The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thank you Soleil. You are correct that I did try. Looking back, she quit prior to the bomb. I can see it and now I can understand some of the other behaviors in that light. I do not know why and will not likely know. But I do know that I tried. I do know that I did the right thing protecting the kids and helping them to reconnect with her. Helping her through the worst of her depression and to reconnect with her children. I do know I did the right thing and I have no regrets at all.

No, I see that the issue was not as much mine as it was hers as much as I did not want to believe that. My instinct was to try and save the marriage, my family and her and to do that I tried what I knew. I changed what I felt I could about me. I don't have any regrets.

I realize that she came up with reasons as it suited her and finally settled on one that she felt would "stick". It was about the only thing we ever really disagreed about. That's one reason the MC thought we were so unique in her experience. I often joke with friends that if we met on Match or similar we'd hit 19 out of 20 compatability marks. We laugh at the same stuff, have similar political and child-rearing values. We have similar money values. I'm less materialistic but whatever.

Just the same it is over. She treated me with such disrespect that any human should not have to endure for any reason. I had to know if this was the new her or just a temporary blip on the timeline. Did she blow a sprocket or is this the new her?

I can see this is her. That is why she reminds of my somebody I once knew and loved very deeply.

But I can see that I cannot let the monster she has become anywhere near me. I say monster, but many of you might like her if you met her and didn't know anything about her. I can tell you that she is using her new friends in ways that any cruel dictator in history would cringe at. It's ugly. I don't ask or watch, but my kids bring things up that cause me to piece it together. I've gotten to the point I ask them to stop talking about their mom's friends. Politely. After they have said a few things and only if they won't allow me to change the subject. It's her life and her choices.

I'll never know why she walked away from me, from her family, from her God. I'll never know why she blamed me or why she spent so much time and effort looking for a reason to leave. I don't know. I don't know why she stayed angry at me for so long or why it looked like she had to try so hard to do it. It seemed to require so much effort. I'm guessing. I don't know why she blamed me and was angry at me yet wanted to be "friends". Or what the definition of friends even means to her. From what I've seen of how she treats her friends, I don't think I want to be a friend of hers even.

I've gone through the doubts about myself. In my spare time (meaning when I wasn't bailing water out of the sinking boat or ensuring I could breathe) I searched every nook and cranny of my being with the brightest lights I could find. I know I am not the cause of the divorce. I am not the cause of the pain. I know I have paid the price of somebody else's sins. I don't know who those people or person is. That is ok. I didn't get married for just the good times. I volunteered for this ride, knew the risks, and knew I could get off at any time.

What has been the most difficult is knowing if I was getting off too early. Were we just around the corner from turning a corner. I no longer believe she is anything but what she is now. Not that she won't change. But that our marriage is over. That it was destroyed beyond repair long before I acknowledged it. I know that when she said she was confused that I may have acted differently if it were not for the comments about her wanting to date. But I did not do those things anyway. I have my self-esteem intact. I am not helpless and I have not been helpless. I was ruled by my comittments. I take them very seriously and assumed she did. Perhaps she did and that may be why I saw so much guilt. Why she told me that I can do better than her. That she tried to make me jealous.

But really it is more complex than that as well. She isn't right in the head. At least around me she is not. I have no desire to hurt anyone and if my presence is a problem, then we can fix that. We have. I like me. And I'll be happier than I am now. I am happy, but I will be...content once again. Good days keep coming and more will be here. I can see that.

I have no regrets. I do not think I would have done anything differently than I did at any point in time. I cannot go back to a relationship with her. The pain is too deep and the mistrust too strong. Her irrational (to me) fears are too much for me to be around. They are confusing.

Others may have called it a MLC. I think it's more than that.

I wish her the best of luck in her new life. I hope she likes her. I hope she loves herself. I hope she has no regrets. I hope she finds her God again. I hope she repairs the relationship with the kids to their mutual satisfaction. I do.

I will not be bitter. I will do what it takes to not be bitter and to leave this behind where it belongs. That is not yet done. But I see the next part of my journey is to give myself permission to let her go the rest of the way. It has to be. It wasn't what I asked for but it is what needs to happen. Cannot be any other way at this point because I cannot tolerate being treated like that again. Nor can I trust her to so much as talk to me w/out trying to control or "win". It's weird, but I'm now the adversary. For what? I don't know, but if I don't let her go I'll be lost.

Be at peace.