I listened to the His Needs/Her Needs book. It is exhausting to have to look after or be responsible for keeping someone "happy." We all need to do that for our OWN self!
CG - you are an amazing woman and I love you - thank you for giving me inspiration.
Luv
Last edited by luvless; 08/27/1003:08 AM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
My H needed constant attention, reassurance and coddling despite his HUGE ego. Maybe that *is* a man thing but it's not something I will do again on the level I had to ever again.
It's not. It may be a Guy thing, I wouldn't know. But it's not a Man thing.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Probably far more than you all bargained for
Not at all. That's what we're all here for. Very informative...and enlightening. Thanks for sharing.
Peace,
[/quote]
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I was way more communicative than her. In fact, even when I told her how happy she made me feel, when she did, she could never say something as simple as 'you do that for me too or I feel the same way' the three words 'i love you' were probably only said a handful of times. It's not that she hated me it's just that she felt it was more important to not disclose what she felt inside and rather keep her cards close to her. I would not want that in my new relationship, I want to hear and see that my partner appreciates me, she cares about me and she loves me just as much as I do.
Dude. What is up with all these WAS's? Seems they are all cut from the same cloth. My stbx is the same. Would never say ILY unless I said it first. I always felt like it was terrifying for him to tell me anything nice, even a simple compliment because he felt he was "losing" by showing any sort of emotion (though that was not the case when he was pursuing me--ugh).
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I no longer love my H. I don't respect or trust him. I also knew the despite the work I was doing those feelings would have to die their natural death. And they have.
CG, how long did it take for you to start feeling this way (the death of your L for him)? Very curious to knwo how long it has been for others...
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
D's GF thinks we are divorced. She will learn otherwise when the process server shows up at THEIR door. In a way I sort of feel bad for her (not really, lol!)
Hee hee! But seriously, he is lying to her about still being married to you? Oh dear GAWD. Yeah that will be an interesting day for them when the server shows up (though totally not your problem). Love that he was texting you he loves you while out with her. What a douche.
All I meant, NM, was if I am upfront with a potential man about where I am at with things in my life (ex: separation/divorce/my health and sort of where my head space is)I feel that is very honest. Chances are where I am at won't change overnight or in a month or maybe even 6 months and when they change it will have to be at my pace
Got it! Now I understand
Quote:
Certain things, over time of course, I might be able to become more flexible on but I don't want to have to radically change who I am working to become for the sake of intimate R. It could be something small or something major. And if it comes up I will be happy to discuss it but I don't want to be the one always making all the concessions again.
Yes, this makes sense and it is ABSOLUTELY fair to expect/require future beaus to make changes, too!!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
It's not so much that I expect somebody to make changes, NM. It's more about not having to alter too much of myself to fit into somebody else's world.
Sol - I can't give you an exact date or timeline about letting love die. When the R runs very deep like the R I had with my H it does require work. My C has really helped me with that.
People who lie, cheat, steal and abuse are not worthy of my love. I fought an internal battle for a very long time. Also, I am going on year 3 of *this* so my perspective might be different.
I don't respect D at all and without respect it is impossible to love in the "correct" way. Sure, I miss things about our marriage and things we did and the time we spent together but that is all surface stuff and not love. From time to time I will hear/see something that reminds me of him/us and I do feel like I have been punched in the gut. But most of the "love" LBS think they feel is really just familiar and not actual love.
Healthy love that you give and that is reciprocated is not what we see here on this board.
When you do decide to do the work to let those feelings of love die you will fight it. It will be a terrible internal battle. It will happen though... slowly with lots of setbacks.
CG, how long did it take for you to start feeling this way (the death of your L for him)? Very curious to knwo how long it has been for others...
fwiw, for me it was within weeks of the D. Which was 15 months post Bomb, 9 months post "I want a D," and after everything I could think of to do for my hurting (former) best-friend-turned-unprincipled-alien. Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I guess now that I have my own thread I can post updates here!
I have narrowed down my "interview list" to three attnys that I will be meeting with during the month of Sept. I know exactly what kind of attny I want and I do need one that has a very proven track record of negotiating a new settlement from a separation to a divorce. For various reasons (and none due to his lack of skill) I have opted not to use the attny I have been with for 2 years.
I am sick at my very core that I have to endure this again but there is no way I am staying in this situation until 2013. My H could make this very simple but I got the word from him he likes how things are now and sees no reason to divorce. (why wouldn't he? he gets me as his W and "red" as his GF, not a bad gig if you can get it!)
He is also two payments behind on spousal maintenance - the first time he has EVER been late. So that is going to have to be addressed as well.
To the men here that actually follow through with court orders even if you feel they are unfair - you are good men. Having to beg my H for what the court has ordered him to give me is getting old.
He thinks this is unfair now... he certainly won't be pleased when I sue him again.
This BS has been going on since March 2, 2008 (well actually March 4th since March 2 was a Sat!).
I saw a moving truck on my street today and I just wanted to jump in it!
I'm trying to understand my options in our state. I thought once you have a signed separation agreement, after one year, either party can "convert" it to a divorce agreement without the other party being involved in any way. I thought it was just a simple legal filing that needed to take place.
