How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[kara]

Just wanted to add that it is fairly common in marriages for one or both to feel a genuine loss of desire for the other at some point. The mistake a lot of people make when this happens is to seek desire and excitement elsewhere instead of dealing with the issues in their marriage.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks, Kara. I fully realise he was unhappy with some aspects of our marriage, I've done a lot of soul-searching and recognise that I failed in some ways. But it took the two of us, he has always known I loved him dearly, he only had to speak out clearly and calmly. He chose to remain silent, and I suppose resentment set in and made him available to the other woman. I'm not a mind-reader, I couldn't know what he wasn't telling me.I seem to be laying the blame, but in fact I've always said to him that I see my failings and am willing and able to work on them, that we just got into bad habits of brushing things under the carpet as a couple, when we were working so hard. I felt and feel that we could have weathered and worked it out. He chose to run. What remains is for me to work on those failings on my own, keep my head high and advance. However, my confidence as a woman was largely based on his love for me; it has taken such a beating that it's very fragile.

I've been reading lots of postings, have found lots of stories similar to mine. I just haven't dared butt in - most of you seem to have been to counsellors or therapists, have all the lingo. We went to one session, he spoke first. The guidance counsellor turned to me and said: " Madame, your husband is very clear - he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You have to accept his decision. it's over."So much for counselling.Finding one that would be pro-marriage in this country would be a miracle. It's the cradle of the rights of man and individual freedom.That's fine, but the result is that 2 out of 3 marriages end in D and the lawmen have second homes and yachts!
NotCrackingUp

[soleil]

I'm not a mind-reader, I couldn't know what he wasn't telling me.I seem to be laying the blame, but in fact I've always said to him that I see my failings and am willing and able to work on them

Ding ding ding.
Sorry to hear about the MC. But on the upside, at least it was clear what his intentions were from the get-go at MC (no matter how cruel) instead of finding out months later of MCing.

However, my confidence as a woman was largely based on his love for me; it has taken such a beating that it's very fragile.

Can very much relate. But right now you need to focus on YOU. Not him and how less than he makes you feel due to this ordeal. Keep your head up!

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks, Soleil. Michele's book and some replies have said the same. I realise this is right, in theory. However, I also realise just how much I always focussed on him and on the children and on their needs, to the point that I really don't know where to start with focussing on me. I miss him so much (not this alien, the man I married and knew until May this year). I left my own country for him, adapted myself to his family and needs, was content to be his wife and the mother of his kids. I do have friends, but they have their own lives (husbands that stay put, children...). I feel very isolated with this. It is only now that I realise to what extent I had built my life around him. I feel like I'm standing in the ruins of something.

I know that if he does come back, things will have to change. I must "get a life" and meet him as an independent person. i must make room for myself in my life. I must get back to the person I was before I let this man rule my heart. I just don't know where to start.

I still want to hope he can find the feelings he's lost for me, that all this coldness and anger directed at me can stop. I tell myself that he's angry at himself, that he's ashamed, but maybe I'm just deluding myself again.It seems to correspond to what Michele and others have written about the mid-life crisis. But then I was reading some posts on the MLC archives, where some members seemed to think the MLC is just a comforting delusion favoured by those newly coping with a spouse on the way out the door.All I can say is that the man who came here today to be with the kids while I was at work only faintly resembles the man I used to know. New clothes, new "things" he shows off to the kids, no eye-contact, no smile, a cold, ironical tone... When I came home, he didn't even greet me, just started in about my new school timetable. I only ever see his profile (on the computer) or his back as he walks away. Why this sudden metamorphosis?
NotCrackingUp

[kara]

Hi NCU

You are still very new to this. You will become more immune to his behaviour as time goes by and as you detach. It is hard at first. Very hard. We have all been there and know how you feel.

You may feel like you are standing in the ruins but use those ruins to start building a life for NCU. This crisis allows you the time and space to tune into yourself. Do you have any unrealized dreams or goals? Any unfinished projects or hobbies you have always wanted to pursue?

You are right that we pour so much of ourselves into being part of a couple and into the daily "living" that we literally lose ourselves. Here is your chance to find rediscover NCU.

It may sound harsh but if any of our spouses had died instead of walking away we would have to continue living and enjoying life after we finished mourning. Our lives do not have to become smaller because they walk away. They can become bigger and better. We can accept that life and marriage can be very fragile things at times and determine that we will still manage to squeeze every drop of joy out of life despite the way things presently are. That is a great challenge to self and I am sure that we all can meet it.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Kara.
I'm pulling back and talk with him pleasantly but very little, only when he initiates it, or when necessary for the kids.Have just started new job in new school, that's taking up my time. Some nice new colleagus, even a few presentable men... Only kidding, but I have to get my identity back, as a woman.

I took out some old photos from when we first lived together. Strangely, it comforted me. Yes, he did really love me, we shared so much. And I tried to remember the woman I was before I became housewife and mother of the century. I can just about remember her, I must reconstruct her, somehow, but older and wiser.

Strangely, he just phoned this evening, to ask about my new job and tell me all his (work) troubles. Very pleasant, lingered. I put a - pleasant end to the chat. And he said: "je te fais des bisous" (= kiss you). So strange. OW must be washing her hair tonight. Or he's just papering over the cracks, pretending it's all fine and we've all accepted everything, in fact, nothing has happened. Can't fathom him.

Going to continue the cool treatment. Communication must come from him.
NotCrackingUp

[Oxymoron]

I'm not sure this will help any, but here goes. I did have an EA and my experience was that it fueled my passion for physical intimacy. OM was in another state, but H was in the next room. For me, the attention and conversation I got from OM was what I was trying to get from my H. Too be honest, OM did all the work my H wasn't willing to do. I'm sure that's a horrible thing to hear. It's easy to take someone for granted when they are living with you every day, and I know I was just as guilty for not giving my H the attention and compliments that he was getting from others. For me, I knew OM was a fantasy-I didn't have dreams of running off with him or having a new perfect life. I knew that there was no such thing, and troubles and boredom can creep into any relationship if you don't maintain it. Sadly, I think a lot of people DO think that someone new is the answer, and they fall for the fantasy and run off. Your H may have been through this reality already and hopefully he will wise up. You can keep changing partners, but if you never learn to dance then the dancing is never going to get better. I think that applies to both the WAS and LBS.

[hurtinhartford]

NCU,

How are going today? I didn't sleep at all last night trying to figure out how to keep communication with my W w/o appearing that I am pursuing/pushing her. Have been keeping communication slim with your H? I am working on GAL and have a few ideas, but had a few criticisms as well (taking an acting class). It would get me out of my comfort zone, but also help me in my career since I do a lot of public speaking. I as well as you need to do something for ourself that generates a spark within us!

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Oxymoron.

I've always loved only my H, but there was a time when he wanted intimacy more often than I, partly through an enormous workload, partly through my hangups about weight after the last child, weight I couldn't shift. SHE was coming out of a divorce, met my H who was/is her sports instructor, started to confide in him. He was away a lot from home, sports absorbed him a lot - and the people that went with it. I think he listened to her story and her "you've only one life-the kids will bounce back- be free' discourse, saw her as available, sexy, new and svelte. I was struggling to prepare exams, sleeping little, doing lots. There was a moment when he could have told me there was a problem, but he didn't, just started living a double life.Long conversations became sexy e-mails and texts, became a physical R.He told me he'd ended it several times, but "she stopped eating and sleeping". I know they were two, but I also know she kept being around, phoning, texting and being in his path even after he'd told me and ended it in March. He couldn't forget her (or the lies he'd been telling). And I'm older, I've lost weight and am still attractive, but he sort of "went off me" after his experience with her. I realise that I'd not seen he was unhappy at one point, I'm so very sorry and I've told him so. But the affair "broke" something between us, he said (in May). Instead of facing the music, he's run off.I've no proof she's still an item in his life. But lotsof things point this way. i just hope she'll disappoint him, it'll wear off.But he's a man who doesn't backtrack or admit he's made a mistake easily.So I think that even if he has pangs, he'll just ignore them.I know the old M is dead, RIP. I'd just love a chance to build a new, more realistic and caring one.
NotCrackingUp

[NotCrackingUp]

Hurtinhartford,

I went to enroll children in leisure activities this morning. H was in the hall, the kids went to speak to him, but I stayed well away from his stand and didn't see him.I think he's coming 'round tomorrow, but I don't phone or text.
I've enrolled in an art class - I'd given up on all that while preparing exams and digesting nuclear fallout here, now it's time to find things that help. My biggest challenge is forgetting jealousy and missing physical intimacy and friendship with him. I feel like I'm no longer a woman at all, just a mum and a boring old English teacher.Missing him is eating away at me. But it comes and goes in waves. I try to keep busy and look after myself.
NotCrackingUp