct, the deadline is mine, H knows nothing about this. He was gracious enough at one point to tell me that he will not ask me for a timeline (2 days later he asked, but I said I don't know, he wanted to know if he should get a month to month lease or a 6 month lease).

The deadline gives me the knowledge that I can get through this for the next 104 days, if I decide this is just too much, I can go back to PA and it gives the boys a logical break with school, or I might decide that I should stay here. It gives me a sense of peace knowing what I will be doing for the next 104 days. But this new work opportunity sure throws a twist in it, but I won't deviate from the Christmas break plan, at least I don't think I would. Never say never.

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The deadline gives me the knowledge that I can get through this for the next 104 days, if I decide this is just too much, I can go back to PA and it gives the boys a logical break with school, or I might decide that I should stay here. It gives me a sense of peace knowing what I will be doing for the next 104 days.

Yep, that's why I love internal deadlines -- for those very reasons.

smart!

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

Puppy wrote this on courts, but I really like it and want to be able to find it when I need it. I'm still struggling with what "game-plan" to employ for all this. As I see it there are three: Let Go (Dobson), Aggressive Affair Busting (Allen A/and that one website he references) or DBing (Little Bo Peep?) Still researching and analyzing those approaches. God, it sounds like I'm going into battle.

Anyway, what Puppy wrote:

On “having a plan,” and “The Schmuck Factor”:


I think you let her know that you are here for her when she is ready to do the work necessary. She clearly isn't ready to do that right now.

It would convey weakness if you were to be supplicating towards her while she was still actively cheating on you, and disrespecting her boundaries. Letting her know that you are willing to suck it up, forgive, love unconditionally and do the hard work of reconciliation -- when she is ready -- does NOT convey weakness, it conveys character and strength.

Many, many people confuse "unconditional love" with "doormat-without-boundaries." It is entirely possible -- and NECESSARY -- to demonstrate unconditional love and forgiveness, within a framework of healthy boundaries.

Do you not love a child unconditionally, while at the same time not allowing them to use obscenity when speaking to you? Do you not love a spouse, while simultaneously not allowing them to berate you in front of another couple?

Those are just two silly examples, but I think this is where you're getting hung up. Us men have a REALLLLL hard time with the whole "schmuck factor" thing, and it really rears its head when there is infidelity involved. We don't like to be made a fool. But if your "standing" for your marriage is PART OF A PLAN -- YOUR plan -- then who's the schmuck here? You take a position of "Yes, I am, at the moment, deciding to stand for my marriage, even though my wife is having an affair and is refusing to admit it and work at the marriage, but I have made this choice to do this FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, and I will hold out as long as I can, all the while trying to lay out and enforce healthy boundaries for me and my children. My wife is an adult, I cannot control her, and I'm praying that she comes to her senses soon, before my love for her fully runs out, but I can hold on for "x" months and I will do so, to the best of my ability. This is MY decision, this is MY stand, and I am doing it with boundaries, legal/financial protections for me and my kids, and for a finite period (uncommunicated to spouse -- just tell her "I won't wait forever") of time."

My wife asked me both during -- and after -- her affair, why I was fighting for her. Why I hadn't kicked her out immediately. I told her:

- because I took a wedding vow, before God, and I took that very seriously. It was not "for better or for better yet," it was "for better or for WORSE";

- because I loved her, and we had a lot of shared history together;

- because I didn't want to demonstrate to our four children that when things get tough, you cut and run. You make a stand and fight for what is important to you, for as long as you can, to the best of your ability;

- because if the situation were reversed, and I had say a gambling or alcohol addiction, I would hope that she would do the same and fight for ME;

- and because I didn't want to go to my death bed with REGRETS, that I should have tried harder. If I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of trying to save my marriage and keep my family intact.

When you lay out (and maybe even write down), what YOUR OWN reasons are, and give yourself an internal deadline (6 months, one year, whatever) . . . then I think, as a man, we can feel like WE are executing a plan, and that we're not being a "schmuck."

Does that make sense??

Puppy