OMG--was the person you spoke to, your colleague, male??
Allen would have told you you had an EA. THAT'S what men think!
yes he was. i would talk to a few ladies in the office. we were a close knit group. but they were all married. so nobody was able to give me any insight.
i was told that this guy recently was d-ed. i didn't want to ask because it's personal and i didn't want to dig up a bad memory. i was friends with this guy but he didn't know anything about my m or the issues i had. when i spoke to my female colleagues, it was often about my MIL. so nobody actually knew what was going on in my m. in fact, many told me they thought all was great.
was it an EA? if you want to call it that, sure. but i spoke to the guy once about my personal issue and it was a 30 min discussion. i wasn't about to dump my issues on him. it would take 3 days. i asked things like .. did you go to counselling, did it help, what is your relationship with your ex like now, what made you consider it .. and even though i asked those questions, i only found out about the real reason for his d several months later through another friend. in my discussion with him, he told me that he wasn't a talker so he wasn't a communicator. he didn't want to go to counselling, etc. so counselling actually failed them.
at the time, i thought that going to counselling meant your m was doomed. it was going to open the flood gates to all the resentment that has built up over the years. and i felt that counselling meant you were d's doorstep. MC had this stigma that it meant your m was in DOA. and i feared taking that step myself .. i was afraid of facing the truth.
yes, i'm happy that he spoke to his mom too but he's also getting a biased opinion. the person who emotionally manipulated her son. she has her own agenda. so going to his mom, was good and bad.
i want to touch on a topic that coach started in newcomers on the common things between was/lbs.
Quote:
So the WAS is off the reservation and the LBS is still stuck. The WAS is sending a sign that this R needs to grow, it's not healthy and this is how they are coping. So the WAS is doing things to feed themselves, they have been hurting and their needs have been neglected. Granted they don't always do it in a productive and healthy way but it's what they decided. The WAS is taking care of themselves by doing all the things a good DBer is supposed to be doing. So if the belief is we DB to grow to become a healthier, wiser and stronger individual no matter the outcome then the WAS is walking to do the same thing. We just don't agree on the methods they use.
this paragraph totally contradicts when people say that the LBS are better off for doing the work and the WAS will make the same mistakes over and over again in their next r. this paragraph tells me that the WAS is also doing the work. maybe even better than the LBS! with the WAS becoming healthier, wiser, stronger, better .. what reason do they have to go back to a m with the LBS? there is no reason. in fact, this would mean the WAS will have learned from their mistakes and make their next r with someone else even better. we're not just the LBS. we're also the stepping stone for the WAS to their next great relationship. doesn't leave me feeling any hope at all. love them enough to let them move on to a great relationship with someone else? oh yeah, i love my h so much that i'm willing to let him sleep with someone else. uh no. at that point, there is no love.
i don't buy that the WAS is sending a sign that the r needs to change. you don't let the lbs know that the r needs a change by dropping a d-bomb and following through without an attempt at fixing it. cutting and running is a cowardly move. working on him/herself only makes the wayward see that they deserve better and see no reason to continue with the m.
if you see a problem in the r, then say so. make it known, come up with a plan together to fix it. to drop the bomb, you are cutting off blood to the heart and wanting the r to die. you want something else and not likely with your spouse.
so i don't believe that the advice is to save the m. people laud the advice but think about it. if the WAS is working on him/herself, they won't want to go back to their LBS even if he/she is making changes to improve him/herself as well. the WAS is so focused on themselves and that they deserve better, why go back to your LBS?
maybe i'm just looking at a bunch of closed doors.
